Beer and Women's Clothes

Having uncovered the identities of the jewel thieves (you know, the ones that tried to pin it on us, claiming our disguises weren't all that good, etc., you know, follow the plot please) as the Turklington Gang, we decided to delve into their past crimes and misdemeanors to see if we could second-guess what their next move might be. 

We noticed a very clever and fiendish pattern in their criminal background. Clearly, the girls (if one can call them such) have noticed a trend among young men, which is the habit of dressing up as ugly unattractive women when going out on the lash. Usually, this is done for a celebratory reason (passed driving test, moving house, getting married, had a baby, leaving for college/army, just got out of the clink, etc. or sometimes even for no real reason at all, it just seemed like a good idea at the time) and, as most ideas of this kind seem to be, fueled by plenty of alcohol. In fact, here's a graph to prove my point.

It is a not uncommon sight in most cities on a Friday or a Saturday night to see groups of young men, pissed as newts, dressed like an explosion in Grandma's wardrobe, chanting football slogans or singing bawdy barrack-room ballads and intimidating passers-by.  

Wey-hey!

Awwight darlin'?

So the Turklington gang have clearly hit upon the idea of posing as a group of lathered-up men-dressed-as-women in order to deflect attention away from themselves, since nobody really wants to be associated with these fellas. The Turklingtons are therefore free to go where they please and rob whatever they see fit. 

And try to pin the blame on innocent people like us, too.

So now that we have their M.O. sussed out, all we have to do is figure out which nite spot they're going to start from. 

On Friday we'll have more to tell, that is for darn sure.

A break in the case!

Having effectively cleared our names regarding the absurd notion that we could be criminals or ugly women, we received a formal apology from the Stiletto Flats Police Department:

"We're formally sorry about that. Our bad. It probably won 't happen again." - Stiletto Flats Police Department

To protect and to serve, or at least apologize when falling short

With that out of the way, we went to work actively trying to solve the case and we've already discovered the true identities of the bandits and they're (here comes the PLOT TWIST) actually women!
They're women who know that they look like men dressing as women. Fiendishly clever!

This is the leader. Her name is Maude Turklington. Her crew consists of her sisters...

Daphne

And Fiona

They call themselves the Turklington Sisters Robbery Gang, which is not nearly as clever. These ladies are the brains of the operation and the ones who actually show up to commit the crimes, but they're assisted by their dimwitted boyfriends.

Maude's squeeze Kevin, getaway driver.

Daphne's main man Larry handles the crew's social media. Q: Why on earth would a gang of crooks have a social media presence? A: Why not?

And Fiona's buttermuffin Walter, who's on hand for various odd jobs and thuggery.

So now we know what we're really up against and that much closer to bringing them to justice!

Such a Drag

Naturally, as we are the world's greatest crimefighting trio, we have various philanthropic interests. All great heroes have their own 'pet' charities - be it animal rescue centers, foundations that grant wishes to dying kids, or international crisis relief organizations. Naturally, we shun the limelight because of our need to retain our status as masters of disguise, so it is not widely known which charities receive our support.

It seems, though, that a rumour has sprung up from God-knows-where that we are benefactors to a charity for sick children. Another equally unfounded rumour has reared its ugly head that we are somewhat strapped for cash and have taken to robbery to fund our lifestyle and all that it entails.

Hence the video of the three men-women-men robbing the jewelry store. As Clark pointed out on Wednesday, we have no need for extra bling-bling, possessing as we do a mighty fine collection of sparklies as it is. If we were strapped for cash we'd SELL that before we'd go on the rob.

All we can think is, these three started these rumours so that when the CCTV footage surfaced, people would put two and two together in order to make five. However, anyone who knows our disguisemastership knows we make WAY more convincing women than the three specimens in the video.

So, while we wait for an apology from SFPD over their mistake, and wait for the robbers/rumour-mongers/badly disguised folks to be hauled in and the book thrown at them, let me offer something in the way of advice.

If you want to impersonate a woman, there are a couple books you could invest in.

An indispensable guide to looking like (a) a cheap tramp; (b) a streetwalker; (c) a ditzy barfly, and many more.

Not a guide per se, but a thumping good read. A thrill ride from start to finish.

And here are a few examples:

Definitely girls, but stylish use of men's gear.

This look is useful when pretending to be a store mannequin.

This look is useful when you're in the desert, and your name is Priscilla.

So, to be clear:

• We are not financially embarrassed;
• We did not steal anything,
• All the charities we support are receiving regular donations from us,
• We are far better at disguising ourselves as women than those 'ladies' in the video, and
• We are not drag queens either, though we do have a few drag friends.

Capice?

• 
  

Gone Beautiful

"While we're triple-checking the veracity of the information we've received thus far, all indications point to the three being none other than Stiletto Flats very own resident international crime fighters ... The Unbelievables ..." - Monday's episode

What?? No!!! This boundless and baseless accusation is preposterous and insulting on a number of levels.

1) We're not bad guys. Duh. That's pretty much exactly what we are not and what we are the opposite of.

"Good" = Us

2) Why in the world would we steal jewelry, of all things?

When we already have such sweet bling-age of our own?

3) These are nothing but dudes in wigs!

Let me be clear about something. Do we, The Unbelievables, sometimes dress as women? Of course we do. We're masters of disguise! It's a necessary thing for infiltrating criminal organizations, as well as nice form of relaxation. But when we do it, we take it seriously. We don't just slap on a wig, some sunglasses and some yoga gear and say, "look at us, we're girls!" 

• In order to sound like women, we modulate our voices to a higher pitch and say lady things like "ooh!" and "ew!" and "squee!" and "spiders are icky" and "somebody help me open this jar" and "my uterus is killing me!"
• We pick out stylish and feminine clothing to wear.
• We walk with a swivel to our hips, like ladies do.

The end result?

Boom, bitches.

 Come on. Compare that to these hideous cows...

GROSS!!!

Get it together, S.F.P.D. I thought you were better than this, but we definitely are.

FIERCE!!!

Go out and get some actual evidence and solve a crime, duh.

Gone Bad

Recently in an office at the end of a hallway at the Stiletto Flats Police Department ...

A police captain enters the room and the hushed whispers of a dozen or so officers sitting at several tables become quiet. All attention is pointed toward the captain as he makes his way to a podium at the head of the room.

"Gentlemen? May I direct your attention to the video screen please ..."

The room darkens and a video pops on a screen behind the captain:



At its conclusion, the lights come up once more. The captain clears his throat.

"The robbery you just witnessed was conducted late Thursday afternoon at Stiletto Flats Jewelry. The two employees at the store - both shown behind the counter in the video at various times - have said they believe the perpetrators were three men dressed in wigs and female clothing. Apparently all three spoke at different times during the robbery and the employees stated in no uncertain terms their voices were distinctly male. You can see in the video they avoided the glass display cases altogether and went for the safe in the rear of the store. And it's been reported approximately $240,000.00 was taken. All three suspects were wearing gloves and eye wear as can be seen, making identification extremely difficult. However ... a witness has come forward who claims there are telltale indications as to the suspects' identities ..."

"Who?" came the calls of several of the officers.

"While we're triple-checking the veracity of the information we've received thus far, all indications point to the three being none other than Stiletto Flats very own resident international crime fighters ... The Unbelievables ..."

The Dangerous Dancers Of Maurice: The problem we ALL have

Jeff stated the obvious: "We might have a problem ..."

Michael did an absolutely top-notch job of infiltrating Maurice Dancer's "nefarious flowery-frocked gang of musical mayhemers" and should be commended for taking, um, extreme measures to do so. The situation should be considerably easier to manage going forward, but major damage has been done and will continue to manifest for some time. I'm not sure you, the general public, see the potential problems...

"What's wrong with joining forces with a bunch of fun people who like to drink and sing and wear flowers in their hair?", you ask.

Nothing... at first

But soon, the flowers begin draining the victim's brain

"Uhhhhh... like, whaaaaa?"

And then the toxins begin distorting the victim's facial features...

"Give me a kiss. Or another lemon to suck on. Quack quack!"

These mutations become more pronounced...

"Whatever, Unbelievadude. We still cute!"

Hmmm, not so much, gals. Also, notice the pretty flowers are gone. That's because they're not just 'pretty flowers'. They're genetically modified flowers, engineered to attach to you, wreak havoc on your molecular structure and eventually recede into their roots, deep within your brain storage area (aka: head).

Dr. Moreau called. He wants you to come back to the island.

And that's when things start turning truly terrible...

Gyah!

What? No!!

Sweet merciful deity of a given individual's personal theological preference!

Yes. Now maybe you see that Maurice Dancer and his followers, in addition to all the crime they commit, are responsible for nothing less than turning innocent civilians into monsters. And you would know what a real mess that can be if you had ever read the classified file from 1987, the last time someone created a pandemic of monsters that roamed the earth and that we had to stop, but you don't because you haven't read that file because it's classified. So forget I mentioned it.

The Dangerous Dancers Of Maurice: The Plan

 

With regard to Monday's all-points bulletin about Maurice Dancer and his nefarious flowery-frocked gang of musical mayhemers*: No sooner did the word get put out there then the calls came ring-a-ting-tinging into the Unbelieva-Base. 

I was munching on a sandwich, coming 'round the corner into one of our offices where Clark and Jeff were deep in conversation. I heard the phone clack into its cradle ...

"Well, that makes about half a dozen alerts already from the good public, all of them noting Dancer's shenanigans have become a bigger problem than originally thought. Once folks get a pint or two in them they're basically putty to his suggestions. People are throwing their hard-earned cash left and right into his minions charity boxes. They go home, come out of their stupors and realize they don't have enough cash to go grocery shopping. Something has to be done ..."

My ears automatically pricked up.

"'Pints' ... as in beer?" I asked. "Boom, I'm there! Sign me up! I'll go undercover and infiltrate Maurice's gang - concentrating on his right hand woman Mrs. Big - and quash the lot of them chop chop!" I offered.

Jeff stated the obvious: "Well, we know you like beer."

"Duh" I responded.

"You'd have to go deep undercover. You'd have to use one of our most clandestine alter-egos," Clark noted. 

"Hold that thought," I told Clark. I left and came back in 5 minutes with one of my disguises:

Can I cook or can't I?

"That flowery headdress mumbo-jumbo is a cinch to pull off," I told them.

Clark looked at Jeff. "He's good, I'll give him that." Jeff nodded in agreement.

"Your passport is up to date, right?" Jeff asked.

I looked at him sideways. He knew my passport was current.

"Plus ... you'd have to wear pants," Clark pointed out.

"I can suck it up and take one for the team as circumstances dictate," I replied.

Jeff had a few last considerations. "Are you sure you're going to be able to sidle up to Mrs. Big? She doesn't wear make-up, she's got zero fashion fashion sense making her unattractive ... and have you seen the lower lip on that woman?"

Jeff had a point. That's one ugly woman ...

"It's going to be rough ... but that's where the beer will come in handy," I countered. 

"It's settled, then," Clark concluded. "Michael will edge into Maurice's little party and crack'em like an egg. You'll call us when you have something."

"Righty-O," I verified. "It might take me a bit to win their confidences but I'll work out any kinks. Trust me."

Jeff and Clark saw me off at the airport the next day ...

... and that's the last they heard of me for 2 weeks.

"You know ... we haven't heard hide nor hair of Michael for 2 whole weeks," Clark mentioned to Jeff.

"No worries ... we just got a post from him. Let me open it ..."

As Jeff scanned through the photos sent to the guys, he exchanged a worried look with Clark:

I was deep undercover in this candid photo,

working my way seemlessly into the case as shown ...

Yes ... there were "perks" with the case. Obviously.

This might have been me. Or it might not have been.

Hard to tell if it's actually me in disguise ...

Maurice Dancer's throngs are many and varied ...

Jeff stated the obvious: "We might have a problem ..."

*Note: Because of the sensitive nature of this particular case, the events herein actually happened several months ago. Offered in real time, this case may have gone sideways, compromising not only the integrity of the mission but the clandestine nature with which we worked it.

The Dangerous Dancers Of Maurice

ATTENTION! THIS IS AN ALL-POINTS BULLETIN FROM THE UNBELIEVABLES!

Yes, folks, we need your help. It seems there is a large criminal gang threatening the UK and most of Continental Europe, if not other places. The gang is led by this man:

He goes by the name of Maurice Dancer, and he and his gang are fairly easy to spot as they all wear variations on the costume seen in the above picture, although sometimes animal disguises are worn.

As you can see.

His second-in-command is a woman named "Mrs. Big" who schedules all of their heists.

Their costumes are designed by a woman known only as "The Milliner".

Their crime? They roam the countryside on warm sunny days.looking for pubs to gather outside. Once there, they proceed to dance to old folk tunes played badly on archaic instruments and bash sticks together, jingle bells and wave white napkins in the air. For some reason, people seem to like this. They then rattle lifeboat-shaped 'charity' collection boxes under people's noses and the foolish Joe Q. Public proceeds to empty his pockets in the mistaken belief he is contributing to charity. However, it is our belief that they are just keeping the dosh for themselves for their own nefarious purposes. 

So what do they want the money for? Well, mainly to buy personalised engraved pewter tankards for beer-drinking, and of course, beer. But, we believe, they also need money to train more of their ilk and therefore spread their gang far and wide. Much like the Hell's Angels, they also have `chapters` all over. Facebook is littered with them.

Their techniques are pretty questionable, they fail to prove that their income is going to charity, and they use animals to intimidate kids and adults alike.

See how they terrify a young boy with their horse, Dobbin.

This is Idris, their pet dragon  He'll bite yer bum.

So what do you need to do? The answer, dear readers, is to be vigilant, Keep an eye out for these crooks and do not let them talk you into parting with your well earned moolah. Instead, put in a call to us and let us handle it. 

Be Safe Out There

 

 One of our many satisfied Unbelievatravel Tips end users.

Having read our Monday and Wednesday logs, quite a few of you out there have (some possibly valid) concerns:

"I'm supposed to remember all this?!? I want a relaxing vacation! I don't want to check a cheat sheet every 10 minutes to see if I'm vacationing right!"

You don't want to be this guy ... do you? 

"Cripes! It's easier to stay home on one of those so-called 'stay-cations' than follow some of your tips, UnbelievaGuys!"

"By the time I reserve a private jet out of safety concerns, my holiday nestegg is nixed!"

 By the same token, you don't want to be this gal either ...

"Clark's best basic tip regarding travel? 'Don't.' Hey ... I'm right there with him ..."

There are more ... but you get the idea.

Look folks: Just like living your la vida loca, everything mentioned is subject to your interpretation and level of comfortability. Deep down, you're going to do what you want when you venture off on that travel excursion. All we've done is provide you with a few pointers to give your respite a bit of added comfort, whether it be for the sake of fun or security. 

"I followed The Unbelievables' tips to the letter.

And what an enjoyable holiday I had!"

- Harriet Shoalwalker, private citizen and Instagrammer

Rest assured, however, that if you spurn any of the information provided and any of the aforementioned pop up you'll be slapping yourself for not taking our free advice. The Unbelievables are world travelers, you know - we've got more than a few miles beneath our belts! And in today's world it's best to play it safe and sane out there. Amateur hour is the best method of working yourself into some unnecessary dilemma. Really: Who wants that?

Yes ... The Unbelievables often need to go undercover when traveling.

We kind of stand out if we don't.

(Left to right: Jeff, Michael, Clark)

So ... traveling solo or with the whole fam damnly, with close friends or part of an entourage, do travel like The Unbelievables do. Safely. Sanely. 

Seriously: Clark's "take a train" tip is a good one.

This guy did. See how relaxed and carefree he is?

Don't make us come back and say "We told you so ..."