Friday, August 22, 2014

Onesie 'Pon A Time

I love the onset of Fall (or as we Brits refer to it, Autumn). The sizzling temperatures of the summer begin to cool. There's a definite chill in the air. The leaves change from verdant green to a myriad of yellows, browns, oranges and reds. They drop, like a fresh sea-spray in your face when going out in your dinghy to your luxury yacht, onto your carefully manicured lawns and have to be raked up and made into a pile so your snot-nosed kids can then jump in it and ruin the fruits of your labours. Holy terrors.

The cooler weather means we have to cover up a little from our preferred semi-naked state, lest our manly flesh gets covered in goosebumps and scares all the maiden aunts down at the library. Being international playboys who just happen to be butt-kickin' crimefighters, speed and comfort are of the essence. This is when the one-piece jumpsuit comes into play, as noted by Michael on Monday.

In these modern times, however, the jumpsuit has been hijacked by the youth, who have changed the name of it from 'jumpsuit' to 'onesie'. We Unbelievables have a problem with this change for a couple of reasons. 

  • Firstly, the terminology is all wrong. This

is a onesie, a one-piece shirt-with-crotch-snaps for babies. Why the crotch snaps? To hold that burgeoning diaper in place while the parent runs around like a headless chicken looking for the baby wipes, the fresh nappy and the butt cream, that's why. A true 'onesie' for adults doesn't really bear thinking about, but it might be useful for those guys who are so chubby that they have trouble keeping their shirts tucked in at work. Eeesh.

  • Secondly, what now passes for a onesie is actually a pair of 'footie pyjamas' without feet. Trouble is, they are available in a myriad of wild and silly designs, which might be amusing the first time you wear it, but soon gets old. All that comes of this is that your friends and family now believe you to be a ginormous dork.

This girl (I assume it's a girl) has watched Charlie and The Chocolate Factory one too many times and now wishes to become Violet Beauregarde.
No, if you want to do the jumpsuit right, you have to go back to the classics. It's not a pair of jammies, snug and warm for Fall though they may be. It's a suit, practical and stylish, where the trousers are joined to the shirt and (in some cases) jacket. 

Clark and I showing off our stylish suits. We are ready for action!
And I know the festive season is just around the corner (only 18 Tuesdays away, folks!) but seriously -  Christmas onesies are even worse than the normal kind.

Except for this one, of course.

No comments:

Post a Comment