Monday, February 22, 2016

A time for a personal accounting

"I spent HOW MUCH on hand-tooled leather mouse saddles?!?"

While you may heave heard that Kanye West revealed that he has accrued some $53 million in personal debt, you probably didn't hear that he came to us for help first. Unfortunately, we weren't able to offer the assistance he needs. A cursory glance at his spending habits revealed that what he needed was a financial adviser or an accountant or simply an adult to sternly shout "NO!" once in a while.

None of those things are what we do in terms of services rendered so we had to turn him away. But the experience did open our eyes to the possible financial perils that international jet setters like ourselves could face. Yes, the Unbelieva-base is somewhat opulent (in the lower levels, beneath the laundromat that you see from the street). From the toilets with hot and cold flush capability to the ice maker that fashions cubes in our own individual likenesses to the shag-carpeted basketball court, we don't lack for amenities. Nor should we! We need that stuff!

Still, we decided it's probably a good idea to take a look at some of our personal spending habits and see if there is any pork that can be trimmed with the solid gold pork-trimming sheers we got each other for Christmas two years ago.

Here are the areas where it would probably be good for me to cut back...

$700 a month, spare robot parts
In all these years, I haven't created a single fully-functioning robot (YET!). I'm not going to give up but, all things considered, I can't honestly justify the need for so many spare parts.

$19.95 a month, dues, Licorice of the Month Club

The fee is fairly nominal, even though they only send out two kinds of licorice. If you receive black in January, you can bet with confidence that it will be red in February. Care to guess what's coming in March? Exactly. No, the real problem is that they insist on running it like an actual club, where you're supposed to fly in (at your own expense) and attend meetings. And those always break down into arguments over which kind of licorice is better, red or black.

$145 a month, remote controlled Sleep Number® memory foam underpants 

Only remote controlled Sleep Number® memory foam underpants adjust on each side to your ideal level of firmness, comfort and support - your remote controlled Sleep Number® memory foam underpants setting. I've heard that some people are able to live active and healthy lives without this technology. I don't know how or why but I guess I should probably give it a try.

$850 a month, Air Defenestrators® (shoes designed for kicking people out of windows)

Special shoes designed for kicking people out of windows? Yes! Sure, you could wear regular shoes and kick someone out of a window. But why would you want to? You're simply not going to get the arc and distance and just general oomph you would get from shoes designed specifically for that purpose. Once, I wore a pair in Chicago and some punk tried to steal them. Guess what happened?
Notice what he doesn't have in his hands: my shoes.

But since I can't justify buying a new pair every single month aside from indulging my taste for fashion, this number needs to come down. 

Wow, looks like I need to make some serious adjustments to my lifestyle!
I wonder what Michael and Jeff learned about their own personal spending habits?

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