In Too Deep

One of the things that occurs around these parts from time to time is having to go undercover. We usually don disguises whilst working on cases, lest our true identities be revealed and the case becomes compromised. However, sometimes we have to be in what is known to professionals (like ourselves) as deep cover. This is when we are so far undercover that even our own proctologist wouldn't recognize us, and believe me, that's saying something.

Well, the reason I am saying all this is because this particular week, Michael is on a solo undercover deep cover mission. Well, you might think to yourself that it's a bit dumb for me to be telling you he's in deep cover. You might think that that would blow the whole assignment. But you'd be wrong. He really is that far undercover that I could stand on the rooftop and use a massive PA system to shout to the whole world, "ATTENTION EVERYONE! MICHAEL'S IN DEEP COVER!" and criminals the world over would hear it and go, "Whatever. We haven't a hope in hell of figuring out where he is or what he looks like currently."

I suppose you'd like some examples, wouldn't you?

The following are all genuine photographs of Michael, Clark or myself (or all three of us) while in deep cover. Try to spot us, won't you? Make a game out of it.

Hello, ladies!

See? I told you. When in deep cover, we cannot be spotted. Now, I suppose you'd like the answers, would you? Okay. I have circled clumsily where an Unbelievable can be seen in each picture.

See you back here on Wednesday for more undercover fun.

Teamwork Ain't Easy, You Know ...

Hokay ... I admit: Jeff threw me with the shout out about boobs in his previous post. Because, well ... you know ... BOOBS! As in ... we Unbelievables are sometimes a bunch of boobs, if you get my meaning.

But that's part of our charm. And, in the right moments, the ladies? They dig that. (Hello, ladies!)

I mean ... you've been following The Unbelievables, right? As fabulous and fashionably put together as we appear to be, you have to understand formulating a crack crime-fighting team (let alone working within one cohesively) is no piece of cake.

It takes work.

It takes time.

It takes cooperation.

It takes effort to make a team work.

Yep. It takes work, people. And it's not always a comfortable fit right off the bat, either. Oft times blood, sweat and tears need to be infused into the mix for a team to gel into something as swanky, superior and superb as The Unbelievables. We make it look easy but - as you saw in Clark's and Jeff's previous posts - we're still human.


I know you've seen our influences and heroes in previous chapters. With respect to teamwork specifically, I thought I'd toss a few "teams" your way we tend to emulate.
 
For example: You think it was all fun and games for Laurel and Hardy to do all those wonderful things they did time and again?

Of course, Clark leaned toward Ollie, Jeff? Stan.

I loved them both equally.

How 'bout these guys? Was it a laugh a minute for The Marx Brothers?

The resemblance is almost uncanny:
Me, Jeff, Clark (l to r). "Swordfish!"

Nothing but rainbows and unicorns and candy picked from trees for Yakko, Wakko and Dot?

Clark digs Yakko (left), me Wakko (right).

Jeff, curiously, has "a thing" for Dot.

None of them were continually "on." It didn't happen for any of them 24/7. The thrusters weren't firing every waking moment of every minute of every day. That's just fact.

And it's the same for The Unbelievables. Our training, our trademark Unbelieva-Fu, our suave and smooth moves, the Unbelieva-Base ... these things took time to cultivate and perfect. 

And we continue to improve each and every day. 

Despite, you know, the occasional bump in the road ...

Again ... not the shining moment from Clark

as an undercover, multi-tasking neo-Nazi ...

SNAFUs, Foul-ups and Errors

We Unbelievables pride ourselves on being insanely good at crimefighting. It's true. We really are insanely good.
But by being insanely good crimefighters, we become susceptible to some common mistakes that make us actually less good at what we do. Trouble is, it's easy to commit them without noticing.

A great way to prevent yourself from making these mistakes is to become aware of them and to be able to recognize when you are doing them. But hey - that's easier said than done. It usually takes a good dose of Unbelieva-Zen meditation accompanied by a few Bahama Mamas from Red Lobster to do it. At least, that's what works for me.

Mm-mmmm.

The first of these common mistakes is…

Not Wearing The Right Gear

As crimefighters, it is easy to become focused on doing things faster and better so we sometimes forget the point of what we are doing. We use excellent time management tools to fill our schedules with activities and we use a system to get through our huge To Do lists we create for ourselves. Sorry, no, none of that's true. We are some of the most disorganised people we know. And that's saying something. However, we have a system, and 99% of the time, it works.

The problem that arises when you constantly focus on HOW to do things more efficiently (yeah, right) is that we can forget small yet important things, such as the right clothes for the job. Take this picture for an example.

This was the time we infiltrated a Latin American drug ring that were concealing the goods by stuffing them inside soccer balls that were being used by visiting minor league Colombian teams. We went undercover and donned traditional woollen ponchos. What we failed to remember is that soccer tends to be played 90% of the time in the rain, on a muddy pitch, and woollen garments tend to become waterlogged and weigh 400 pounds each. It was a rookie mistake, and no one Unbelievable was responsible for this error, except for Michael, whose idea it was in the first place. We still saved the day, but only after we had fought our way out from under the rain-sodden ponchos. Eesh.

The next mistake we've made is…

Multitasking


That cheesehead talking on the phone while typing an email on his BlackBerry all the while checking out the latest news on the TV has become the poster child for productivity. You might think to yourself, "Hey, that's cool, that's what I want to be able to do, I could get so much done!" Truth is, not only do most people not have enough stuff on their to-do lists to fill up even an hour of their day, but geez, that guy's a dork! Being able to multitask well seems to imply intelligence, but seriously, what's so great about it?
Research has shown that the human brain actually processes one thing at a time. If you are reading a magazine while chatting with your buddies and surfing the Internet, you are actually doing each of those activities one after another and not in parallel. In short, multitasking is a big fat lie.

Clark is one of those people that sometimes makes the mistake of trying to multitask, and somehow he always gets in trouble for it. For example...

Note: he was undercover as a neo-Nazi in this photo. Trying too hard.

The next mistake I shall focus on is...

Using Too Many Tools

OK, we admit it: we like bright, shiny objects.


When there is a new weapon, martial arts move, or shiny new gadget, we want to learn about it. The great thing is that they usually all have some intrinsic value. The problem is that there is a learning curve for each one and you spend a bulk of your time learning how it works as opposed to actually doing what you want to do. Take this new Swiss-Army tool as an example:

You wouldn't believe how long it took to learn what everything this handy-dandy item does. But when we finally got down to the nitty-gritty of every single gizmo and gadget on there and found that they neglected to put a USB stick on there... boy, did we feel foolish! Buyer beware!

Anyway, I'm sure that Michael will have more slip-ups and boobs for you next time. Till then...

Ciao!

Teamwork is the key!

Ironically, I wasn't present for this photoshoot.

People are often amazed at our incredible track record of success. "Are you guys inhuman? Don't you ever make mistakes?", they ask. The answer to one of those questions is no and the other answer is yes. When we have strayed from the team dynamic, we have come up with sub-optimal results.

I remember this one time, we had all decided to take on our own individual public service efforts.

Michael had scheduled a camera crew to come to The Unbelieva-base to film him offering a myriad of handy tips. Unfortunately, he hadn't planned anything in advance and was just walking around, hoping to find things to comment on, with the camera crew following him. He wandered into the kitchen and was relieved to see that someone had left the refrigerator door open.

"Ah yes. Leaving the 'fridge door open. There's no need to cool the great outdoors; global warming has seen to that!" 

He winked, smiled, gave a thumbs-up and closed the door before moving on to other rooms, looking for other areas of household malfeasance.

What he didn't realize was that Jeff had hired a camera crew of his own and that they were shooting an instructional video on how to responsibly handle human organs that had been harvested and would be donated to needy patients. As Michael left the kitchen, Jeff walked in, carrying an Igloo Playmate cooler containing a human head that was slated to be grafted on to the body of an unfortunate person who had somehow lost or damaged his own.

"Now, by planning ahead and opening the refrigerator door before retrieving the container, I can simply place it inside and not worry about any mishaps that could result from a clumsy attempt to open it while...what the...?!?"

Being a pro, Jeff was looking at the camera the whole time and didn't see the door was closed. Instead of sliding the Igloo Playmate inside, he banged it against the door, it popped open and the frozen head fell out  It was slippery (due to being frozen), kind of round and also gross so nobody was able to pick it up as it rolled through the kitchen, under a table and down a hallway, where Michael had just laid out some mousetraps, thumbtacks and lit matches in order to illustrate a point about the dangers of leaving common household items lying around. The head gathered these items like a human snowball as it made it's way into the dining hall, where I was hosting a press luncheon  and trying to deal with a public relations issue facing my ill-fated community initiative, "Violence Solves Everything!". .

"I've heard some of you in the media express some doubt about this initiative. Why, I've even heard that it has actually led some of you to have concerns about The Unbelievables use of torture in interrogating suspects. That's absurd! Let me assure you that we have never, ever..."

At that exact moment, I was interrupted by horrified screams as a reporter saw the head, now adorned with mousetraps, colorful thumbtacks and a couple of burn marks, skid to a stop next to our table. This was followed by Jeff bursting into the room and yelling, "Get back here, you sonofa..." with Michael right behind, shouting, "Do it again! I need to get it on video this time!"

Yes, we've learned that we are much more effective as a unit that works together. The guys will clue you in on some other examples.

Just a Few Notes

From time to time here at Unbelieva-base, the mail we get is not of the question-and-answer variety, rather it is in the form of the dreaded ransom note. There are a few in today's mailbag, so let's peruse them, shall we? The guys are all here today, so we can give replies 'in real time', so to speak. Here we go...

Michael: That's not our mower.

Jeff: No, it sure isn't.

Clark: HP Sauce? HP? It's the work of that ugly horrid baby Henri Petit. What kind of idiots does he take us for?

Michael: Stupid ugly baby.

Jeff: That's NOT our car.

Clark: No sirree. 

Michael: What kind of threat is that? There is no threat. Just 'we want money for this car'. There's supposed to be an "OR ELSE..." isn't there?

NB. This certainly isn't our car. We have had several, and the way you can tell it's OUR car is obvious. Examples...

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes again.

No. No sexy ladies, and impossible to see out.

Michael: Well, that's just rude.

Clark: Yeah. As if we'd own a Trabant Limo! Hahahaha! Lime green, even! Hahaha!

Jeff: Yeah... that's just, um, ridiculous.

Michael: See you guys later!

Clark & Jeff: Whatever.

Clark: What are you doing?

Jeff: Um, nothing, just checking to see if my phone is fully charged and switched on.

 Clark: I knew he'd figure that out eventually. Stupid baby.

More from the mailbag

Yep, we do indeed get mail, which we read AND answer! Check it out...

Dear Unbelievables,
In which way are you most disappointed that life isn't like cartoons?
Sincerely, 
B. Watterson

Dear B,
Definitely the fact that bullet holes in bad guys' heads don't come out perfectly round and don't always go all the way through.


Dear Unbelievables,
Ultimately, doesn't a word, ANY word, only have as much power as you give it? I mean, come on.
Sincerely,
P. Deen

Dear P,
Yes. You douchenozzle.


Dear Unbelievables,
If you're not guilty, you have nothing to hide. Right?
Sincerely,
K. Alexander

Dear K,
Somehow, I think you already know how we feel about that.


Dear Unbelievables,
I can't decide whether I want to be a DJ or a social media guru. What should be my first step?
Sincerely,
A. Teen

Dear A,
Fill this out


Dear Unbelievables,
What's one thing that doesn't get a lot of attention that makes you such effective crimefighters?
Sincerely,
C. Urious

Dear C,
I'd say it's actually a healthy level of respect for our foes. Not for their values, of course, but for their skills and abilities. It keeps us from underestimating them.


Dear Unbelievables,
I'm so glad you said that, because I have a fiendishly clever riddle for you: What starts out "blue", becomes "slippery when wet" before turning "red all over"? Hmmmm? Engage me in this cunning game of cat-and-mouse, won't you?
Sincerely, 
H. Petit

Dear Henri Petit,
Oh my God, you fat stupid ugly baby. More of your fat, stupid, infantile, made-up nonsense?


Dear Unbelievables,
I'm not a baby and it's not nonsense. It's an incredibly difficult riddle. I worked really hard on it and it involves the safety of a top governemnt official's family, so...
Sincerely,
Henri

Dear Petit,
I'm on my way over there and I'm going to beat you with your own high chair for a half hour and then I'm going to punt you through a plate glass window, you horrible, ugly, horrible child..


Dear Unbelievables,
Just kidding. Please don't come over.
Sincerely,
Henri "for the last time, I'm not a child" Petit

We Get Mail

We, The Unbelievables, get letters. Yes ... we do.

It's not all about crime fighting, ridding the world of evil doers and throwing fabulous entertainment extravaganzas (Hello, Ladies!) ... let me tell you.
 
Sometimes? It's necessary to tussle with some of the more difficult questions the world throws our way. For example ...

Dear Unbelievables,

Who's the person determining the colors that are "in" for the upcoming fall season? And I hear some joker decided one-piece bathing suits will make a splash next summer, not the more flesh-friendly attire? Come on! I'm having a hard time believing this! And just who the hell says stripes are "the thing" and plaids have gone the way of the dinosaur? What crap!

The fashion industry is nothing more than a big steaming pile! Get to the bottom of this, will you?

Thank you in advance, Clara Beau

Important stuff - I'm sure you'd agree. This was our collective response: 

Clara:

You're right. It's crap. And here's why:

There's no one person who says yellow is the new color for the fall season. Truth be told, the left hand of the fashion industry doesn't know what the right hand is doing. It could be as simple as too much yellow fabric left over from last year's fashions and those guys with their noses in the air just want to get rid of all of it.

The result? << BOOM! >> Yellow is in.

It's like wine: "This Pinot Headache-O vintage has strawberry essences and a woody finish." Bull pucky. The same strawberry that tastes like a strawberry to you might have a completely different taste to us. Granted, it will still taste like a strawberry - and we identify it as such - but we're all individuals with individual likes and differentiations.

The bottom line is this: There's not a whole lot we can do about this situation other than refuse to conform to what "they" mandate. Wear whatever it is you like and love yourself for doing so.

It's the best revenge.

Regards

The Unbelievables
Twitter: @StylishGents

And then there was this little gem the guys decided to pass along to me:

And my response ...

Dear Billy:

You need to understand Mom and Dad are paying the bills. They're the ones who keep a roof over your head and food on the table. So right this moment it's their call on where you go to school.

And if that school mandates uniforms? You're kind of SOL. So here's my advice: Conform, Billy, and get used to the fact that until you hit 18 years of age you're up a creek without a paddle.

Good luck.

Your pals, The Unbelievables

P.S. The best revenge will be that one day you, too, will probably have kids. Then you can subject them to the same unfairness your parents foisted on you. It's called "paying it forward." You just need a little patience.