Wednesday, December 2, 2015

They Can't All Be Winners

Of course, not all our inventions are spot on successes, you know.

Let me showcase a few that didn't cut the mustard* ...

"Light Up That Fag" was plagued with all sorts of faulty issues. (The invention moniker being one of them.) Developed for smokers to partake while out in the rain, the little umbrella kept catching fire or blowing over in the wind (attempts to sturdy the pole of the umbrella at the time were met with heavier and heavier materials, thus advancing jaw aches), storage issues when not in use and more glitches I'd rather not go into.

 As well, "Double Your Enjoyment" did nothing but dramatically shorten the life of cigarettes. Additionally, the filtering system used often caused one smoker to inhale the other's exhalations. (*eewwwww*)

"Curly Bed" was a smash hit at first ... until people started stretching in their sleep, falling to the floor and being awakened violently. (Eventually, more than a few emergency room visits were the nail in the coffin for this product.)

The "Kick and Catch" (the at-the-time latest and greatest in innovative exercise and fishing accouterments) kept getting caught in swimmers' bathing gear. And, if you used them sans swim trunks, there was always the possibility other "things" might end up on the business side of a hook, if you know what I mean.

"The Hammerhead"® allowed construction workers to pound nails not only in a single swipe but with 99.6% accuracy. Additional attachments (the "boom and gone" snap on bonus attachment seen in the photo above) allowed for effortless demolition projects. Overall? Pretty nifty. Unfortunatley, severe concussions were an ongoing issue.

"Insta-Bald" gave users the immediate gratification of seeing what they would look like bald. But it was discovered this was a one-use product; once donned, there was no reason to go back for seconds. ("Good grief! I look terrible bald!)

The "Kid Cry Crusher" needed more R&D ...

... and "Shower Hood" users were often subject to too many accidental deaths from asphyxiation.

"Keep My Soup Crackers Crispy, Bub!" was a failure from the start ...

... and "Stick It, Butter!" found itself too popular, resulting in unprecedented high cholesterol rates.

I know what you're saying: "I can hardly wait to see what Clark has for us tomorrow, Unbelievaguys!"


*Whose ideas were these? Was it one single Unbelievable ... or was it a collaboration of Jeff, Clark and myself? Did two of us put our heads together and come up with that first one? With a different gentleman taking the place of another for Butter Stick? I'm not telling ...

No comments:

Post a Comment