Unexpected Gifts

With another Valentine's Day firmly behind us, not long ago we thought it would be a good idea to "spread the love" in the form of a little "gift" to our enemies.

No ... we're not crazy. We're quite certain all of you are familiar with the saying "Keep your  friends close and your enemies closer." Well, there's that ... and more. When you're a non-government affiliated, multi-jurisdictional, not-for-profit crime and injustice fighting organization, you learn to work a few angles to keep tabs on the bad guys who wish you nothing but ill will.

We put the word out: Anyone interested in a little one-on-one time with us was welcome to enter into a random drawing. Three "winners" would get to ask a dozen questions of each of The Unbelievables. No holds barred. 

But there was a wrinkle: The questions could only be formulated such that the answers came as either "yes" or "no" responses.

Now, while that might seem limiting, you can gain quite a bit of information if you craft your questions intelligently. Regardless, we figured our counterparts would jump at the chance to grill us, the rules of the game notwithstanding.

Of course once the campaign was initiated, Kip The Mail Boy wasn't pleased with all the incoming mail. Hundreds of entries were received in the hope of being one of the lucky ones. But he hunkered through it well enough.

Once all the entries were in, winners were chosen at random by each of us. Individually, we dipped our hand into a big bag and, one by one, we pulled out the name of a counterpart.

Me? I got The Klumpmasterflash Twins.

Yeah ... The Twins look good ...

... but they're about as sharp as a bag of hammers.
Jeff pulled his next. And Clark? Well ... is there any doubt who Clark pulled out of the hat? (You'll just have to hold tight until those two post to see who they came up with. Though, you can guess Clark's pick. Or ... maybe not.)

I rang up The Twins and a meeting date was arranged.

"Well ... hello ladies," I greeted them as they were escorted into our lavishly appointed parlor/sitting room at the Unbelieva-Base a week or so later.

They sat down opposite me and forewent any pleasantries. "Just yes or no questions, right?" Greta asked.

"Correct" I responded.

Alternatively between the two - as if they had rehearsed the scenario a million times previously - the questions came in rapid staccato fire:

"Where do you keep your arsenal stash?" Gerta.

"Who supplies you?" Greta again.

"How do you keep tabs on us?" Gerta followed up.

"Ladies, ladies, ladies ..." I interrupted "... yes or no questions only, please."

The twins traded glances with each other then looked back at me. I still saw stars when I looked their way, my previous giddy, head-over-heeledness with them long ago still fresh in my mind. They repositioned themselves in their seats and continued the grilling.

Greta: "How does one become an Unbelieva-Babe?"

Gerta: "Who is this 'Kip' person we're always hearing about?"

Greta: "Why aren't you wearing pants?!?"

This went on for another few questions before they finally figured it out ... and on the final question no less:

"We haven't asked all our dozen questions yet, have we?" Gerta queried.

"Actually, yes you have" I stated matter of factly and stood up. "Thank you for coming, ladies. You're time - and your questions - are up."

I escorted the two of them to the door and blew air kisses at both while thanking them for coming. They were flabbergasted.

Indicative of The Twins, some criminals just never learn. Jeff and Clark will clue you in to what I mean ...

Overconfidence: It'll Getcha Every Time

As it turned out, the entire Teeta Von Teese Triplet conundrum, such that it was, was a bust. We didn't hear hide nor hair of them again.

No calls, no surprise visits, nothing.

 

The Klumpmaster Flash Twins and the so-called Teeta Von Deese Triplets: Nothing ever came of them in the weeks that followed ...

Knowing the Klumpmaster Flash Twins as we do, we chalked up the phone call from them - not to mention that visit from the Teeta Von Teese Triplets, if indeed and in fact that's who they were and not some fabricated monkey business concocted by the Twins for reasons unknown - as a sad attempt on their part to make us jumpy. Which simply doesn't work. (You've read about our adventures time and again; do we seem prone to jumpiness? That's what I thought you'd say ...)

Weeks passed without a hint of contact from Greta, Gerta or "the triplets." We'd put all of them out of our minds.

Then, the other night while we were kicking it in the backyard, shooting the breeze after yet another successful day's Unbelievable-ness (where have you heard THAT before?!?), there was a knock at the door. (We "heard" it from the backyard because of our ingenious and patented infra-red, acoustic-sensitive, fail-safe Unbelievable front door monitor™.)

"Kip!" Clark yelled. "Make yourself useful for a change and get that!"

Minutes passed by while we continued our kick backery. "Whatever happened to Kip?" Jeff asked casually.

Just then, he appeared in a doorway. He stood there, looking at the three of us.

"Well? Who was at the door?" I asked.

Then? He keeled over, face first, in a spectacular face plant right onto the grass.

All three of us jumped up and ran over to him ...

... and that's when everything happened.

As we leaned over Kip trying to determine what had happened to him, I was accosted from behind. I caught a hint of perfume as what I assumed was a gunny-sack was tossed over my head. Just as quickly some type of restraint wrapped around me to prevent fighting back and my nose and mouth were smothered with something that forced me to breathe in a noxious, debilitating gas, replacing the perfumey scent I'd detected a moment before.

This very well could have been our fate that evening ...

... but we were bagged and gassed ... so we hadn't a clue at the time ...

The last I remember as I slipped into unconsciousness was muffled grunts from Jeff and Clark. I could only assume they were experiencing my same fate ...

~~~ to be continued ~~~

No end to the fiendish villains we face

Q: What's more evil genius-y than people with enormous heads (like Simon Bar Sinister or Megamind)?
Q2: What's creepier than twin girls (like in The Shining)?
A: The combination of both of those horrible things.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold Fiona and Fetlana, The Fivehead Twins (not to be confused with the Klumpmasterflash Twins).

Proof that they're creepy? They're 35-years-old in this picture.

Starved for attention ever since their starstruck mother (also a villain in her own rite, the henious Stagemom whose catchphrase, "Who wants to be the next Dana Plato?", instills terror in all those who hear it) failed to get them steady work as child actresses, the Fivehead Twins concentrated on training their enormous brains to emit mind control over others. They succeeded in developing a technique that would actually display subliminal messages on their foreheads like an image on a movie screen at a drive-in movie theatre, albeit slightly smaller. Over the years, the messages they've attempted to inflict upon the general population include, "DEAD ROCK STARS CAN'T BE WRONG; HEROIN IS GOOD!", "SAVE TIME; TEXT AND DRIVE!" and "CALL (904) 633-2000 FOR JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS SEASON TICKETS". We've battled them for years, always coming out victorious, always by simply making them wear hats. We've gone so far as lining them up with legit advertising jobs (Fiona was named employee of the month once by Anheuser Busch) but they always seem to stray from the path of good back to their evil ways.
Of course, there are many more minor-league menaces out there. The guys will share some experiences with them later this week.

(Klumpmaster) Flashes In The Pan

How?

How could I have fallen so hard for the wiles of the Klumpmasterflash Twins?

Because the fact of the matter is that I did. (That Jeff ... he *had* to bring them up ...)

It's not like I turn my head at every Bombshell, Nicolette and Mary who walks past. ("Hello, Ladies!") But ... The Klumpmasterflash Twins were something special. Interesting. Exciting. Intriguing. And damned dangerous.

I mean ... look at those do's and tell me you aren't affected by their attractiveness? After all, The Unbelievables - stylish gents that we are - have an eye for the couture, you know.

Greta and Gerta tripped my trigger something fierce, though. As a young lad, I was taken by their devil-may-care style and forceful wills ... and there were two of them! More to mingle with ... !!! Yet they were instrumental in molding me into the Unbelievable I am today ... all because of their overpowering devious natures.

In those heady days of youth, you have the tendency sometimes to make grave mistakes, poor decisions, unwise turns in life's forks in the road. And I almost went down a path leading straight into Klumpmasterflash Batongaville.

Want all the sordid details? Tune in tomorrow. It turns out there are a few confidential files regarding The Twins which need to be declassified properly prior to being revealed here ...

Childhood Memories

Memorieeeees...light the corners of mah mahhhhhhhhnnnnddd...

Oh, hi folks. Jeff here. As Clark so rightly said on Monday, we do have fond memories of childhood. For example, the first time I met Marissa...

Wow. I had forgotten how much she used to look like a goofy Natalie Portman. But she clearly dug my style.

And the first time I met Michael...

Debonair fellow even then.

I remember also the first 'official' photo session.

Double knee denims were our idea, by the way, folks. Essential for when you're hiding in a crouched position for hours on end. Comfort is paramount.

I even remember an early case. We met a pair of beguiling twins, Greta and Gerta Klumpmasterflash.

They looked a lot younger than they actually were. This was Junior High.

Greta and Gerta were sweet and funny and charming, and Michael, Clark and I almost came to blows over who was going to take which one to the sock hop and which one of us fellas was going to end up as the gooseberry.
Sadly, what we did not realise right off the bat was the fact that the Klumpmasterflash Twins were evil. Pure evil. One day, we showed up and there they were, in full 'evil twin' garb.

Bad. Ass.

That didn't stop us from wanting to date them, though. Those gals was purty. But they were up to no good. They had bad news written on them like a Washington Post headline. We hadn't realised that the whole time we'd been chasing them, wooing them and generally being goofy teenage boys about them, they'd been studying our every move, finding out about all our secrets and using this info to gain favor with our early nemesis Henri Petit, that little brat!

Lil' devil.

Well, we are pretty sharp, you know, and Petit isn't, so as soon as he started making cardinal errors such as bragging to us about all the dirt he had on us, we made the connection and ditched the ladies. Actually, what Petit said to us was the childish "I know something you don't know!" which was a stupid thing to say. We knew all the stuff he knew. It was about us! Doyyy!

Nope, when it comes to the ladies, we were better off stickin' with our best gals - like Laura here.

Laura had skills. Laura could LEVITATE.

For Your Consideration

Unbelievinars™ are sure popular with everyone! We got so dogged by demands for more and more of them, on such a variety of topics, that we put out a call for more and more guest speakers at our Unbelievamininars™, and got sent a bunch of emails, photos, letters, and videos from people who are eager to share their collective wisdom and talents with a waiting world.

Like Unbelievinar™ graduate Frank Ferrone, who is keen to demonstrate the correct etiquette for hosting a BBQ and fondue party.

"Dear Unbelievables, please consider my one-day intensive course on how to be stone cold munchin' at a high class luncheon and still impress the ladies! Yours, Frank."

The Hotpants Syndicate, with their 'Hotpants 101' Fashion Show and try-before-you-buy...

Louisa Malteser, with "98 Ways With Pasta"...

Denise and Teresa Malteser (and pals), with "Make That 99 Ways"

The Bikini Twins, with "Hot Dogs Are Life, Hot Dogs Are Love"...

La Familia Malteser, with "Spaghetti Weirdness 2.0"...

And Vincent Price, with "Stabbing Meat For Fun And Profit"...

All of those are currently under consideration from the boys and myself. So look out for further notifications of these and other classes popping up in a neighbourhood near you in the not too distant future.

Footnote: We sometimes get sent videos for classes that sound interesting but turn out to be very strange indeed. We got sent this one by a lady calling herself 'Auntie Angel' and claiming to be some sort of 'sexpert'. Well, naturally, we were interested, but when we saw the video below, we were stunned and then horrified. The video purports to be some kind of tutorial about orally pleasuring a man with the use of a grapefruit. We were still interested if a little perplexed, so we manfully pressed on, until the lady whipped out a (ahem) rubber man-part and simulated fellatio on said item. That part was visually fine, but apparently she had just dropped a live squid into a garbage disposal unit right at the same moment. At least, that's what it sounded like...

Oh, and before I show you this, I should add...NSFW!!!
The 2:45 mark is where it gets weird.



One thing is for sure. 'Auntie Angel' will most definitely NOT be teaching any Unbelievamininars™ any time soon.

This Gang Is A Bunch Of Animals

You remember our special canine operative Ulf the Unbelievadog, right?

He helped us to defeat Mac Ramey (above, trying to fend off Ulf and failing miserably.)

I told you all a while back about Ulf and our other dog pals keeping tabs on rock stars and helping them to maintain their rock'n'roll personas without doing anything embarrassing (like dad dancing, or clipping coupons for example).

Well, I mentioned that there are other animal agents in our network, and this week they are on high alert.

Here are a few of our top agents:

Nutkins the Marksman, trained in all forms of miniature weaponry.

Top spy Sniffles McGrew, getting the down-low on the low-down and dirty.

Fins O'Toole, underwater tech.

Long-range shutterbug Reynard Randall, surveillance expert.

Old Blood & Nuts himself, General Gerbil S. Patton.

Microelectronics expert - Jimmy "Papa" Roach.

Fooling everyone with their cuteness, the Whiskers Twins.

BunBun Van Flop. the Moneypenny to Ulf's 007.

So why are they on high alert, I hear you cry? So glad you asked.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the biggest threat to the Earth since Loki tried to outdo The Avengers in a weird horned hat. (What exactly was the deal with that, anyways?)

Just can't take this guy seriously - not in that headgear, anyway.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand - the greatest threat to the world as we know it, which we aim to neatly wrap up by the end of the week, as we do.

Here are the main protagonists.

A high-ranking chimp officer known only as Mr. B. (Ulf tells me it probably stands for Buttons).

His top agent, Bames Jond - ladies man, weapons expert, addicted to tea.

The muscle of the operation - Mr. Shifter.

And their enforcer, Bobo.

Now I know to the ordinary person it just looks like a bunch of dressed-up chimps, but believe me when I say they have plans afoot to take over the Earth - yes, ladles and jellyspoons, it's a real live version of Planet Of The Apes about to take place in your neighbourhood! 

Don't believe me? Well, then feast your eyes on this latest photo from Animal Intel HQ.

Chilling stuff.

More on Wednesday.

Follow your dreams, hoping they lead you far from here

Oh man, the Dingleheimerwiesen brothers. Better known around here sometimes as "(Sigh) there they are again.". It started out when they were kids and they'd follow us around, asking for autographs and photos. Sure, it's flattering and their hearts have always been in the right place but it can be downright awkward trying to explain to other law enforcement officials why you have fans hanging out at a crime scene.

This meant that as much as we appreciate them, we've had to show some "tough love" and keep our distance at times. You know, just to teach them to respect boundaries. As many young people will do, they went through a rebellious phase for the purpose of seeking atention...

A real lowpoint: that semester at community college when they dated the Klumpmasterflash Twins

But we never stopped supporting them when it mattered the most and as you can see, they picked up on what was really important to us and came out just fine. We're so proud of them!

Deep down, we love these guys!

Once Again, There's Potential Evil In Them There Sweets

A lot - and I mean a lot - can happen in just a couple days.

Jeff intimated about more doings with Twinkies and Company and what's come before. I can let you in on a couple "hints" of what's to come. Nothing concrete, but you'll have no doubt big doings are in the works.

Remember Clark's big reveal concerning incendiaries and other things that go boom on those boxes of Suzy Q's, Ho Ho's and Donettes? Well ... that's sort of the same situation here: The Powers That Be over there at the newly reconstructed company are attempting to inject monkey business into the soft cream filling of those sponge cakes once more.

And that's just not going to fly. What's failed before will fail again. The bad guys ... they just don't learn. They think they can just let a bad idea alone until it fades from memory and then << POW! >> they resurrect it for their evil intentions thinking no one will notice.

News Flash: The Unbelievables don't forget.

Wait for it. It's coming.

Meanwhile, I have to go clean up after Jeff. Yesterday was Tuesday ... and you know what that means.

Whipped potato day.

We really need to teach him to tone down the gluttony and utilize a little tuber restraint ...

 Evil. Times two ...

Update: Wait ... what? What happened with The Klumpmasterflash Twins, you squawked about last week Michael?

Things don't always work the way you'd think in The Unbelievables' world. Wrenches get thrown into the machine ... complications arise. All I can say is be patient. All will be revealed ... soon ...

The Advice Column

One of the recurring themes that come with the territory when you are a stylish gent-about-town who is also a skilled martial arts devotee and secret crime fighter who is very good at everything else too is that women tend to find you irresistible. We Unbelievables find that the ladies are never far from crime scenes, hoping to catch a glimpse of their idols (i.e. us), or showing up when we do Community-oriented deeds such as reading to blind people and taking our llamas to hospitals to provide sick people with therapy. Yes, what I am talking about is groupies. 

Rojo the llama. Not even kidding about this.

That's right - just like rock stars, movie stars and mushroom farmers, we Unbelievables have hangers-on. Little limpets, Michael calls them. Aside from the almost constant presence of the Unbelievababes, and the occasional evil-doing female such as The Double-D Dames and the Klumpmasterflash Twins, we get a lot of ardent female fans flinging themselves at us, promising all sorts of treats of the boot-knockin' variety if we will just give them the time of day. For this reason, many guys ask us just what it is about us that women love. What, they cry in their dozens, is the secret to attracting a sexy female person? What, in short, do women want? Now, we've covered this sort of topic before, but it still gets asked of us, so it bears repeating.

Clearly it's a question of finding out what they like. You find out what she likes, you'll know what she wants. And for me at least, these are the things that I know that women like. No, not like. LOVE.

Women love...

...crossing the street in miniskirts. I like that too. 

Women love the colour red.

Women love guitars. Get yourself a guitar. We have hundreds. Only Clark knows how to play one, and all he can play is "Cow-Cow Boogie". Even so, an alarming amount of women want to get him down to his BVDs at the mere sight of his gleaming red instrument. See, RED... what'd I tell you?

Women also love robots, especially ones that give them parking tickets. Go figure... I mean, you know... women, eh?

Women love "JAZZ". And big horns. Answer this ad right away and the dames will be surrounding your domicile night and day, desperate for a glimpse of your shiny instrument. What, I can't use the same innuendo-laden joke twice? 

Women love scooters. Personally I think it's the thought of riding on the back of a machine that was road-tested in near-suicidal rush-hour Rome traffic, with the scent of pasta dishes and hair oil in the air, that gets them all a-quiver.

Women love Saabs. No explanation, but there's something about a Saab that makes a woman like putty in your hand. Little tip though - the same effect can be achieved with a late-model Skoda, but please avoid the Yugos and Reliant Robins.

Any road up, that's what I've found out about women, and those tips work like a charm every time. Use them wisely, for they are like gold dust. The guys will be along later in the week to add their opinions to the discussion. At the end of this week, I assure you you'll be beating women off with a rather large stick-like object.