Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Rumor Has It

Our desire to report we've made enough progress to tell you about the "huge huge mega-big really really really top tip top secret case" intimated by Jeff we, unfortunately, haven't quite wrapped up yet does indeed need to be talked about so you'll stop talking about it even though you already are? Well ... it needs to be talked about.

(Geez, you'd think you would have realized that much by now ...)

Please allow me to elaborate ...

With regard to The Polar Vortex: This thing has been around as long as the North and South Poles have existed, people, but we haven't been keeping track because: 1) We hadn't exactly discovered it until we started keeping accurate meteorological records in the mid/late 1800s; and 2) It wasn't really a concern until our arch-enemy Fernando started making a big deal over it. But ... I'm getting ahead of myself ...

First, a little history: With regard to this year's extreme cold, The Polar Vortex ramped up and affected parts of Canada and the United States east of the Rocky Mountains, going so far as to extend into Central Florida and even Northeastern Mexico. It fed an Arctic cold front, which resulted in an abnormally heavy snowfall. Temperatures fell to unprecedented levels due to the front - and consequently low temperature records were broken across the United States - leading to business, school and road closures as well as mass flight cancellations. More than 200 million people were affected from the Rocky Mountains (which was taken advantage of by the Coors Brewing Company, let me tell you) all the way east to the Atlantic Ocean.

And there you have it - your little 2014 colder-than-cold report for the start of the year.

But what does this have to do with the general public's jibber jabber Clark mentioned last post resulting annoyance, in-fighting, discord and, finally, mayhem?

Well, as Clark said: The international criminal Fernando.

No, no, no ...
... not Fernando Pessoa, the poet ...

Fernando, as it turns out (and yes ... he goes by the chique one-name moniker), isn't your cut-and-dried ne'er-do-well. (Nor is he a poet.) This guy is packed with a different sort of stuffing. He'd rather use a discourse of deception than resort to physical altercation. He's best at the turn of phrase, calculated in such a way as to put one on the defensive or cause confusion. Additionally, Fernando loves the use of suggestion to put his evil machinations in motion. Nothing else gives him more of a thrill than seeing people lean toward an idea he's concocted and right in a trap that benefits no one but himself.

The ultra-devious Fernando
(He added a moustache and eyebrow twist
to "give'em something to talk about" ...)

For example: Colors and patterns. Have you ever wondered who, exactly, is responsible for this year's bright yellows, medium oranges and stripes as "the vibrant, alive colors and patterns that will be the smash the summer of 2014" ... ??? Is it the same party responsible for charcoals and earth tones being "the go-to hues for next winter" ... ??? You bet it is. And it's not the fashion industry calling those shots:

It's Fernando.

Think about it: Why in the world would he want to manipulate the fashion industry? To corner the market and instigate a run on an idea in order to slyly coax everybody and his brother on the path toward his devious, manipulative ways. With the ultimate goal, of course, being gads of money. And you know there's money by the truckload when it comes to the fashion industry. When it comes to
hemlines and haute couture, the freaks and weirdos in fashion are willing to be led like lambs to the slaughter for this stuff.

You get the picture? Own that market and you've got money coming in left and right. And that leads to hot chicks at your beck and call ... which leads to men of power and persuasion who see the writing on the wall, ready to do your bidding for a price. A price Fernando is more than capable of paying after he adeptly sways those men and those hot chicks and that market with rumors and more. Ultimately resulting in world-wide mayhem.

It all sounds pretty daunting ... doesn't it? But that's why we have plans set to go. And, come Friday, it's time to reveal those plans, stop the talk talk and affirm action.

And our very own point man, Jeff, will do the honors in showing you just how terrible wall coverings will be the ultimate downfall of Fernando ...

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