Friday, January 31, 2014

Some people just can not take a hint!

"Thank you for calling the Unbelievabase, this is Clark speaking. Please state your crisis."
"(Squealing) Is this really one of The Unbelievables?"
"Yes ma'am. How can I help you?"
"I need you to come over right away. I have a silky negilgee on and I need help taking it off."
"Are you serious?"
"Oh, I'm totally serious."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Mmmmm. Anything."
"Why on earth did you buy a garment that you didn't know how to put on and take off safely?"
"Well, um, it's sexy. It's so sheer and soft and it..."
"And apparently it's a deathtrap, too."
"Um, yeah. So are you going to come and save me?"
"If it's a serious enough situation for you to call The Unbelievables, there's no time to waste. Let me try to talk you through it. Now, obviously you would have already tried to tear or cut the fabric and that must not have worked so I'm going to assume the problem is with zippers of clasps or whatever you're working with there. So go ahead and get your acetylene cutting torch. You DO have an acetylene cutting torch, don't you?"
"Mmmmm, sounds hot!"
"Of course it's hot. The initial combustion of the acetylene gas heats steel to a molten state. By adding a pressurized stream of oxygen, the cutter ignites the steel to burn through the kerf of your cut. Honestly, it's like you know nothing about lingerie!"
"Oh. Well, I..."
"Now don't forget heavy leather gloves and safety goggles. You're going to need to be VERY careful because nylon and synthetic blends are REALLY flammable."
"Leather? My girlfriend here has some leather boots."
"Wait... you have someone there with you?"
"Um, there are actually four of us here. Four sexy girls and we all have the same problem."
"Four of you and you can't figure this out? Work together like a team! That's what The Unbelievables would do. Come on!"
"Okay, but are you coming over here or not?"
"Listen, I'm trying to be polite here. The situation is that all the crimes are currently solved and we have nothing to do, which is why I'm monitoring the phones. I'm waiting for somebody to call with something interesting and you're keeping me from that."
"Gotta be kidding me!"
"Don't call back."

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