Friday, January 10, 2014

So sorry, George

There's no question that clip of Mr. Takei fencing on his incredibly popular show "Star Wars" didn't help his case with us. We take our swordsmanship VERY seriously. But the real disconnect was his absolute inability to deliver a suitable one-liner after a battle with an enemy. George says graceful and witty things. We are men of action, not words
and flowery, pithy, insightful speeches aren't really appropriate for what we do.
For instance, this is the kind of thing we say after defeating some foul ne'er do well:

"Enjoy your window shopping" - After we've kicked someone through a window

"Cool off" - After we've blasted someone with liquid nitrogen

"There's nothing like fall in New York" - After we've thrown someone off a skyscraper in New York

"So sorry about your explosive diarrhea" - After we've tricked someone into eating dynamite, which only happened once and was instantly regretted

And here's the kind of things George says...

“I’ve sometimes imagined that if sin had a flavor, it might very well be bacon.”

I mean, it's kind of cool but what the hell does it mean? Maybe if you said it after throwing a crooked priest into a pen of man-eating pigs, but how often are you going to get a chance to do that? Otherwise, it's confusing. Naturally, we can't stand around after solving a case contemplating the meaning of enigmatic riddles and being confused and suddenly thinking about how delicious bacon is.

So we sat down with George to break the news the best way we could think of.

GEORGE: So that's it? I'm out?
MICHAEL: Afraid so, buddy. Unfortunately, everybody just isn't cut out for it. Please try not to take it personally.
GEORGE: Oh no, it's really not that big a deal. I have plenty of stuff going on to keep me busy as it is. I just thought this might be fun so I gave it a shot. No hard feelings!
JEFF: Wow, you're taking this remarkably well. Not sure we were prepared for this.
GEORGE: Really, I'm fine. If anything, I feel bad for you guys, taking all this trouble to bring me to dinner on the top floor of this New York skyscraper with a spectacular window view. It's really not necessary. You could have just called me.
CLARK: (Sigh) I'll see if we can get a refund on the liquid nitrogen.
GEORGE: What is that under the bacon? I-is that dynamite?!?

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