If We Had To Do The Same Again, We Would, My Friend

Fernando. Can it really be that this man, this, this... piece of work, is the one behind all the shenanigans related to the Polar Vortex? Yes, indeed it is, as Michael has ably demonstrated on Wednesday.

Fernando's ability to start rumours and turn them into global maelstroms of mood, fashion trends on the Fujita Scale that have style aficionados slobbering like an overweight St. Bernard on the hottest day of the Summer, has been enough over the years to get us scratching our heads in wonder. 

Have you ever walked down a busy street and seen someone wearing something that makes you go "What the...?" Or perhaps you've observed something in a shop window that leaves you agog and confused? That's Fernando's handiwork. 

Maybe you heard a new hit song on the radio and thought to yourself "Whoever buys that claptrap must be out of their tiny mind!" Again, Fernando is exercising his power of influence.

Here's a few examples of the man's skills...

The popularity of roadside pink elephants has not waned over the years, and that's all due to Fernando.

The incomprehensible popularity of girl band Stooshe? His fault.

The fact that girls no longer wear hot pants on a regular basis? Fernando at work again.

So how does the man exercise such worldwide influence on everyone? And to what end?

He has a global network, much like ourselves. Fingers in every pie. People from all walks of life who will do his evil bidding. They willingly go around wearing dumb clothes, creating awful music, introducing terrible products into shop inventories (see below)...

...and people, like sheep, start copying the dumb-clothes-wearers, buying the rubbish music, and buying crap cookies. Not only that, but all he has to do is let his operatives know to start making a big deal about how cold it is in the middle of freakin' winter, for Pete's sake, and next thing you know everyone's carrying on something fierce about how it's the worst winter ever. 

Why he does it is down to one thing: POWER. He gets off on being able to dictate the whims of the world. Plain and simple. It's an addiction. The more he does it, the more he wants to do it. But the man has an Achilles heel - wallcoverings. Yes, wallpaper, paint, friezes and frescoes, he loves them all. So he's the reason Farrow & Ball paints are inexplicably popular and wildly expensive at the same time. The reason people think stuff like this..

is cool, for pity's sake!

Well, I can now divulge that we Unbelievables have a plan to stop him. Oh, and it's so darned sneaky, like a sniper moving into position in Fallujah. We have been able to locate Fernando, and we have invited him out for 'coffee'... only there's no coffee! No, we are gonna hit him with a devastating assault on his weird wallcovering-obsessed senses. First of all, here's where we are taking him for 'coffee'...

Then we are going to ask him to peruse through a book of wallpaper samples...

Like this one...

this one...

this really cool one...

that one...

and lastly, this one, from my Grandma's bathroom.

Then some paint swatches from Super Kem-Tone...

then we'll take him to our favourite bar for 'drinks'...

the interior of which looks like this...

and then round to Clark's Grandma's house for a few late night nibbles in her kitchen...

while listening to the vocal stylings of Kay Martin and her Body Guards...

So what if it's not Christmas?

and then on to a local eaterie for breakfast...

by which time Fernando will have been subjected to such a sensory attack that not only will his opinions have changed for the better, but he'll also swear off the rumour mill. It's an absolutely foolproof plan. So - fingers crossed for the weekend...

"Can you hear the drums, Fernando?"
"No, that's The Unbelievables on the phone. By the way, what's wrong with your finger?"

Ciao!