Monday, January 20, 2014

Let's give you nothing to talk about

The other day (a week ago to the day, actually), Jeff mentioned "a huge huge mega-big really really really top tip top secret case" that we were working on. I'd love to report that we've made enough progress on it to tell you all about it. Unfortunately, while things are progressing, we haven't quite wrapped it up. But we need to tell you about it so you'll stop talking about it because you already are.
Please allow me to explain.
No doubt those of you in the U.S. are all familiar with The Polar Vortex and how it's caused frigid cold conditions across the continent. We were able to determine that it's actually man-made and the nefarious purpose behind it. "Well yeah, to freeze everything, duh", you say. That's a reasonable deduction, although the sarcasm is unnecessary and hurtful. No, the purpose is to make everyone talk about it, which leads to everyone getting annoyed because everyone is talking about it, which leads to people getting on one another's nerves and then in-fighting, discord and mayhem. Of course, we recognized this as the handiwork of this man...
The international criminal known only as Fernando
He loves the destructive power of gossip and how mere words can cause people to destroy each other. Not satisfied with small skirmishes involving a few people saying horrible things about each other, he prefers to author global events that make people talk to each other and the chaos that ensues. As you may have guessed, we've dealt with him before (Michael and Jeff will tell you about some of those cases later this week) and we'll catch him this time. His fatal weakness: terrible wall coverings. There are only a few stores in the world that cater to people with that sickness and we'll undoubtedly track him down at one of them, and things will warm up again.

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