Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Robots? You bet I love 'em!

Of course I love robots! What's not to like? They build our cars. They explore our outlying planets. They provide pursuit vehicles for our cats.

Star Wars? That whole thing was a story about what hapens to two robots. They're awesome!
When it comes to disguises, I'm all about robots. Let's face it, we're living in a world dominated by technology. What better way to fit in and not be noticed (the purpose of disguisery) than as a robot? Also, disguising yourself as a human takes a lot of work. You have to take on new vocal characteristics and physical mannerisms and actually become another person. You can't just throw on a rubber mask and act like you usually do. Because then people say things like, "why does Jeff look so rubbery?". If you don't have the time to commit to becoming a character, it's best to make like The Transformers. Except it's not "Robots In Disguise", more like "Robots As Disguise".
Here are some basics do's and don'ts when it's time for you to...

  • DO make lots of beeps and blurps. That's robot language! "Beep boop boop beep bop boop beep beep boop beep!" That isn't just nonsense; if you say it correctly, it's Marissa Rapier's home phone number.
  • DO include lots of gauges, buttons and light bulbs. People are put off by intricate techno-gadgets. The more stuff there is to look at, the less likely somebody is to examine you, allowing you to remain undetected.
  • DO be shiny. Everybody knows robots are made out of space-age polymers and stuff, material that is naturally shiny. Nobody is going to give you any credibility if you show up for a high-tech stakeout looking like this:
Pity, maybe. But not credibility. Although, sometimes credibility is overrated...
  • DO talk in a stiff, monotone voice. Nothing is creepier than robot voices that try to sound human (think: the automated systems you encounter when you call your cable provider). Stick with the "TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-LEADER" cadence and you'll be fine (okay, I know that's something that Martians say, not robots, but you get the idea). 
  • DON'T do "The Robot". I know it's tempting, but just... don't, okay? Don't.
  • And as always, DO be prepared to rescue any and all damsels in distress.

    Beep! HELLO-LADY! Boop!

Here are some declassified photos of The Unbelievables in action, to give you some focus...

Notice how we're just standing there, in the middle of a public street and nobody is paying any attention to us? Perfect! This allowed us to nab the band of criminals who had turned all the traffic lights red in Seattle.

Here we are leading a frightened mob to safety shortly after a nuclear plant went haywire in Ohio; "Beep, boop, beep, FOLLOW-US-IF-YOU-WANT-TO-LIVE-AND-IGNORE-THE-IRONY-THAT-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-IS-SAVING-YOUR-LIVES-IS-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-PUT-YOU-ALL-IN-DANGER-IN-THE-FIRST-PLACE. Boop, beep, boop."
So now you have all you need to walk undetected among the machines like a pro.
Happy robot-ing!

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