Monday, June 10, 2013

It's Fast ... It's Furious ... And It's Freakin' Farcical

Hi, guys! 

Michael here. *enthusiastically waves to everyone reading*

I'm going off on a tangent (no comments from the peanut gallery) and rant about something I'm not really certain is an aside to life and our little likes and dislikes ... or a genuine problem The Unbelievables need to look into. I'm hoping you, John and Jane Q. Public, can navigate me in the right direction ... and, of course, we'll get "weigh ins" from fellow Unbelievables Jeff and Clark as to their thoughts on the subject as to whether or not there's any viability to what I have to say. (Again: No comments from the peanut gallery.)

I was given invitation coerced shamed obligated-to-exercise-good manners forced into viewing The Fast And The Furious 6 this past Sunday. It was the only thing I hadn't seen playing in the theater my acquaintance and I found ourselves at. And besides - it was a lot cooler to sit in an air conditioned theater than brave triple digit temperatures on a day off from work. Additionally, I'd heard (reasonably) good things about the film from "reliable" sources. So ... what harm could there be in taking in a little afternoon flick?

Now ... I'd seen the first of the franchise back in the first year of the millennium and it was an okay popcorn movie. So, again: What harm could befall me?

Let's put it this way: There was so much shameless gratuitousness and setting aside of common sense in this vehicle it was downright comical. Matter'n fact, the majority of the flick was a comedy, as it turned out. Who knew?

Example: When Toretto (Vin Diesel) took a jump to save Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) from that wrong-way-going tank driven by bad guy Shaw (Luke Evans), their mid-air collision should have collapsed at least one of their heads like an over-ripe melon instead of the two of them falling to safety (and with nary a scratch, mind you) on some convenient car that just happened to break their fall. 

Wait ... wait ... let's back up just a tad: 

There's this tank, see, driven by a bad guy, barreling along against opposing traffic on a three-lane highway. You can buy that, I'm sure. But ... we see drivers abandoning their vehicles in the middle of the road while this tank is coming at them and, for all intents and purposes, well before they know the tank is coming. Get the picture? No? How 'bout I put it this way: If a tank was driving the wrong way on a freeway, when would you know that was actually happening? Right ... when it was practically on top of you. Now ... realistically: Think you'd have time to screech to a stop, unbuckle your seatbelt, open your car door, leap out and run away to the point you're two or three car lengths away before said tank pulverized your Toyota Highlander? No. I don't think so, Tim.

But things were head-shaking at the opening of the film, way before we we're ever at the obviously traffic-challenged armored vehicle. Toretto and Walker (Brian O'Conner) are zipping through a barely-car-breadth-and-completely-impossible-to-navigate entryway with flowers and shrubs on either side ... at an unrealistic 65 miles an hour. (And I'm being extremely conservative with that speed, believe you me.) Was there any residual damage to the flora in the process? Hell no. They zipped along at such a clip as if they were threading a needle a couple lanes wide, not a care in the world. *sigh*

If you've seen the film, you know there's a sequence in the second half where a transport plane is cruising along while Shaw and Company attempt to board the transport
(with their vehicles) while it's moving. All I have to say about this particular scenario? How freakin' long is that damned runway? Because - given the time everyone had to board the cargo hold, let alone get off the plane as it was about to crash - it had to be a good 7-8 miles in length. And, again ... I'm being conservative with that estimate.

Now ... I've only touched on what's going on within the film. There's plenty more monkey business where what I've mentioned above comes from. So what am I leading to? The public's suspension of belief, that's what.

Come on. The Fast And The Furious 6 is supposed to be better than the 4 sequels that preceded it?!? Really?

The with Diesel and Rodriguez colliding in mid-air? In a theater full of people, I was the only person to guffaw out loud. And when I say "out loud" I mean I literally turned heads. Folks looked right at me wondering what my outburst was about. 

Where am I going with this? After all, it's a simple popcorn movie ... 

But is the paying public supposed to swallow this guff? I mean ... it's not a superhero movie where stuff like this happens and, you know, we're meant to relate to it in comic book terms. It's not fantasy like Willie Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. It doesn't resemble Pan's Labyrinth. This is supposed to contain real people put in a realistic situation.

The populace is being duped, I tell you. They're being force-fed fantacism which can't possibly take place in the real world ... and they're loving it. Feeding the producers moolah up the wazoo to make additional chode such as this. (Remember: This is the sixth - 6th! - film in the franchise.)

Is this something The Unbelievables need to look into? Is there some evil force out there (beside Hollywood) that we should be concerned with? Some nefarious plan or ulterior motive which needs quashing?

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I need Jeff and Clark to voice their opinions on the matter ... because I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts they have history with this very subject.

And of course you, John and Jane Doe, got opinions as well.

Let's look for my fellow compatriots' views and your comments before we come to any sort of conclusion. 

Take it away, boys ...

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