Wednesday, January 29, 2014
"Unbelieva-base, Jeff speaking. Or Michael or possibly even Clark. I'm not really at liberty to say. How may we provide you with excellent crime fighting skills and bring the light of righteous justice into your oh so empty and blighted life today?"
"Come on, come on... we're very busy and important, you know."
"Hey, hang on a moment, that isn't a very nice attitude."
"Nice attitude? You're the one calling from an unlisted number. Whaddya want anyway?"
"Well, it's about my neighbour. He told me that a friend of a friend told him that the government has a secret program to install special thought probes into boxes of Kleenex."
"This neighbour of yours... does he seem like a rational, normal person most of the time?"
"I thought so. You've been hoodwinked, sir. Duped. Scammed. Lied to. He told you a big fat fib. Now get off the line, we may have more important calls coming in."
"Thank you! Goodbye!"
"But he also told me that it is estimated that 4 million "junk" telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machine are made every day in the United States, and that turned out to be true, so...."
"Puh-leeze get off the line, sir, or we will come to your house and re-program your speed dials and your VCR. And maybe your microwave too. All for wasting our valuable time."
"Oh yes we would."
"You guys actually do that kind of thing? For real?"
"Yeah. I mean, well, we would, if we really had to."
"So you've never actually done it?"
"No, well, I mean, we've thought about doing it a whole lot. And we could, you know. It's just we're so busy and all with the international major crime fighting stuff that we seldom get any spare time. I mean, you wouldn't believe how much time some of these cases take. Like, even a stakeout can take a couple days on average, and a sting can take weeks to plan. We barely get time to sit in the hot tub with some fine ladies (Hello, ladies!!) any more."
"I mean I shouldn't complain really, I guess I have a glamorous job and lots of showbiz friends and ladies on each arm, but you know, it's just... I dunno, sometimes it all seems so pointless."
"And you know, none of us are getting any younger and sometimes the post-crime fighting massages take a lot longer than they used to, and then there's all the vitamins we have to take, it gets to be such a drag, you know?"
"Works every time...."