Just Another Rock-n-Roll Bodyguard Story

As Clark made you all aware on Monday, there have been many times when we have undertaken bodyguard-type work. Michael refers to these times as "a little extra sum-sum'pn" but I prefer to think of them as "slow crime weeks". See, when there's not enough bad guys out there to vanquish, things can get a little thin over at the Unbelieva-base.

At least there's beer.

Now, because we were so well-known around Vegas and Tinseltown, not to mention the Great White Way, Tin Pan Alley and La-La-Land (and Disney World), we had been asked many times if we offered personal protective services, by which we mean this...

Not this.

So, in order to keep the wolf from the door, we decided to take on a few clients and keep the fridge fully stocked.

Just can't get good help these days.

One of our first clients was the actor Karl Malden, who felt the need to hire bodyguards when he embarked upon a recording career and felt certain he would be mobbed wherever he went.

Sadly for Mr. Malden, this was not only his only recording, but the only copy ever sold. Well, that's not specifically true - he actually gave us this copy, then 'borrowed' five bucks from Michael one day and 'forgot' to return it.

We also met a musical group of young'uns who were big fans of ours. Such big fans, in fact, that they did a pastiche of one of the more famous pictures of us, from one of our early cases where we employed the services of Schlomo McCaskill, the world's only Scottish-Jewish-American FBI agent. Here's the original...

And their version...

They called themselves Jiminy Christmas and The Fires of Molech, but we thought that was a bit wordy and just called them dorks. However, we offered them our services, and it worked out for a while. Because we needed to protect our identities, we went in disguise as another band, which helped us to blend in seamlessly.

Here we are as "The Spontaneous Cheese Polka Experience". Now that's a band name.

It all went belly-up with Jiminy after a while, when they failed to secure a record deal and went their separate ways. We only had one more musical client after that, and it was this character.

As you can see, his name is not worth remembering, but he thought he was something when Dick Dale, after one too many adult beverages, agreed to let him play at his club. Big mistake. This dude literally never wore clothes anywhere if he could avoid doing so. We got really fed up with escorting a nudist about. So when he took the stage, believe me, he needed protecting. However, by this point we'd had enough of his naked shenanigans and had left the building.

I'm sure he's OK and made it out alive.

Michael will let you know about some of our other bodyguard assignments on Friday. Till then... ciao!