Friday, February 22, 2013

How Elvis got to be everywhere

Yes, Elvis was a very good friend and an invaluable confidante to The Unbelievables. We were devastated when he passed away. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to mourn before we had to spring into action to deal with the consequences of his death.

You ain't nothing but a group
of organisms or cells produced
asexually from one ancestor or stock,
to which they are genetically identical.

Very, very few people knew about this but one of Elvis's greatest interests was human genetics, specifically the area of cloning. Deep beneath the Graceland compound is a laboratory where far stranger things routinely took place than could ever occur at Area 51, which doesn't even exist so forget I mentioned that. Being a conscientious and ethical scientist, Elvis insisted on conducting these experiments only on himself. As a result, he accumulated thousands of clones over the years. Some of these experiments were more successful than others but he kept them all in a holding facility, where they were fed and cared for lovingly... until his death. That day, utterly distraught at the passing of their patriarch, the cloned Elvises (or Elvi) broke out of the holding facility and swarmed out into the world, running amuck over the state of Tennessee. The level of panic was incredible. The city of Memphis fell almost immediately. Citizens were advised to head to the state capital in Nashville with the promise of first aid, shelter and protection from the National Guard, but that was a pipe dream. All major population centers were completely overrun within days. Stockpiles of food, ammunition and KC and the Sunshine Band records were being exhausted at an alarming rate. Small bands of survivors scavenged for supplies by day and tried their best to avoid being serenaded by off-key renditions of "Love Me Tender" by night. Those people did the the best they could against the Elvi but they were fighting a losing battle. Thousands of people were being Thanked, Thanked Very Much every day.

"Ma'am, the hunk a hunk a burnin' love is coming from JUST OUTSIDE THE HOUSE!"
We got there as soon as we could to assess the situation and came up with a plan right away. Since all British people know each other, Jeff called his pal Paul McCartney (who had faked his own death in 1966 so he could quit the Beatles and concentrate on his true passion, sheep herding, but that's a whole other story) who immediately assisted us in training elite Beatlemania commando units. Because there's nothing in the world that Elvis found more threatening than the Beatles, with the possible exception of a nice, fresh salad.
Although, there's nothing that says you can't deep fry a salad.
We deployed those units strategically throughout the region, where they encountered the clones who turned and retreated in terror. Eventually, they were able to steer the majority of the Elvi back to Graceland where they were corralled again, hosed down and given a nice meal of banana pudding and Dilaudid. They settled right down and are docile and happy today, ranging freely about on Graceland's back 40 acres, an area not open to the public. 

Beatle Team 6; the unsung heroes of Loudon, Knox, Grainger and Claiborne counties

The operation wasn't a complete success, as some got as far away as South Carolina, Georgia and New Mexico where they took jobs as short order cooks at truck stops, leading some to believe they had sighted The King himself. Even now, finding some of the stray clones in places all over the globe is not uncommon. All we can say is that should give you an idea of the sheer numbers we were faced with back in 1977. At least, as Michael pointed out, they're manageable now. And you're welcome.

"B-a-a-a-con, p-e-eanut butter, b-a-a-nana sandwiches!!!"

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