Trouser Trouble

You've seen it instance after instance after instance: I rarely wear clothing from the waist down.

Ever wonder why?

No ... it's not because I'm a closet nudist. (Though, there is something to be said for the freedom one maintains in so being.)

The reason is because I used to have a major problem with trousers. Just as Clark and Jeff have confessed theirs, "chino collecting" used to be my personal accounting free-for-all.

I got jacked over jodhpurs. I couldn't say "No!" to corduroy. I died for the denim. And I looked chill in the chaps ... and I knew it.

Slacks simply "did it" for me. And I bought them by the ton. 

I'd plunk down a grand easily for a pair of Earnest Sewn Custom Fits without a second thought ...

Come on: Who wouldn't?

Truth be told, I couldn't purchase just a single pair. Half a dozen was the least amount I could walk out the door without feeling slighted.

In dressier moods, a go-to slack would be my beloved Santorelli "Luxury Serge" Double Pleated Wool Trousers.

Yeah ... these babies make me look  g o o d  ...

And those front wools ... HELLO!
 

Comfort and good looks. Woof ...

I could go on and on and on.

And on.

So ... what's a guy to do?

I'll tell you what a trouser glutton like me did: I went cold turkey. 

"Michael ... you're out of control tops ..." my accountant told me one day. "See what I did there? I tried easing into it by cracking wise ..."

"I'm not amused," I responded.

"Seriously," he straightened and looked sternly at me. "Your slack purchasing mannerisms end TODAY. It's criminal how much you spend on pants, unconscionable. You can't possibly wear that many in any given week. It's left no room for anything you actually need like food, gas, beach volleyball magazine subscriptions. Think man: How will you amount to anything but a one good looking dude in Loro Piana Cashmere without a dime to his name?"

He had a point.

"I'm going to give it to you straight ... and this is in no way meant to be a come on: You'd 'have it going on' even if you didn't wear pants. And you'd have a whole lot more pocket change, too. Just without any pockets to put the change in ..."

I wasn't convinced. 

But he showed me the numbers, he spread the spread sheets before me and proved his point in glaring detail.

Numbers don't lie.

So I made a decision before walking out of his office: I went cold turkey on the trousers. I doffed my drawers, right then and there, and took the plunge so to speak.

"What the hell are you doing?!?" my account cried out, surprised.

"If I'm going to do this, I need to start now," I reasoned.

"Dude ... *yeesh* ... at least keep your underwear on so you don't get arrested for indecent exposure ..." he suggested.

And then? After "adjusting" as it were, I walked out that office in nothing but boxer briefs from the waist down, my trousers left on his office floor.

And I must admit: I'm a better man for it today.

Now ... I'm not the complete fool. I wear slacks when the occasion calls for it. I'm not some weirdo, after all.

But I realized an important lesson that day: I had just as much confidence out of pants as I did in them.
 

After all ...when you fight crime? You have to be confident.

Rumor Has It

Our desire to report we've made enough progress to tell you about the "huge huge mega-big really really really top tip top secret case" intimated by Jeff we, unfortunately, haven't quite wrapped up yet does indeed need to be talked about so you'll stop talking about it even though you already are? Well ... it needs to be talked about.

(Geez, you'd think you would have realized that much by now ...)

Please allow me to elaborate ...

With regard to The Polar Vortex: This thing has been around as long as the North and South Poles have existed, people, but we haven't been keeping track because: 1) We hadn't exactly discovered it until we started keeping accurate meteorological records in the mid/late 1800s; and 2) It wasn't really a concern until our arch-enemy Fernando started making a big deal over it. But ... I'm getting ahead of myself ...

First, a little history: With regard to this year's extreme cold, The Polar Vortex ramped up and affected parts of Canada and the United States east of the Rocky Mountains, going so far as to extend into Central Florida and even Northeastern Mexico. It fed an Arctic cold front, which resulted in an abnormally heavy snowfall. Temperatures fell to unprecedented levels due to the front - and consequently low temperature records were broken across the United States - leading to business, school and road closures as well as mass flight cancellations. More than 200 million people were affected from the Rocky Mountains (which was taken advantage of by the Coors Brewing Company, let me tell you) all the way east to the Atlantic Ocean.

And there you have it - your little 2014 colder-than-cold report for the start of the year.

But what does this have to do with the general public's jibber jabber Clark mentioned last post resulting annoyance, in-fighting, discord and, finally, mayhem?

Well, as Clark said: The international criminal Fernando.

No, no, no ...

... not Fernando Pessoa, the poet ...

Fernando, as it turns out (and yes ... he goes by the chique one-name moniker), isn't your cut-and-dried ne'er-do-well. (Nor is he a poet.) This guy is packed with a different sort of stuffing. He'd rather use a discourse of deception than resort to physical altercation. He's best at the turn of phrase, calculated in such a way as to put one on the defensive or cause confusion. Additionally, Fernando loves the use of suggestion to put his evil machinations in motion. Nothing else gives him more of a thrill than seeing people lean toward an idea he's concocted and right in a trap that benefits no one but himself.

The ultra-devious Fernando

(He added a moustache and eyebrow twist

to "give'em something to talk about" ...)

For example: Colors and patterns. Have you ever wondered who, exactly, is responsible for this year's bright yellows, medium oranges and stripes as "the vibrant, alive colors and patterns that will be the smash the summer of 2014" ... ??? Is it the same party responsible for charcoals and earth tones being "the go-to hues for next winter" ... ??? You bet it is. And it's not the fashion industry calling those shots:

It's Fernando.

Think about it: Why in the world would he want to manipulate the fashion industry? To corner the market and instigate a run on an idea in order to slyly coax everybody and his brother on the path toward his devious, manipulative ways. With the ultimate goal, of course, being gads of money. And you know there's money by the truckload when it comes to the fashion industry. When it comes to hemlines and haute couture, the freaks and weirdos in fashion are willing to be led like lambs to the slaughter for this stuff.

You get the picture? Own that market and you've got money coming in left and right. And that leads to hot chicks at your beck and call ... which leads to men of power and persuasion who see the writing on the wall, ready to do your bidding for a price. A price Fernando is more than capable of paying after he adeptly sways those men and those hot chicks and that market with rumors and more. Ultimately resulting in world-wide mayhem.

It all sounds pretty daunting ... doesn't it? But that's why we have plans set to go. And, come Friday, it's time to reveal those plans, stop the talk talk and affirm action.

And our very own point man, Jeff, will do the honors in showing you just how terrible wall coverings will be the ultimate downfall of Fernando ...