Trouser Trouble

You've seen it instance after instance after instance: I rarely wear clothing from the waist down.

Ever wonder why?

No ... it's not because I'm a closet nudist. (Though, there is something to be said for the freedom one maintains in so being.)

The reason is because I used to have a major problem with trousers. Just as Clark and Jeff have confessed theirs, "chino collecting" used to be my personal accounting free-for-all.

I got jacked over jodhpurs. I couldn't say "No!" to corduroy. I died for the denim. And I looked chill in the chaps ... and I knew it.

Slacks simply "did it" for me. And I bought them by the ton. 

I'd plunk down a grand easily for a pair of Earnest Sewn Custom Fits without a second thought ...

Come on: Who wouldn't?

Truth be told, I couldn't purchase just a single pair. Half a dozen was the least amount I could walk out the door without feeling slighted.

In dressier moods, a go-to slack would be my beloved Santorelli "Luxury Serge" Double Pleated Wool Trousers.

Yeah ... these babies make me look  g o o d  ...

And those front wools ... HELLO!
 

Comfort and good looks. Woof ...

I could go on and on and on.

And on.

So ... what's a guy to do?

I'll tell you what a trouser glutton like me did: I went cold turkey. 

"Michael ... you're out of control tops ..." my accountant told me one day. "See what I did there? I tried easing into it by cracking wise ..."

"I'm not amused," I responded.

"Seriously," he straightened and looked sternly at me. "Your slack purchasing mannerisms end TODAY. It's criminal how much you spend on pants, unconscionable. You can't possibly wear that many in any given week. It's left no room for anything you actually need like food, gas, beach volleyball magazine subscriptions. Think man: How will you amount to anything but a one good looking dude in Loro Piana Cashmere without a dime to his name?"

He had a point.

"I'm going to give it to you straight ... and this is in no way meant to be a come on: You'd 'have it going on' even if you didn't wear pants. And you'd have a whole lot more pocket change, too. Just without any pockets to put the change in ..."

I wasn't convinced. 

But he showed me the numbers, he spread the spread sheets before me and proved his point in glaring detail.

Numbers don't lie.

So I made a decision before walking out of his office: I went cold turkey on the trousers. I doffed my drawers, right then and there, and took the plunge so to speak.

"What the hell are you doing?!?" my account cried out, surprised.

"If I'm going to do this, I need to start now," I reasoned.

"Dude ... *yeesh* ... at least keep your underwear on so you don't get arrested for indecent exposure ..." he suggested.

And then? After "adjusting" as it were, I walked out that office in nothing but boxer briefs from the waist down, my trousers left on his office floor.

And I must admit: I'm a better man for it today.

Now ... I'm not the complete fool. I wear slacks when the occasion calls for it. I'm not some weirdo, after all.

But I realized an important lesson that day: I had just as much confidence out of pants as I did in them.
 

After all ...when you fight crime? You have to be confident.

An Account Of My Accounts

If there's one thing I hate more than Tuesdays without whipped potatoes, it's having to deal with personal finances. Paying bills is bo-o-oring! Let the accountant deal with that crap. I can think of nothing more stultifyingly dull than reading a bank statement or a credit card statement. So I talked to my accountant, a half-Cherokee named Dances with Calculator (although he prefers being called Reg), dumped all my bills and receipts at his tepee and asked him to tell me what I could trim from my personal budget. What he came back with was somewhat of an eye-opener.

It seems I am into interior design in a big way. Who knew? I mean, I knew, but I guess I was just in denial. What can I say? I just like good, cool stuff in my living space. Here are some of the excesses Reg pointed out...

My beautiful New York City desk. Handcrafted and accurately detailed. 27 grand well spent, I thought. And useful for if we ever have to plan a sting operation in NYC.

My King Arthur Knights of the Round Table Swing table. For when you have 11 poker buddies over. Or 11 guests for dinner. Or when you have eleven friends dressed in knight's garb and you want to hold a jousting contest. Personally, I think $17k is a steal.

One always needs a decent coffee table, and since I only ever serve the best coffee, this The Abyss table by Duffy London was something I needed! Reg said $24,000 was excessive, but he is a philistine!

And one always needs a comfy place to sit and drink the amazing coffee that's on the hella cool coffee table in front of it. So I needed this KiBiSi Brick sofa. So what if it's $13k, as long as it's comfy?

Sorry, but I don't do boring. Shelves don't have to be straight horizontal things. Tangrams are cool puzzles, so tangram shelves make sense. And they were a good deal at three-and-a half grand.

  

Cocktails are exciting, but they're even more so when your cocktail table does cool tricks with the light. Twelve large is not that much, really.

I hang this Storm Cloud Light over my bed and pretend I'm sleeping outdoors.  It's got a Bluetooth-enabled speaker in it, too, and different coloured lights that can react to the music. Wouldn't you pay $3.5k for this baby?

Reg seems to have it in for me. I like cool stuff in my home, I can afford it, so I don't know why wigwam boy has to wind me up about my home furnishings just because he hasn't got anything but a freakin' tent. Even stuff for my bathroom and garden didn't escape his notice.

A good shower can help you feel really refreshed and ready to face to trials and tribulations of the day, and when you're a butt-kicking crimefighting machine like me, the better the shower, the better the refreshment.  The Raindance Royal 350 AIR Shower Head with its 14-inch spray face can't be beat. And it's a bargain. $1900.

I bought a dozen of these Chill Slings at $180 a pop just in case we ever have nine other people over for a beach BBQ.

And this - well, I admit this was frivolous. But how cool is a Globe Fire Pit? Hand crafted, individually numbered, one quarter inch thick  carbon steel, 36" in diameter... I really wanted it, and I just happened to have $1700 in my wallet...

Long story short, I'm quite happy with my spending habits, but what I really do need is a new accountant who doesn't complain every time I open my checkbook. Reg, you're fired! One new accountant, pronto, please!

You'll do!