Thursday, April 3, 2014

Ra Ra Rasputin

We've been busy analyzing Michael's record store findings (and listening to his excellent purchases) and discovered something interesting. With a few tweaks, the lyrics to the song "Rasputin" by 70s disco stompers Boney M make for shocking reading. I present to you the lyrics, accompanied by my line-for-line alterations.


There lived a certain man in Russia long ago 
There was a record store in San Francisco
He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow 
It was big and strong and it had the eyes of Rasputin on the bag which were all glowey and flaming (I know that doesn't fit but you get the gist)
Most people looked at him with terror and with fear
Most other record stores looked at them with fear
But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear
But to record buyers they were pretty neat, y'hear
He could preach the bible like a preacher
They could sell that vinyl like a mofo
Full of ecstacy and fire
... umm...
But he also was the kind of teacher
Women would desire
(That bit is not really relevant...)

Lover of the Russian queen
Lover of the record buying public
There was a cat that really was gone
There was a pretty cool store
Russia's greatest love machine
San Fran's greatest record store
It was a shame how he carried on
They were way better than the others

He ruled the Russian land and never mind the Czar
They ruled the Bay Area , never mind the rest of Cali
But the kasachok he danced really wunderbar
And people danced up and down the aisles in delight
In all affairs of state he was the man to please
7", 12", LP's, 45's, EP's
But he was real great when he had a girl to squeeze
Not forgetting CD's and those superb DVDs
For the queen he was no wheeler dealer
For your cold hard cash they'd do you a great deal, yeah
Though she'd heard the things he'd done
Although you know just what they've done
She believed he was a holy healer
You'll be yelling 'DJ Spin That Wheel, Yeah'
Who would heal her son
You'll have so much fun

But when his drinking and lusting and his hunger
But when their desire to thwart all competitors
for power became known to more and more people,
became known to more and more record collectors,
the demands to do something about this outrageous
the cries of "Help! We're losing money hand over fist!" from the likes of Aron's, Wherehouse and Tower Records 
man became louder and louder.
became louder and louder, and then quieter.

"This man's just got to go!" declared his enemies
"Rasputin's got to be stopped!" declared their enemies
But the ladies begged "Don't you try to do it, please"
But the record buyers said "You've got no chance, sorry!"
No doubt this Rasputin had lots of hidden charms
For they knew of Rasputin's not so hidden charms
Though he was a brute they just fell into his arms
... ummm.... I got nothing for this one, sorry
Then one night some men of higher standing
Set a trap, they're not to blame
"Come to visit us" they kept demanding
And he really came
Nope, can't do anything with those lines

[Spoken:] Oh, those Russians...

Oh, those record salesmen...

Of course a lot of this is open to interpretation but I think you can see that this is fairly damning stuff. Hopefully as the investigation continues, Clark will uncover more about the truth behind Rasputin and their records.

And what gives with this sign?

Now - sing along, everybody!

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