Be Safe Out There

 

 One of our many satisfied Unbelievatravel Tips end users.

Having read our Monday and Wednesday logs, quite a few of you out there have (some possibly valid) concerns:

"I'm supposed to remember all this?!? I want a relaxing vacation! I don't want to check a cheat sheet every 10 minutes to see if I'm vacationing right!"

You don't want to be this guy ... do you? 

"Cripes! It's easier to stay home on one of those so-called 'stay-cations' than follow some of your tips, UnbelievaGuys!"

"By the time I reserve a private jet out of safety concerns, my holiday nestegg is nixed!"

 By the same token, you don't want to be this gal either ...

"Clark's best basic tip regarding travel? 'Don't.' Hey ... I'm right there with him ..."

There are more ... but you get the idea.

Look folks: Just like living your la vida loca, everything mentioned is subject to your interpretation and level of comfortability. Deep down, you're going to do what you want when you venture off on that travel excursion. All we've done is provide you with a few pointers to give your respite a bit of added comfort, whether it be for the sake of fun or security. 

"I followed The Unbelievables' tips to the letter.

And what an enjoyable holiday I had!"

- Harriet Shoalwalker, private citizen and Instagrammer

Rest assured, however, that if you spurn any of the information provided and any of the aforementioned pop up you'll be slapping yourself for not taking our free advice. The Unbelievables are world travelers, you know - we've got more than a few miles beneath our belts! And in today's world it's best to play it safe and sane out there. Amateur hour is the best method of working yourself into some unnecessary dilemma. Really: Who wants that?

Yes ... The Unbelievables often need to go undercover when traveling.

We kind of stand out if we don't.

(Left to right: Jeff, Michael, Clark)

So ... traveling solo or with the whole fam damnly, with close friends or part of an entourage, do travel like The Unbelievables do. Safely. Sanely. 

Seriously: Clark's "take a train" tip is a good one.

This guy did. See how relaxed and carefree he is?

Don't make us come back and say "We told you so ..."

Travellin' Light

Here we are again, folks, to offer guidance from our vast collective bank of Unbelievable experiences about travel. Here to give Conde Nast a run for their money. And today it's my turn. So get ready for

JEFF'S TOP TRAVELIN' TIPS!

1. Let's Insta!
Before we get started, it is vitally important that you take pictures of everything you do on your hols and then post them on Instagram. This will have the effect of either making your holiday destination seem exotic and amazing, or make you seem like a total nob. Or both.

2. Let's pack!
On a serious note, there is one packing tip I can offer that makes complete and total sense - pack light. If you can't fit everything you need into a small suitcase or a rucksack, you're taking too much. Pretty much every hotel will either supply toiletries or be within spittin' distance of a pharmacy and a launderette. Pack your undies and socks in your T-shirts, army roll style. Take enough for three days and then do a wash. Oh, and don't forget to Insta the whole process.


3. Let's Lingo!
Download an app for "Common Phrases" on your phone, then clumsily attempt to use it on the first local you meet. Then become awkwardly self-conscious, ditch the app and say everything loudly and slowly in English anyway. Then feel relief as you learn the locals can all speak fairly decent English.

Pardon?

4. Let's nosh!
Go on TripAdvisor and Yelp to find the best local eateries. Then completely ignore them and go to whichever one you happen upon first. It makes no difference. And then Insta your food so that your friends back home will be jealous.

5. Let's Shop!
Now, I know many of you will not be interested in shopping save for the beachwear stores, but let's say the tourist destination you have chosen is noted for being a shopping mecca. If this is the case, you'll at least have to go through the motions of hitting the shops in case your lame friends back home start to question exactly how style-savvy you are. First, avoid the name-brand stores you can find anywhere and head to the cool, hip local boutiques. Then Insta yourself holding a price tag and caption it "Lolol how much??" or "Daaaammmnn these prices cray-cray!!" and they'll think you've become a style-and-price-conscious fashion maven, and you've only wasted two hours and saved a bundle by not buying anything.

6. Let's Be Security Conscious!
Like us, you know full well that foreign countries are full of unscrupulous characters and shifty types who would sell their own grandma for five bucks given half a chance. So, to be sure of keeping your valuables safe, you should (a) put them in a money belt or fannypack so that you can look even more touristy in public, or (b) just keep your wallet in your pocket and continually do the "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch" dance everywhere you go. Either way, don't forget to put it on Insta.

7. Let's Get Blitzed!
If you want to go bar-hopping, do it in the company of some of your friends. Do not do it in the company of some other tourists you just met. You'll end up drunk, yes, but probably sans clothes and/or wallet. Or you could go to the clubs, where you will realise after about 30 seconds that it is impossible to enjoy yourself when you are trying to chat up a foreign babe and buy a rink in a dark room full of sweaty types while getting your ears bashed by Euro-techno. You will also then realise that you don't even go to the clubs in your hometown, so what the hell are you doing? Nope, best way to get drunk on vacay is to go to the hotel bar during Happy Hour and down a few Cosmos. Oh, and don't forget to put it on Insta.

So there you are, folks. Just a few hard-learned lessons from your man in the know.

Michael will be back on Friday with his take on travel.