Back In The Day with Jeff - Or, Jeff's Evolution of (Crime-Fighting) Style

Being the only Unbelievable born and raised in a different country (the great UK), my early experiences were somewhat different to that of my fellow crime-fighters. But, even at an early age, I had an innate sense that I was somewhat special. It may have been that the toys were different ("Action Man" instead of "GI Joe"), the shoes were different (Clarks instead of Keds), the clothes, the atmosphere... whatever you want to call it, it was clear I had a gift. A calling, if you will. One that I was to share with fellow camp-mate when we were 14-year-olds at Camp Action!, and later to share with Clark as we were fledgling Unbelievables. Even later, to share with the world (and especially the ladies) as we championed the cause of justice and freedom throughout the cosmiverse.

Michael and Clark have already shown you some early snaps of themselves and kinfolk at this tender and impressionable stage of their lives. Now it falls to me to continue the trend and fish out some photos of the young Jeff. Here goes... it could get messy.

Back in the day it was considered OK to put your son in something resembling a dress, sit them on top of the sideboard and see what happens. Clearly I was unfazed by it all and just smiled as if to say, "Ha! I laugh in the face of potential falls and other safety hazards!"

My first major coup - winning the local Bonny Baby contest. Those other guys never stood a chance.

Not only was I extremely fashionable from a young age, my family were too. Here I am pictured with Mum aka The Mole, Sis aka Lefty, Nan aka The Fixer, and family matriarch Gran, otherwise known as "G".

Lefty and I on one of our early undercover assignments as wedding guests in the case of  "Bride and Groom Kaboom".

On the same assignment, "G" passing on some information about some dodgy-looking potato salad.

Lefty and I hosted a masterclass called How To Tell A Real Cake From A Bomb Cake.

As the years passed, it became obvious that I was a stylish gent in the making.

Me with Big L and The Cook (aka Nan and Grandad). I learned a lot about style from these two.

If there is one thing the ladies love, it's a skinny teen in a fishnet t-shirt.

My prized antique linen weskit helps me to blend in with the background seamlessly.

One of the things we Unbelievables are noted for is our mastery of disguise. We all bring different aspects of this skill to the table which enables us to help each other out when selecting the perfect get-up. For my part I am able to use skills that were taught to me by my Grandfather, Big L. Not only was he able to impart knowledge of crimefighting skills...

Here we are selecting the perfect desk accessory to be turned into a weapon in our arsenal of gadgets. The lady in the background was trying to listen in, but before she could blab anything to anyone she developed a severe headache and had to have a couple of ibuprofen and a lie down, after which she forgot all about it.

...he was a true chameleon and claimed to have studied the techniques of actor Lon Chaney in perfecting his craft. For example:

This recently declassified photo shows Big L  in deep cover as Musky LaPointe,  French-Apache fur trader and mountain man.

Here are a few pictures of myself in deep cover...

As Kenny Bonsoir, chubby Rik Mayall and unicorn impersonator, on  The Case Of The Disappearing Chicken Tikka Masala.

In the pillory disguised as a tourist.

With Lefty, disguised as Marco Pontoon, real-estate magnate and fishing buff. This case was called Shape Up Or Ship Out.

You can see here where Big L's influence was rubbing off  on me. This character is called  Keen-Eyes McTraction, sharpshooter extraordinaire. I was undercover at a Wild West theme park, where someone had been stealin' all the popcorn for nefarious purposes.

Rockin' and rollin' as Skins Wolstenholme, ace drummer for Bullfrog and The Toads.  The case was called  Over And (Far) Out.

Blending in seamlessly again with some nice Slovakian ladies (Hello, ladies!)

Again, as an overweight chubby guy in a shop trying on terribly overpriced hats.  The case? Fur Too Expensive.

Glasses can simply change one's appearance beyond recognition, can't they? Yes, believe it or not, this is me.

Here I am as Oberon in our Unbelievable production of The Tempest.

Not in disguise, but learning all about the art of the bow tie with The Mole.

With each passing year I have learned more and more about the things it takes to be an Unbelievable. We, all three of us, have a motto: A day without learning is a day wasted. I can certainly vouch for that: every day brings a new skill or new style tip, each equally valuable. And that, folks, is why I shall remain...

A truly stylish gent.

My Unbelievable trip down Memory Lane

As an orphan, I don't have as many old family photos to share as Michael does. Both my parents were killed in the line of duty as agents of some shadowy organization (I know very little about it other than the fact that every year on my birthday, I would receive a cake from a delivery-person who would later explode) and my formative years were spent at St. Edmund the Martyr's School For Boys Who Will Grow Up To Be Crime Fighting Vigalantes. It was a relatively stark existence, with not a lot of priority placed on the warm and fuzzy. Still, I managed to retain a few things...


There's dear ol' dad as I remember him. "Buy American!", he'd say.



Oh, how mother enjoyed walking in the woods behind our house!

Nothing like taking the boat out to the lake for a weekend of relaxing family fun!

It was Thomas Wolfe who said, "You can't go home again".
I don't know if he was talking about my
house specifically, but either way, he was correct.

Other than that, I only have one childhood photo of Yours Truly...

"Honk, honk!"

This was my very first case, that time I went deep under cover and in disguise as Cincinnati Reds all-star Pete Rose to rescue the kidnapped infant child of Harpo Marx.
Sorry I don't have more to share. I'm sure Jeff will more than make up for that though.

The Unbelievables: The Formative Years

In the beginning ... no, no, no ... I'm not going to go there.

Instead I'll state that, from the start, crime fighting was and always has been, in my blood. (I'd be willing to bet my fellow "U-beebs" Jeff and Clark will confess similarly. You'll hear from both those fashionable gents later in the week.)

During a holiday long ago, I remember Christmastime as a kid: One year I received a pretty rather nifty toy, the like of which I hadn't happened upon previously and have never seen again. It was, from all appearances, a manual Super 8 movie camera, complete with a telescoping lens, tripod-ish extension, various accessories and other accoutrements. But in reality, with the push of a button, it transformed into a kickass sub-machine gun with special short-range bomblet projectiles, a grappling hook and rope and smoke bombs among other things. It led me down the path of my first foray into "crime fighting hood" from my earliest memories. Secret Agent Man was popular at the time, cops and robbers ruled our imaginations and Mission: Impossible was on the airwaves. It was fated.

I was in love with the toy. It was a modern (kid) marvel of intrigue and wonder. Best of all it was secretive ... no one knew it was "a movie camera by day, a weapon of destruction by night."

Of course, you couldn't get away with a plaything like that nowadays ... not with all the rampant political correctness and the ever-vigilant Mothers Against Drunk Driving and Tea Party this and PETA that. Nope. No way. It was a time of taking off in the morning on your bike with your friends and not coming back home 'til dinnertime. Your parents hadn't a clue where you'd been all day and, frankly, didn't really care - so long as you didn't get in any trouble and came back in (relatively speaking) one piece. (Little did they know ...)

Yes ... that faux movie camera was my initiation into the world of espionage and skullduggery. Combine that with the fact I often "helped out" my sister with her Barbie tea parties and you can see where I got my personal fashion sensibilities. 70's fashion mixed with kiddie undercover operations ... and << VOILA! >> you have an Unbelievable in the making.

What? You're of that camp that skeptically calls out "Pictures or it didn't happen" ... ??? No problem. 

Below, you'll find some of the early, formative years of this particular Unbelievable for your dining and dancing pleasure. (And worry not: All photos have been declassified for viewing.)

Even at the youngest of ages,

I was testing top secret disguises for use in future exploits ...

 

Undercover in a 5th grade talent show.

(I'm the acoustic guitarist in the white jeans.)

One of the my earliest spy outfits, one of my earliest solo cases:

"Some Bunny Got Murdered" ...

 

It may look like we're sleeping ... 

... but we're actually deep, deep, deep undercover on a stakeout ...

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. ("Hello, ladies!")

This was a beach operation we dubbed "Shot Blockers" ...

(Note my solid legs, coiffed hair and buff appearance.)

As fledgling junior crime fighters, 

Halloween always afforded opportunity to dress in costume and not alert suspicion.

While testing out new mustache / beard combinations, I'm caught in the act ...

Here I'm cleverly disguised as a Renaissance peasant.
The hair and legs were real ...

Relaxing after a successfully completed case.

(Note reclined and confident position
complete with vintage Kliban cat T-shirt and refreshing beverage in hand.)

 Of course, today there's really no length
we Unbelievables won't go to in order to crack a case.
Mexican wrestling masks and Hawaiian shirt combinations?
Yes ... they're in our fashionable mode wheelhouse.

And I'm certain, just as the above, Clark and Jeff's chapters will thrill you in the coming week. 

Dare I say some of theirs are quite frankly ... Unbelievable ...

 

Owl be darned

The three most powerful sources of motivation when it comes to committing outlandish spectacles of criminal activity are sex, money and revenge. When the perpetrator has plenty of the first two, all that's left is vengeance. That's why nobody should be surprised that the twisted mastermind behind these horrible "bird people" is this guy...

What? Harmless romance novel cover boy and vegetable-oil-fortified-with-synthetic-carotene pitchman Fabio?!? Yes, Fabio.
Before you gasp in shock (Too late? Sorry) consider the following classic villain traits that have been in your face this whole time:

• Long hair
• Indistinctly generic European accent
• Owns an island (presumably)

Kind of obvious, when you look at it. But against whom was Fabio seeking revenge? All of birdkind, basically. Let me draw your memory back to a lovely spring day at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia, back in 1999...



"Laugh now, wench. Vengeance shall be mine!"

From that day forward, Fabio... changed. Many a beautiful young lass was lured by false pretense to enter his secret laboratory (or "Labio"; his description, not ours) only to emerge looking like this...

We couldn't let this stand, so we donned extremely clever disguises...

Check out our sweet abs!


... and without giving away any secrets, we went in and shut the operation down (hint: we beat his ass), which made Owl Girl very happy.
Another case successfully closed by... The Unbelievables! CAW!

The Unbelievables Give A Hoot

 

Bird.

Bird is the word, you know:




Some are mighty as in America's symbol, the proud eagle:

Some are inspiring as in Sesame Street's Big Bird:

Some are menacing like Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds":

There are even some who bring mirth and merriment in the form of public service, as shown below ... one of my cherished shirts from the '70s featuring Woodsy Owl, the "Give A Hoot, Don't Pollute" mascot of do goodery in an age of waste and smog:

And then? Some? Head-shakingly confounding:

We all know: You don't tug on Superman's cape ... you don't spit in the wind ... you don't take the mask off the 'ole Lone Ranger ... and you don't mess around with Jim.

But let's go a little further: Let's add leaving avian DNA to the birds. You can't mess with Mother Nature and not expect things to go tragically sideways! So ... no medical experiments! After all ... we're not visiting the Universal Studios' back lot! We're not vacationing at Frankenstein's European digs! We're not confined to the island of Dr. Moreau! Human / animal experimentation must be nipped in the bud lest The Decline Of Western Civilization come crashing down around our ears! And that includes the sad and sorry state quite evident with June Shannon, better known as Alana ("Honey Boo Boo") Shannon's mother.

McWowZah! Is there need for further evidence as to the crimes being perpetrated againt this poor woman? Because it's obvious there are detrimental side effects, reprehensible character anomolies, health concerns (who knows what the comingling of human and avian DNA is doing to this individual) and probably more, more, more, more, more. Clearly, evil deeds are afoot and being committed with seeming wild abandon.

But ... to what end? And why? Is there cause for alarm? Should the local authorities be alerted? Is it one of the signs of the apocalypse? Does it signal the beginning of the end? Is it a plan of Republicans? PETA infiltrators? The North Koreans? Pod people? Oprah followers ... ?!?? Who is behind these fiendish plans?

Due diligence is required. We need to hunker down, delve in deeply. This isn't one of those "snap of the fingers" cases that is merely a hop, skip and a jump from being solved. It takes guts and determination and venturing into the unknown to find out what we can find.

As Jeff mentioned, we have a plan in force. We'll get to the bottom of it ... and hopefully before any real consequences make themselves known, not the least of which could be the irreparable damage that could quite possibly result to our fine feathered friends ... and to owls in particular.

I haven't heard from Clark in awhile. He'll check in with what he may or may not have discovered as a result of our meeting with Owl Girl.

Me? I'm off to the Unbelieva-Base's research center to aid in cracking this baffling case ...

In Cahoots With Owl Girl

The Owl. 

"All Owls are equipped with special adaptations that make them efficient predators. Keen eyesight allows them to locate quarry even in low light conditions. Sensitive, directional hearing helps locate concealed prey. Some species can even hunt in complete darkness using sound alone to guide them to a successful kill. An Owl's flight is silenced by special wing feathers, that muffle the sound of the air rushing over the surface of the wing. This allows an Owl to hunt by stealth, taking their victims by surprise. It also allows the Owl to listen for prey movements while still flying.

Most species hunt from a perch, such as a low branch, stump or fence post. They will wait for prey to appear, and swoop down with open wings, and their talons stretched forward. Some species will fly or glide a little way from the perch before dropping on the victim. In some cases, the Owl may simply drop on the target, opening their wings at the last moment.

Other species prefer to soar, or make quartering flights, scanning the ground below for a suitable meal. When a target is located, the Owl will fly towards it, keeping its head in line with it until the last moment. This is when the Owl pulls its head back, and thrusts its feet forward with the talons spread wide - two pointing backwards and two forwards.
The force of the impact is usually enough to stun the prey, which is then dispatched with a snap of the beak."

Oh yeah - you don't mess with owls. Which is why one of our partners in fighting worldwide crime is Owl Girl. She is one little birdie you try not to annoy if at all possible.

Ever alert, it's Owl Girl!

Owl Girl tipped us off that people have indeed been messing with owls - or, more precisely, with Owl DNA. Trying to create some sort of owl/human hybrid, with the sinister intent of building an army of Owl People. The evidence is below.

Galling stuff, I trust you'll agree. So how did Owl Girl happen upon this evidence?

Well, her suspicions were first aroused when she settled down one day after a hard day's vigilant crimefighting to watch some TV. Flipping through the channels, she sadly landed on TLC (which used to stand for The Learning Channel, but now we Unbelievables believe the L is for Losers) and an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and was immediately both repulsed and riveted by what she saw. For here was not only the world's most awful child, celebrated far beyond her worth on national TV....

..but her mother was clearly the result of such aforementioned human/owl experimentation.

"Whoo! Whoo!"

Once she did some digging around and realised just what it was she had unearthed, she called the Unbelieva-base and scheduled a sit-down pow-wow. When she arrived, we were immediately disarmed by her outward appearance.

We, of course, were dressed to thrill. 

Hello, ladies!

Owl Girl showed us what she had found, and we were shocked.

"Hoo-hooo!"

We put our heads together and formulated an immediate plan to find the perpetrator behind Owl People, and rid the world of them before things got way too out of hand. Michael and Clark will pick the story up from here, but suffice it to say -  you're welcome, world!