Hey kids, here's a few ways to improve your quality of life. You're welcome, by the way.
1. Mentally prepare your kids for Game Of Thrones by ending every children's book with "and then he died."
2. Make your alcoholism seem more sophisticated by drinking malt liquor from a brandy balloon.
3. Save money on expensive coconut milk by simply adding a shot of Malibu to a glass of semi-skimmed.
4. Make back all the money you've spent on Botox by entering Poker tournaments.
5. Unless you have kidnapped one, nobody cares whether or not you have a child on board.
6. Make your own mylar balloons. Simply drink the entire contents of a wine box, take out the bag and fill with helium. (By the way, this also makes an ideal pillow for when you are too drunk to go to bed).
7. When parking, avoid having your car wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and stowing them safely in the trunk.
8. Keep your buddies on their toes by packing their lunchboxes with playdough and an old alarm clock. (Thanks Clark!)
9. Mums. Attach a strip of banana peel to the bottom of your kids' shoes to enable you to tow them around the supermarket with minimal effort.
So there you have it. I'm sure you'll find those handy hints extremely useful in your daily lives. Now then - as you were. Carry on.