Monday, June 3, 2013

The Case Of King Cotton (Part 1)

Hi there, readers. Have you ever noticed that when you buy hot dogs in the grocery store, some are what you might call "normal" in colour, i.e. a sort of pinkish-brownish, meaty colour, 

and yet others are a bright, unnatural, near-neon red?

Did you ever wonder why that was?

Well, now it can be revealed. It all began one rainy August afternoon. I remember it like it was only yesterday...

The guys and I were entertaining some friends on the patio by flambĂ©ing some franks and downing a couple pitchers of Moscow Mules each. Suddenly Michael noticed a few RED hot dogs in amongst the selections, and, being naturally curious, shouted "What the blinky o'stinky is up wit dat, yo? Let's get those suckers to the lab for analysis!"

Well, long story short, we found them to be laced with all kinds of weird chemicals and additives. A lethal cocktail of mind-control drugs and laxatives, with a bit of Roundup thrown in for good measure. Who could be responsible for this fiendish tomfoolery? We searched the kitchen bin for clues, and found this alarming piece of evidence...

King Cotton?! We scratched our heads. Then we scratched our armpits. Then we pretended to be monkeys for a bit of fun (those Moscow Mules were really strong). Then we scratched each others' backs. Just who was this fiend King Cotton?

A bit of research found that King Cotton (if that was his real name) was a tricky character, who was clearly a master of disguise. Various pictures surfaced, all different.

Dagnabbit! That foul demon! What on earth was his game? Here he was, lacing wieners with poisons, but to what end? And why the disguises?

I'll leave it to the others to tell you how we quashed King Cotton and his evil trickery. We weren't going to take this...

...sitting down. He had to be stopped. You take it, boys.

If that's not mind control at work, you tell me what it is.

1 comment:

  1. King Cotton was a slaver.
    He often appeared in the guise of Simon Legree, or as Snidely Whiplash to the less literate. He was dangerous but you could always tell when he was coming by the odd, sing-song little tune he would menacingly intone under his breath (which reeked of cheap hot dogs and rancid yellow mustard.) It went something like this:
    "We got cowboys and indians,
    toys and games,
    and those King Cotton hot dogs
    taste great on the range---
    back in The King Cotton Corral".