Programming for the wee ones

Yeah, now might be a good time to get back into television and other content produced specifically for children. We haven't had that element in our employ since we folded the "Li'l Unbelievables" franchise.
Oh, we didn't tell you we did that?
Well, we did. Because we had to.

Turns out Oliver Pepperpot, who we had regarded as a kindly grandfather type dedicated to producing fun and educational material for children wasn't exactly who we thought he was.

"And who is your favorite 'Li'l Unbelievable', little girl?"

 Well, he was...in a way. He was sincerely committed to all of those things and did a great job. But he had a questionable side business that created some problems due to an inherent conflict of interest.

Specifically, he was selling weapons to our foes.

"And what is your favorite semi-automatic firearm capable of accepting a detachable magazine with a folding or telescoping (collapsible) stock, which reduces the overall length of the firearm and a pistol grip that protrudes conspicuously beneath the action of the weapon, little boy?"

So yeah, we had to let him go and the children's programming department with him. It was very sad because we genuinely liked Oliver. Such a sweet, sweet man.

It was also sad when we had to kick him off a bridge after he tried to kill us for letting him go.

But maybe the time is right to explore our options and get back into it.

It's About The Kids ... Nothing More

Here's the thing:

When our foes observe something they think is from us, something they believe causes them slight, they immediately go into action to try to counter it.

In this case? Our success with The Li'l Unbelievables.

Honestly, when we put the idea together it was all about the kids. Nothing more.

Clark, Jeff and I simply don't understand how our foes see The Li'l Unbelievables and think we're thumbing our nose at them. Do you see any hint of that? No? Neither do we.

"Oh! Look at The Unbelievables this week! They think they're better than us by catering to children and parents! We'll show them!"

In their eyes, it's all about them. They see it as us stepping on their toes. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Regardless, it's not stopping them from launching faux rhetoric in an attempt to besmirch us. But they can't even get that right.


We're not certain who it is - it might be a collaborative effort from several of our enemies, who knows? - but someone has begun putting out kids' books to make The Li'l Unbelievables look bad. Naturally, these books are failing spectacularly; the public is not fooled.

Here ... let me show you:

This is just wrong. A feeble attempt to not only sully Clark's good name but imply he's other than pleasant to be around. And we all know that's simply not true. (Mostly.)

Wow. Just ... wow. 

Really? Kids are going to believe this? I mean they're kids. Impressionable and innocent, yes ... but who's ever heard of a whipped potato monster?

Known Fact: All kids love whipped potatoes. So ... this? Nothing but a sad, pitiful fabrication.

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin with this one. The implications alone fly far overhead of any child I know.

But here's the real kicker: There's actually small print on the inside cover of this book that states: "In the interest of decency no actual photographs of Michael in any state of undress were used in the creation of this book. Federal, state and local laws prohibit the use of any such photographs siting child pornography concerns."

Unreal.

I had a few tales lined up in light of Clark's mention Monday ...

Parents: Gather your kids and see what happens next when Li'l Jeff and Li'l Michael continue our story of Stylish Tots and the mischief they get into!

... until the above examples started appearing on the shelves of bookstores everywhere.

Worry not though, folks. Character defamation letters have already gone out courtesy of The Law Offices of Poon.

 

The Unbelievables... For Kids!

We know that children look up to us as role models. We also realize that many of our exploits are not suitable for the wee ones. That's why we're proud to announce:

The Li'l Unbelievables

"These kids are fun! Fun clothes! Fun hair! Fun attitudes!

From the secret files of The Kitsch Story-Telling Lady ... we present ... The Li'l Unbelievables!"

See Jeff.

See Jeff and Michael.

See Jeff, Michael and Clark

See Ulf the Unbelievapuppy

Michael is not wearing a dress.

"Arf! Arf!", says Ulf the Unbelievapuppy

Maybe he is.

If so, that is okay.

But Michael hates wearing pants.

"I hate wearing pants!", says Michael

So it's probably just a long shirt.

Probably.

"Let's have an adventure!", says Jeff

"What a good idea!", says Michael

"I like adventures!", says Clark

"Arf! Arf!", says Ulf the Unbelievapuppy

"We should battle Henri Petit!", says Jeff

"Perfect! We are the same size now!", says Michael

"I want to kick him out of a window!", says Clark

"I like to hear the shattering noise!"

Shatter, glass, shatter

"And see Henri Petit fall to the ground!"

Shatter, Henri Petit, shatter

"Arf! Arf!", says Ulf the Unbelievapuppy

Parents: Gather your kids and see what happens next when Li'l Jeff and Li'l Michael continue our story of Stylish Tots and the mischief they get into! 

Nic O'Teen: A distasteful solution

This has truly been one of our most difficult cases. And difficult cases call for difficult choices. Ultimately, we decided to take up with this guy...

I know, I know. None of us were thrilled but what were we supposed to do? It's not like we were getting help from scientists...

Athletes...

Doctors...

Actors...

Or politicians.

Like I said, we were desperate. So we scheduled a meeting with Death and laid out some parameters.

MICHAEL: Okay Death, we don't like you and you don't like us...
DEATH: Like you? I love you. In fact, I want to hold you in my cold embrace forever.
JEFF: Ugh! Your breath, mate. It's worse than... well, you, if that's conceptually possible.
DEATH: Thank you!
CLARK: Listen, we don't want to do it but we need to work together here.
DEATH: So you, The Unbelievables, are here to make a deal with Death? Lovely! I'll get the chessboard!
MICHAEL: We don't want to play chess. We just want you to kind of associate yourself with cigarette smoking. We're battling the nefarious Nic O'Teen and frankly, not making a lot of headway.
JEFF: I can't quite put my finger on what it is. There's definitely an overwhelming stench of decay, yet sickly sweet at the same time.
DEATH: You want me to kill more smokers? That's already a huge chunk of my daily workload but I suppose I could dial things up a bit.
CLARK: No, don't kill more people, you idiot. We're trying to save lives here.
MICHAEL: Yeah, just do a better job of letting everyone know when smoking is the reason you kill someone. We're hoping to counteract these ridiculous positive testimonials with you.
DEATH: Oh! Sure, I can do that! That's easy. I'm totally going to kill all the people in those testimonials eventually anyway. The irony will be delicious! But beyond that, what's in it for me?
CLARK: We would be willing to kick 50% more criminals through plate glass windows from the top floors of skyscrapers.
JEFF: I'm sorry, but I can not get past the overwhelming horrific odor of his breath. I mean, woof!
DEATH: Make it 75%
MICHAEL: All right. That's fine.
DEATH: Can some of these "criminals" be little old ladies, sweet innocent children and adorable puppy dogs?
MICHAEL: Absolutely not!
CLARK: A couple of old ladies, sure.
DEATH: We have an agreement, my friends. Let's bring it in for a group hug. Come on. No? Okay then.
JEFF: There's something oddly familiar about it...
DEATH: I'm so sorry. I had lunch in the UK today.

Anyway, we're not exactly happy about this partnership or whatever you want to call it but the end justifies the means.

Nick O'Teen: Menace To Society

Foulness: Personified!

Despicable!

Grievous!

Horrid!

Unconscionable!

Dastardly!

Immoral!

Without scruple!

Lowdown!

Heinous!

Vilified!

Soulless! 

But enough about Henri Petit (alias "Fritz" ... though no one really knows why he digs that alias) ...

I told Yep. That's him, in yet another candid Kodak moment:

That little shit Petit.

We're talkin' Nick O'Teen here!

Nick O'Teen: What an ass ...

"NO'T" is just as loathsome as Petit ... and more so on a number of levels. Sometimes, he's even more the dirty player than the trollish Petit.

Want to see some of his handiwork? (Warning: It's not pretty.)

I told you: Not pretty.

 Yuck.

This? It's almost pornograhic ... wouldn't you agree?

But that's Nick O'Teen's ultimate goal ...

He doesn't just stop his machinations here in the states, either. 

O'Teen isn't afraid to go global ...

Black and white doesn't mitigate the vileness of O'Teen's foul plans ...

The only thing this screams is "Uh oh ..."

It's not just kids the stooge targets either. Get a load of this: He's not beyond targeting our heroes ...

He even got Arnold to wear a "Arnold Is Numero Uno" shirt.

Real motivational confidence builder ... isn't it?

Yep: None other than Nicky Fags is behind each and every one of those images above. (By the way ... he hates it when I call him "Nicky Fags" ...)

Lower still, he even tortured poor Porky Pig himself with tobacco products:

O'Teen's henchmen ("The Stogie Three") menace our hero Porky

Want to see an example of a child's innocence dashed beyond all comprehension? Here you go ...

 It's mind-boggling the depths to which O'Teen will descend ...

Under his tutelage, O'Teen seduces kids to go two-fisted before they know it.

What a bastard. He's beyond belief. And with the power (such that it is) of Petit behind him, how can this villain possibly be stopped?

You won't believe what Clark has to say Friday ...