Wednesday, December 16, 2015

What's The Points?

Speaking as the most physically strong, athletic and powerful of us three guys, yet the least sport-oriented, I can honestly say that I didn't even think that "fantasy sports" was even a thing until the guys clued me in. In truth, I still don't understand what the attraction is. However, since it is an actual thing that people, regular human beings, participate in and, in our case, actually do play as either me, Michael or Clark (or even Kip), I am willing to not be persnickety and holier-than-thou about it and to just live and let live. In the spirit of the thing, I am going to tell you about some of the points that may be scored by you, the player, were you to play in the guise of Jeff the Unbelievable.

Pose casually on the hood of your motor: 25 points

Bonus points for rockin' a cool bit of knitwear: 150 points
During a car chase, smash into a pile of boxes and assorted garbage: 35 points
If you can also hit a market stall, sending fruit and vegetables everywhere yet miraculously missing any people, 100 points.
If a truck backs out of an alley while you are involved in the car chase, momentarily causing you to swerve wildly, almost lose control  and then catch up to the 'perp': 500 points.
If the truck backs out of the alley while YOU are being chased, causing the 'perp' to swerve wildly and end up in the river: 1000 points.

Face down a bunch of baddies in an abandoned warehouse: 25 points per baddie.
Host a hot tub party: 30 points
Look stylish on the job: 20 points
Left to right: Michael, me, Clark
Rock a pair of flared slacks and a cravat: 15 points
Left to right: Me, Clark, Michael
Have some Unbelievababes over for Cocktail Hour: 23 points. Bonus points for dickie-bows.

Eat a donut out of a brown paper bag for that gritty realism: 10 points

Michael will tell you all about his point rankings etc. on Friday.

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