Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Halloween ... Ruined? (part 2)

Before we could even launch an investigation, the perpetrator of this heinous act revealed himself to us (the inflated egos of these self-proclaimed "super villains" being such that they don't have the patience for a proper investigation to play out, which often results in their eventual and inevitable downfall). At the crime scene, a bizarre figure with googly eyes and unfortunate facial hair in farm attire suddenly appeared. "Don't bother with none o' yer fancy full-fledged investigations, Unbelievadorks", he said, repeating what I basically laid out in parentheses two sentences ago, adding a hurtful play on our moniker to it. "I am the one what done it and my name is AppleBob Appleby, the world's first and only frozen vegetables farmer!"
"You mean a farmer who grows vegetables that are later frozen and sold at grocery stores? I have bad news for you; lots of farmers already do that", Jeff said. "Oh!" Michael said. "That's funny; I took it as 'frozen, comma, vegetable farmer'." "Now, would that be an Oxford comma? Because I'm still unclear on the proper usage", I asked. "No", Jeff answered. "The 'Oxford comma' is an optional comma before the word 'and' at the end of a list." "HEY!", AppleBob interrupted. "I ain't no frozen farmer! I got an ice farm, the only one in the world, which allows me to grow the vegetables pre-frozen and pass along the savings to the grocery stores ... but don't worry about none o' that, 'cause I reckon I'm yer worst rural nightmare!! Also, the 'Oxford comma' is superfluous, redundant, and introduces ambiguity. Why, any consarned fool with sense enough to pour water out of a dang boot knows that!"
A nightmare, problem, and dilemma.

"I presume you also grow apples then?", asked Michael. "No. Why would you think that?, AppleBob answered, looking rather confused. "Because your name is ... never mind! Why did you steal all the candy, you fiend?", I asked. "Ain't it obvious? Frozen vegetable sales are way down. So's if there's no candy to hand out fer all the trickin' and treatin', what are folks gonna hand out? Huh? Huh??" We all looked at each other before Jeff said, "you don't honestly think the answer is frozen vegetables, do you?" "Yeah, seriously", Michael said. "That's a huge, illogical leap on your part. There are about a million things that would come after candy and before frozen vegetables as treats." I chimed in with, "I'd rather receive school supplies than a block of cryogenic asparagus." Jeff and Michael nodded in agreement before adding their own suggestions which included coins, socks and personal hygiene items among others. "SHUT UP!", AppleBob yelled. "The candy is gone and I'm gonna be a billionaire 'cause I love money and I hate children! My hench-thugs The Do Gooder Gang will launch a PR campaign, touting the healthy benefits of frozen vegetables...
"Hi parents of kids! We're non-threateningly multi-ethnic and full of good advice!"
... and in the unlikely event that they fail, I got back-up in the form of muscle-for-hire Skip "Scythe" Skynard!
"How do, soon-to-be-ineligible-to-wear-a-hat person?"
So looks like it's your move, Underwearables [note from Clark: we hadn't heard that one before]. What are you gonna do 'bout it?"

Jeff will answer that question for you on Friday!

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