Accoutrements Not Needed

Chain Gag was one of our more notorious foes. But that was a long, long time ago.

And, really, he wasn't that much of a foe.

The most notorious thing about him was simply all that sparkling hardware. In the glaring sun, it was difficult to read him. But ... it was easy to see where he was at any point in time. And that was our advantage.

"The Unbelievables claim they're suave and fashion-conscious but your lack of jewelry says otherwise!" Chain Gag boasted once.

Once.

Because as he was yelling this at us, one of his nose rings broke when it caught in one of his bracelets and beads and bangles went flying everywhere.

"My beloved prop!" he yelled out, immediately dropping to his knees to save what he could of trinkets that went rolling every which way. Needless to say it was easy to defeat him while he was on the ground searching for baubles.

Which coincidentally led to another Unbelievable fan letter asking why we didn't wear any sort of jewelry - chains, necklaces, armbands, pins, etc. The response was the (brief) tale about Chain Gag.

I mean, really ... if The Unbelievables looked like this ...

... would we be as loved as we are? Or this?
 

 How about this?

(Much as we love Flavor Flav, Flav's got a style all his own ... but it's not our style.)

Really? All we need is a simple watch and we're good.

The guys will tell you other jewelry no-no's of ours and the reasons we stay far away from them.

Getting Dr. Hardick up and running

 "Needless to say, we immediately hit it off with Dr. Hardick."

Michael is right. On a personal level, which is what's most important when it comes to doctor-patient relationships, we were fast friends. But when it came to resources Dr. Hardick needed to set up his practice, he found the Unbelieva-base... wanting.

MICHAEL: Okay, doc. Here's your office. You're all set. See ya.
DR. HARDICK: Wait a minute. Where is everything?
JEFF: What do you mean? It's all there. Your desk, stocked with pens and notepads. A padded table for us to lay on while you look at our what-not's. There's even an eye chart on the wall.

DR. HARDICK: But what about actual medical supplies?
CLARK: Ohhh, I get it. He wants a nurse. I'm on it. I'll be right back.
MICHAEL: I don't think that's what he...
JEFF: Forget it. He's already in the car (distant sound of squealing tires)
DR. HARDICK: What am I supposed to treat you with when you're injured or sick?
MICHAEL: Injured?
JEFF: He means when we get shot and stuff.
DR. HARDICK: Yes, I'm assuming that's a risk that's fairly prevalent?
MICHAEL: Oh, constantly. We each get shot all the time.
DR. HARDICK: What? How often?
JEFF: Couple times a month, maybe? Sometimes more, sometimes less. It evens out.
MICHAEL: It's no big deal. We only ever get shot in the shoulder. It barely hurts anymore. When it happens, we look at is an opportunity to practice Our Three Gr's.

DR. HARDICK: 'Three Gr's'?
JEFF: Yeah, Grunt, Grumble and Grimace. It's a lot of fun, actually.
MICHAEL: There's nothing like delivering a threatening monologue while wounded and struggling to stand upright.
DR. HARDICK: And how do you treat these wounds??
MICHAEL: Oh, you know we just kind of patch each other up.
DR. HARDICK: 'Patch up'?
JEFF: Yeah, just kind of pat the bullet hole firmly a couple of times with your hand to stop the bleeding, put some tape on it and say something like 'Hang in there, buddy'.
MICHAEL: The bullets just sort of fall out later or we absorb them into our bloodstreams. Whatever.

DR. HARDICK: Dear lord! The fact that the three of you are alive is... unbelievable!
(JEFF and MICHAEL wink and exchange high fives) 

Shortly after that, I returned with Dr. Hardick's new nurse, Edith Softnwet

They immediately went shopping for bandages and creams and pills and stuff and we've all been fine ever since!

Dr. Hardick, Celebrity

Even funnier than our doctor's name was the way we went about picking him:

Randomly. Out of the phone book.

We moved into the Unbelieva-base and immediately found out we needed more than state-of-the-art anti-crime electronics and a hydraulic pop-up bar.

"Guys? I need to go to the doctor. It's way past time for my annual. Plus it's about the only place I can go in public around here and not have to wear pants," I told the guys one day.

"You have a doctor here in Stiletto Flats already?" Clark asked. "That was fast. I didn't realize you'd had the time to scare one up ..."

"I haven't. But I need to. I saw an office downtown the other day. I might as well just pop in there and see what it's like ..."

"Better idea!" shouted Jeff. "Let's do this the old fashioned way: Random phone book drawing!"

Clark and I looked at each other, then back at Jeff. "Brilliant!" we said in unison.

It just so happened there were a couple brand new phone books delivered and waiting for us when we first moved in. (Funny how that happens - the only things in a new place are usually a phone book and a roll of toilet paper, essentials for new owners as they first step into a new home or business.) We decided each of us would take the book, open a random page, plant a finger somewhere on it and circle whatever we came up with. Talk about your tried and true methodologies!

But when we'd written the final three down on a sheet of paper, it wasn't even a contest. Someone exclaimed "Oh, hell yeah!" and that was it. We had our winner: B.J. Hardick.

We reasoned anyone with a name like that had to be upstanding and professional, not to mention ballsy as all get out.

It was even decided all three of us would go in at the same time for physicals.* (Might as well get'em out of the way chop-chop.) Needless to say, we immediately hit it off with Dr. Hardick.

Fast forward to the present day.

Dr. Hardick has gone on to world-wide acclaim as the personal physician of The Unbelievables.

Some of the benefits of his association with us? Television appearances on all the big talk shows, international lectures, book deals with whirlwind signing tours, lucrative endorsements and more. The world is now his oyster.

Just one of the many advantages of being associated with us. You're welcome, Dr. B.J Hardick.

Oh ... and his chuckle-inducing name? It's never come into question since. (Though, some of that fame and fortune did go to his head briefly at one point: He had inklings of wanting to revert back to his given name, I Sawyer-Bitz. Fortunately, we talked him out of that decision which could have been a monumental professional disaster.)

*Side Note: That first meeting is where Jeff got a bit googly over his assisting nurse, Angie O'Gram ... something he "conveniently" failed to mention. But that's another story entirely.

Doctor In The UnbelievaBase

We've told you a lot about our exploits over the years. We've related tales of villains we've dealt with, celebs we know, ladies we've met (Hello, ladies!!!) disguises we've worn, annoying pipe-smoking toddlers we've kicked through plate glass windows, cars we've driven, even records we listen to. One thing we've never discussed, though, is our doctor.

This morning, we got an email from one of our fans with a question we had never been asked before, from Emma Royds of Zolfo Springs, FL:

I love reading about all your exploits and adventures, but you guys sure do get yourselves into some scrapes. You never mention getting any injuries, though - are you super-human or do just have a really good physician?

Your pal, Emma 

Well, Emma, we do like to think that we are pretty resilient but we're definitely not (quite) superhuman. We do get the occasional boo-boo or owie. And when we do, it's the job of this man to fix us up.

This, folks, is our personal physician,  Dr. B.J. Hardick, treating Michael for an ear infection.

Now, I know what you're thinking. That's a made up name, eh? Well, you could not be more wrong. 

Here's his name tag if you want proof.

 It isn't his birth name, though. He changed it from Dr. I. Sawyer-Bitz, so it's an improvement.

He has a nurse who assists him in his daily duties.

Her name is Angie O'Gram, and she's very small. Seen here is Clark with a headache.

Here are a few pics of Dr. Hardick at work.

"Say aaaah." "Why?" "My dog's died."

That's right, Dr. Hardick was also personal physician to The King. Apparently Elvis was so concerned for his health that Dr. Hardick needed four assistants to keep up with his needs.

Not really sure what's going on here. Move along.

"Where's my Ibuprofen?" Clark still has a headache.

Michael and Clark will tell you more medical tales later in the week.

It's About The Kids ... Nothing More

Here's the thing:

When our foes observe something they think is from us, something they believe causes them slight, they immediately go into action to try to counter it.

In this case? Our success with The Li'l Unbelievables.

Honestly, when we put the idea together it was all about the kids. Nothing more.

Clark, Jeff and I simply don't understand how our foes see The Li'l Unbelievables and think we're thumbing our nose at them. Do you see any hint of that? No? Neither do we.

"Oh! Look at The Unbelievables this week! They think they're better than us by catering to children and parents! We'll show them!"

In their eyes, it's all about them. They see it as us stepping on their toes. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Regardless, it's not stopping them from launching faux rhetoric in an attempt to besmirch us. But they can't even get that right.


We're not certain who it is - it might be a collaborative effort from several of our enemies, who knows? - but someone has begun putting out kids' books to make The Li'l Unbelievables look bad. Naturally, these books are failing spectacularly; the public is not fooled.

Here ... let me show you:

This is just wrong. A feeble attempt to not only sully Clark's good name but imply he's other than pleasant to be around. And we all know that's simply not true. (Mostly.)

Wow. Just ... wow. 

Really? Kids are going to believe this? I mean they're kids. Impressionable and innocent, yes ... but who's ever heard of a whipped potato monster?

Known Fact: All kids love whipped potatoes. So ... this? Nothing but a sad, pitiful fabrication.

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin with this one. The implications alone fly far overhead of any child I know.

But here's the real kicker: There's actually small print on the inside cover of this book that states: "In the interest of decency no actual photographs of Michael in any state of undress were used in the creation of this book. Federal, state and local laws prohibit the use of any such photographs siting child pornography concerns."

Unreal.

I had a few tales lined up in light of Clark's mention Monday ...

Parents: Gather your kids and see what happens next when Li'l Jeff and Li'l Michael continue our story of Stylish Tots and the mischief they get into!

... until the above examples started appearing on the shelves of bookstores everywhere.

Worry not though, folks. Character defamation letters have already gone out courtesy of The Law Offices of Poon.

 

Lil' Pals

Hi there, pals! Your best friend Jeff here, from the Lil' Unbelievables. Would you like to meet some of my other buddies?

Here's Clark. He's our wheelman. Can you say 'wheelman'? That's a very long word isn't it?
Here he is, test driving a new motor.
Vroom-vroom!

And here's Michael, testing out a new super-duper crash helmet.
We need helmets sometimes, to keep our heads from going 'splat'.
That's a funny word, isn't it? Splat! Splat!
Michael goes boom! Boom, boom, Michael, you funny boy!

Here's our ballistics expert, Cap'n Jack.
Gosh, that's a big gun, isn't it, boys and girls?
What's that you say, Cap'n Jack? It's not a gun, it's a cannon? Well, then, it's a good job we have you taking care of all our weaponry, isn't it.
We'd be completely hopeless otherwise.
Can you say 'ballistics', boys and girls? That's an awfully big word.

Here are our girlfriends, the Tingaling Triplets.
Susie, Sally and Sandie.
Susie is Clark's gal, Sandie is Michael's main squeeze.
Mine is Sally, the cute one in the middle.
They live on a farm.
Can you say 'main squeeze'? That's a big word, isn't it.
You know what the best thing is about having three girlfriends that live on a farm?
Free tractor rides for life!

Here is our friend Persephone Sesquidalia. She has never had a haircut.
She also has a pronounced stoop. S-T-O-O-P, pronounced 'STOOP'.
Ha ha ha!

Here are me and Michael testing out some new surveillance equipment.
Surveillance. That's a very big word. It means, stuff for snooping around with.
Check out our cool trikes!

We never let crimefighting get in the way of being a kid. Here's us and a couple of our friends, Gus and Squeaky, on a mission during Halloween. You should have seen the candy we got that day!

Speaking of playing dressup, here we are with a few school chums in the school's production of "The Tale of Peter Rabbit". Michael in the centre, me second left, and Clark on the far right.

Here's Henri Petit. He wanted a pony for Christmas, but his parents could only afford a hog.
Silly Henri. Doesn't he look silly? What a little twit.

Here are the Baccy Boys. They are friends with Henri Petit, which of course means they are also a bunch of twits.
That's a good word, isn't it? Let's say it together.
Twits twits twits twits twits.

And here are our adoring fans!
Steady on, girls! We'll get to you all eventually!

Michael will tell you more on Friday.

Bye-bye for now, boys and girls. Bye-bye.

The Unbelievables... For Kids!

We know that children look up to us as role models. We also realize that many of our exploits are not suitable for the wee ones. That's why we're proud to announce:

The Li'l Unbelievables

"These kids are fun! Fun clothes! Fun hair! Fun attitudes!

From the secret files of The Kitsch Story-Telling Lady ... we present ... The Li'l Unbelievables!"

See Jeff.

See Jeff and Michael.

See Jeff, Michael and Clark

See Ulf the Unbelievapuppy

Michael is not wearing a dress.

"Arf! Arf!", says Ulf the Unbelievapuppy

Maybe he is.

If so, that is okay.

But Michael hates wearing pants.

"I hate wearing pants!", says Michael

So it's probably just a long shirt.

Probably.

"Let's have an adventure!", says Jeff

"What a good idea!", says Michael

"I like adventures!", says Clark

"Arf! Arf!", says Ulf the Unbelievapuppy

"We should battle Henri Petit!", says Jeff

"Perfect! We are the same size now!", says Michael

"I want to kick him out of a window!", says Clark

"I like to hear the shattering noise!"

Shatter, glass, shatter

"And see Henri Petit fall to the ground!"

Shatter, Henri Petit, shatter

"Arf! Arf!", says Ulf the Unbelievapuppy

Parents: Gather your kids and see what happens next when Li'l Jeff and Li'l Michael continue our story of Stylish Tots and the mischief they get into! 

Walk Off, Texas Ranger

Remember back when Chuck Norris, the failed Unbelievable wannabe, tried to make a career out of all the stuff he learned from us?

We started out by just trying to ignore him. We figured if we didn't give him any attention he might just go away. But then he started putting all this, this... STUFF out there that was purely designed to annoy us, and make him look good.

Stuff like this...

Kicking the butt of a giant wolf? AS IF!

Then there was the time he started a snow-shoveling service with that other no-hoper Van Damme. LAME!

Then there were the crazy-ass ads for ridiculous products.

That's more of Chuck than I ever wanted to see.

I mean COME ON!

We took a look at these very closely and then came to the conclusion that there was fakery afoot. Chuck had (gasp of horror) been using PHOTOSHOP! 
There are no giant wolves!(Phew!) 

Nobody in their right mind would make Brillo pants! 

Van Damme's too busy in the Colorado Rockies drinking beer-colored ice water to be bothered with snow shoveling! 

Those aren't even Chuck's real legs! etc. 

We decided that Charley No-Mates (aka Chuck) needed to be OUTED. Exposed. 

That's when we called our favourite lawyer Chung S. Poon from The Law Offices Of Poon.

We told him of our discoveries and asked him if we had a case. He scratched his head and said he could see what he could do.

Well, after a while Chuck got flooded with subpoenas and suchlike (I don't really have a head for all that legal mumbo-jumbo, and we don't have to even pretend to understand it - that's why we hired Chung). He had fines to pay, court appearances to make, he had to hire his own lawyers. 

They were no match for the legal genius that is Poon, but they were by no means less expensive. Which meant that in pretty short order, Mr. Norris was spotted on the street by an eagle-eyed member of the gen. pub., who snapped this little pic.

That's when we decided to leave Chuck alone. He'd learned his lesson. You don't mess with the Unbelievables, and you especially don't mess with The Law Offices Of Poon.

So what is Chuck doing now? All we can say is he was last spotted heading for the great outdoors, to find some lonely spot where he can sort his head out.

"I've had enough! I shall become a hermit."

Gary Flurve vs The Unbelievables

The plaintiff

Long ago, one of our harshest critics was a man named Gary Flurve. His complaints were very similar to the simpering whinings - or whining simpers - of "George" (Hmm, Gary? George? Hmm.). 'Who told you you could', 'who do you think', 'how dare you', etc. He was so bent out of shape about it that he sued us! His complaint: We couldn't be The Unbelievables because of the fact that we exist, therefor rendering us quite easily believable. He hired a lawyer and dragged us into court.

Here's how that went...

MARCIA SNAGFOOT (Flurve's attorney): "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please allow me to show you some individuals who are truly unbelievable."

"Ladies and gentlemen, these are fictional characters and therefor inherently unbelievable. Clark, Jeff and Michael, the three gentlemen who refer to themselves as 'The Unbelievables' are sitting right there. Look at them! Totally there, existing in our universe and totally believable. Nothing further!"

What Marcia Snagfoot didn't know was that prior to the trial beginning, our lawyer, the esteemed Chung Poon, had arranged for this little lady to be seated in the gallery:

CHUNG POON: "Your honor, is Ms. Snagfoot really trying to tell all of us here in this courtroom that they shouldn't believe in Santa Claus? All of us? (cocks thumb at little girl seated behind him)"
MARCIA SNAGFOOT: "I object!"
JUDGE: "Ms. Snagfoot, you are a reprehensible creature. A monster! You are hereby held in contempt of innocence and dreams and I sentence you to live all alone on a jungle island infested with tigers. Case dismissed! All hail The Unbelievables!" (Courtroom bursts into spontaneous cheers of joy as a bailiff throws a pie into the face of Gary Flurve)

Now, you may be questioning the character of Chung Poon and his exploitation of an innocent child for the sake of winning a favorable verdict for his clients. Well, you may be surprised to learn that the adorable little girl in the courtroom that day...

 ...was actually the incredibly talented Charlize Theron using her actor talent power to portray a little girl.

See how Poon is a genius?
See how it all circles back to our involvement with celebrities?
See how truly Unbelievable we are?

Unbelievable Legalities

We get letters ...

"Dear Unbelievables:

You know, I've noticed lately you guys get by with a lot of stuff that comes close to crossing lines.

Just-this-side of slanderous celebrity call outs. Lots of tossing people out hotel windows from who knows how many stories up. Product endorsements that seem suspect. Seminars and lessons and what have you you "claim" as your own. Unbelieva-this and Unbelieva-that and Unbelieva-whatever, guaranteed to improve and enlighten and protect and more.

Personally, I don't know how you guys get away with a lot of the things you do.

You must have a killer legal team. I am curious.

Signed, George"

Well, "George," you hit the nail on the head. We have terrific legal representation in the event of any matters that call for such: The Law Offices of Poon and their subsidiaries.

Plus ... they even have roof top parking!

 Our buddy and confidant Chung S. Poon.

Advisor extraordinaire.

 Poon is world wide, too, with some of the best training schools in London.

Margaret Poon is Chung's sister-in-law.

The firms are family affairs.

Now ... more to the points of your letter, your "specifics" ...

Understandably, there are a good number of celebrities (and so call celebrities at that) who need to be called out, I'm certain you'll agree. Getting in the games they do, them being in the public eye is part of the job description. So, really, there's not too much hullabaloo on that front.

Throwing people out of windows? Hey ... it happens.

I can assure you, however, there isn't one person, male of female, we three have given the ole heave ho to who didn't deserve it. Scout's honor. (Besides, no self-respecting villain would run to the authorities or seek legal advice about getting flung from the 10th floor of a luxury suite. They'd be the laughing stock of their profession.)

Product endorsements? Our specialized seminars and trainings? All legitimate.

Of course ... there have been a few situations which necessitated the esteemed George S. Poon and his expertise. And, in the grand scheme of things, they weren't that big a deal. Not in retrospect, at any rate.

I'll let Jeff and Clark detail those items ...