Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Case of King Cotton (Part 2)

When we first learned that hot dogs were being tainted, making them more deadly, we wondered 'why bother?'. That's like putting an unnecessarily sharp, rusty edge on a nuclear bomb. But once, Jeff determined that it was mind control, we knew where to start our investigation: the criminal mastermind Henri Petit.
Henri Petit is an evil genius afflicted with a rare and mysterious medical condition; he's a full-grown adult who looks like a child. He is also a sociopath, obsessed with the idea of stunting the growth of children, using meat products and tobbaco to accomplish this.
When he himself was actually a child, his parents served him nothing but Prairie Belt Smoked Sausages, either because they were very poor or they hated young Henri (both theories are valid). It's believed that the product within the cans caused his condition and that the artwork on the outside of them inspired his twisted, evil, meaty plans:

SERVING SUGGESTION: Potted meat = mutant children people
 We've dealt with him many, many times but he's incarcerated today because we thwarted his plot to infuse chcken nuggets with nicotine.
We travelled to the maximum security holding facility in Baltimore where he is currently being held to interview him in order to get some insight into the mind of this "King Cotton". Here's a partial transcript:

MICHAEL: All right, Petit. Tell us what you know about bright red hot dogs.
PETIT: Ah, the mighty Unbelievables need my assistance! How ironic. How delicious. Very well. Quid pro quo. I will tell you things and in exchange for my cooperation, you will tell me things. Do we have an agreement?
CLARK: I agree to grab you by your stubby legs and drag your head back and forth across the bars of this jail cell!
PETIT: Okay, that's...
JEFF: I will put a tiny sombrero on your head, hang you from the ceiling and hit you with a stick until candy comes out!
PETIT: What??
MICHAEL: I will punch your face so many times you'll beg me to kick your ass, just for the sake of variety!
PETIT: Listen, seriously, what is it with you guys and physical violence? Just once, couldn't we compete on a more clever, intellectual level, a battle of wit, vocabulary and elocution like a verbal chess match?
CLARK: Shut up, you ugly fat baby!
JEFF: Yeah! Talk, you hideous infant!
PETIT: I AM NOT A... Look, you can't harm me. Sure, on the outside of these prison walls you've beaten me to a pulp and hit me with cars and thrown me through plate glass windows more times than I care to remember. But in here, I'm surrounded by a phalanx of prison guards who don't give a damn about the vaunted Unbelievables. It would appear your 'justice system' has failed you; you see, I'm in here to keep the public safe, yet I'm the one being protected. Once again, how deliciously ironic!
MICHAEL: Yeah, we're almost done over here, guys (continues signing autographs and posing for photos with prison guards).
PETIT: (Sighs) Damn it!

 It didn't take long after that, but further, um, discussion with Petit confirmed Jeff's theory that King Cotton was seeking to establish control over the minds of children for the purpose of making them serve as his mindless slave army.

Already armed with weapons and swearing allegiance to their new overlord.
We had to make our next move quickly... and that's exactly what we did.

Friday: The conclusion to The Case of King Cotton

No comments:

Post a Comment