Friday, June 14, 2013

Let's Play Spot-the-Plot-Hole!

The trouble with movie bad guys, even the ones that appear to be master criminal genii, is that they usually spend their entire time on-screen making foolishly dumb mistakes (whether by accident or design). We Unbelievables make a game out of it: The second time we watch any flick involving a "criminal mastermind", we just imagine how his plan would have gone had the good guy not appeared to save the day.
More often than not, it becomes apparent that his "genius scheme" would have fallen apart all on its own. What's that ya say? Examples? Okay...

Take Die Hard. There's Hans Gruber and his entourage of "Dieter from Sprockets" lookalikes...

"I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. And also, pay attention in class, Potter."
...who are laying siege to Nakatomi Plaza and posing as terrorists. Why? To confuse people. In reality they are attempting to steal $640 million in bearer bonds (whatever those are) from the vault. Once the vault is blown open, Hans intends to send all the hostages to the roof and then blow them to smithereens. The resulting tangle of bodies and building parts will supposedly be sooo confusing for the emergency services, they'll fail to notice that he's not one of the dead bods.
The next part of the plan is sheer brilliance. They have an ambulance into which they will load the many duffel bags full of bonds. And themselves. All 13 of themselves. And drive off, blending in seamlessly with the other emergency vehicles.

Yes, this. This is the vehicle Hans chose. 
How in the name of Satan's left bollock are 13 grown men going to fit into this thing? Sit on each other's laps? And lest we forget, those duffel bags. Again.
Then there's the tiny matter of actually leaving the parking garage. Dieter Hans and his henchies have locked the gate. We saw them do it. The limo driver was trapped inside because of this. It took him two hours to figure out that he could crash through the gate, and this is what Hans and Co. will have to do in order to get out, since the Feds shut off the electricity and the gates can't be reopened manually. Like they wouldn't notice an ambulance barreling through an electric gate and speeding off into the distance. They wouldn't even make it to the first intersection.
And say Hans does make it out undetected... how long will it take for the Federales to figure out his plan? 
The reason he tries to convince the FBI that he's a terrorist is a mere ploy to disguise the fact that he's just a crook. In his plan, blowing the roof up will make them think that he and his extremist pals kaboomed themselves and their hostages, because that sort of crap is stuff that terrorists generally find to be a pretty good idea. But the bomb doesn't destroy the vault. Hans never wanted it to. Which means he deliberately left a huge empty safe with the door open for the cops to find. Just rubbing it in. Nyaa, nyaa, ny-nyaa-nyaa. In German. Or something.

Wouldn't take long to identify the charred bodies, would it? Especially when they already know exactly how many hostages were in the building. When the FBI realizes the count is a few terrorists and about half-a-billion dollars shy, they're going to know that Hans had away with that money. At most, he's got an extra week and then Interpol is going to bust into his Magaluf hotel room and drag him out through the lobby in his skivvies.

Another one?
OK, take Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Take that psychotic principal Mr. Rooney and his vendetta against Ferris. 
Ferris takes a day off school. He does a bunk. He skips school. Big whoop. he convinces his dopey parents that he's sick, and his Mum actually speaks to the school and tells them as much.

At this point, any normal school would just take the parent's word for it and say no more on the matter. But Rooney completely abandons any vestige of being an educator by trying to seek out Bueller and nail him, even going so far as to break into his house. Surely, if you're concerned about the boy taking too many days off school, you call his parents in for a meeting? Or something? How is Rooney supposed to explain his actions away to the school board when they get wind of it?
This is not a normal principal.
See how much fun you and your buddies can have playing this game. Ciao, babies.

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