If We Had To Do The Same Again, We Would, My Friend

Fernando. Can it really be that this man, this, this... piece of work, is the one behind all the shenanigans related to the Polar Vortex? Yes, indeed it is, as Michael has ably demonstrated on Wednesday.

Fernando's ability to start rumours and turn them into global maelstroms of mood, fashion trends on the Fujita Scale that have style aficionados slobbering like an overweight St. Bernard on the hottest day of the Summer, has been enough over the years to get us scratching our heads in wonder. 

Have you ever walked down a busy street and seen someone wearing something that makes you go "What the...?" Or perhaps you've observed something in a shop window that leaves you agog and confused? That's Fernando's handiwork. 

Maybe you heard a new hit song on the radio and thought to yourself "Whoever buys that claptrap must be out of their tiny mind!" Again, Fernando is exercising his power of influence.

Here's a few examples of the man's skills...

The popularity of roadside pink elephants has not waned over the years, and that's all due to Fernando.

The incomprehensible popularity of girl band Stooshe? His fault.

The fact that girls no longer wear hot pants on a regular basis? Fernando at work again.

So how does the man exercise such worldwide influence on everyone? And to what end?

He has a global network, much like ourselves. Fingers in every pie. People from all walks of life who will do his evil bidding. They willingly go around wearing dumb clothes, creating awful music, introducing terrible products into shop inventories (see below)...

...and people, like sheep, start copying the dumb-clothes-wearers, buying the rubbish music, and buying crap cookies. Not only that, but all he has to do is let his operatives know to start making a big deal about how cold it is in the middle of freakin' winter, for Pete's sake, and next thing you know everyone's carrying on something fierce about how it's the worst winter ever. 

Why he does it is down to one thing: POWER. He gets off on being able to dictate the whims of the world. Plain and simple. It's an addiction. The more he does it, the more he wants to do it. But the man has an Achilles heel - wallcoverings. Yes, wallpaper, paint, friezes and frescoes, he loves them all. So he's the reason Farrow & Ball paints are inexplicably popular and wildly expensive at the same time. The reason people think stuff like this..

is cool, for pity's sake!

Well, I can now divulge that we Unbelievables have a plan to stop him. Oh, and it's so darned sneaky, like a sniper moving into position in Fallujah. We have been able to locate Fernando, and we have invited him out for 'coffee'... only there's no coffee! No, we are gonna hit him with a devastating assault on his weird wallcovering-obsessed senses. First of all, here's where we are taking him for 'coffee'...

Then we are going to ask him to peruse through a book of wallpaper samples...

Like this one...

this one...

this really cool one...

that one...

and lastly, this one, from my Grandma's bathroom.

Then some paint swatches from Super Kem-Tone...

then we'll take him to our favourite bar for 'drinks'...

the interior of which looks like this...

and then round to Clark's Grandma's house for a few late night nibbles in her kitchen...

while listening to the vocal stylings of Kay Martin and her Body Guards...

So what if it's not Christmas?

and then on to a local eaterie for breakfast...

by which time Fernando will have been subjected to such a sensory attack that not only will his opinions have changed for the better, but he'll also swear off the rumour mill. It's an absolutely foolproof plan. So - fingers crossed for the weekend...

"Can you hear the drums, Fernando?"
"No, that's The Unbelievables on the phone. By the way, what's wrong with your finger?"

Ciao!

Rumor Has It

Our desire to report we've made enough progress to tell you about the "huge huge mega-big really really really top tip top secret case" intimated by Jeff we, unfortunately, haven't quite wrapped up yet does indeed need to be talked about so you'll stop talking about it even though you already are? Well ... it needs to be talked about.

(Geez, you'd think you would have realized that much by now ...)

Please allow me to elaborate ...

With regard to The Polar Vortex: This thing has been around as long as the North and South Poles have existed, people, but we haven't been keeping track because: 1) We hadn't exactly discovered it until we started keeping accurate meteorological records in the mid/late 1800s; and 2) It wasn't really a concern until our arch-enemy Fernando started making a big deal over it. But ... I'm getting ahead of myself ...

First, a little history: With regard to this year's extreme cold, The Polar Vortex ramped up and affected parts of Canada and the United States east of the Rocky Mountains, going so far as to extend into Central Florida and even Northeastern Mexico. It fed an Arctic cold front, which resulted in an abnormally heavy snowfall. Temperatures fell to unprecedented levels due to the front - and consequently low temperature records were broken across the United States - leading to business, school and road closures as well as mass flight cancellations. More than 200 million people were affected from the Rocky Mountains (which was taken advantage of by the Coors Brewing Company, let me tell you) all the way east to the Atlantic Ocean.

And there you have it - your little 2014 colder-than-cold report for the start of the year.

But what does this have to do with the general public's jibber jabber Clark mentioned last post resulting annoyance, in-fighting, discord and, finally, mayhem?

Well, as Clark said: The international criminal Fernando.

No, no, no ...

... not Fernando Pessoa, the poet ...

Fernando, as it turns out (and yes ... he goes by the chique one-name moniker), isn't your cut-and-dried ne'er-do-well. (Nor is he a poet.) This guy is packed with a different sort of stuffing. He'd rather use a discourse of deception than resort to physical altercation. He's best at the turn of phrase, calculated in such a way as to put one on the defensive or cause confusion. Additionally, Fernando loves the use of suggestion to put his evil machinations in motion. Nothing else gives him more of a thrill than seeing people lean toward an idea he's concocted and right in a trap that benefits no one but himself.

The ultra-devious Fernando

(He added a moustache and eyebrow twist

to "give'em something to talk about" ...)

For example: Colors and patterns. Have you ever wondered who, exactly, is responsible for this year's bright yellows, medium oranges and stripes as "the vibrant, alive colors and patterns that will be the smash the summer of 2014" ... ??? Is it the same party responsible for charcoals and earth tones being "the go-to hues for next winter" ... ??? You bet it is. And it's not the fashion industry calling those shots:

It's Fernando.

Think about it: Why in the world would he want to manipulate the fashion industry? To corner the market and instigate a run on an idea in order to slyly coax everybody and his brother on the path toward his devious, manipulative ways. With the ultimate goal, of course, being gads of money. And you know there's money by the truckload when it comes to the fashion industry. When it comes to hemlines and haute couture, the freaks and weirdos in fashion are willing to be led like lambs to the slaughter for this stuff.

You get the picture? Own that market and you've got money coming in left and right. And that leads to hot chicks at your beck and call ... which leads to men of power and persuasion who see the writing on the wall, ready to do your bidding for a price. A price Fernando is more than capable of paying after he adeptly sways those men and those hot chicks and that market with rumors and more. Ultimately resulting in world-wide mayhem.

It all sounds pretty daunting ... doesn't it? But that's why we have plans set to go. And, come Friday, it's time to reveal those plans, stop the talk talk and affirm action.

And our very own point man, Jeff, will do the honors in showing you just how terrible wall coverings will be the ultimate downfall of Fernando ...

Let's give you nothing to talk about

The other day (a week ago to the day, actually), Jeff mentioned "a huge huge mega-big really really really top tip top secret case" that we were working on. I'd love to report that we've made enough progress on it to tell you all about it. Unfortunately, while things are progressing, we haven't quite wrapped it up. But we need to tell you about it so you'll stop talking about it because you already are.
Please allow me to explain.
No doubt those of you in the U.S. are all familiar with The Polar Vortex and how it's caused frigid cold conditions across the continent. We were able to determine that it's actually man-made and the nefarious purpose behind it. "Well yeah, to freeze everything, duh", you say. That's a reasonable deduction, although the sarcasm is unnecessary and hurtful. No, the purpose is to make everyone talk about it, which leads to everyone getting annoyed because everyone is talking about it, which leads to people getting on one another's nerves and then in-fighting, discord and mayhem. Of course, we recognized this as the handiwork of this man...

The international criminal known only as Fernando
He loves the destructive power of gossip and how mere words can cause people to destroy each other. Not satisfied with small skirmishes involving a few people saying horrible things about each other, he prefers to author global events that make people talk to each other and the chaos that ensues. As you may have guessed, we've dealt with him before (Michael and Jeff will tell you about some of those cases later this week) and we'll catch him this time. His fatal weakness: terrible wall coverings. There are only a few stores in the world that cater to people with that sickness and we'll undoubtedly track him down at one of them, and things will warm up again.