Mail call for fall mail

Is this thing EVER empty??

Most of the sheer mass of mailings we receive can be sorted into a few categories that pop up repeatedly:

• Requests for advice
• Idiotic questions
• Threats (credible)
• Threats (outlandish and impossible)
• Fan mail
• Nudies

Often, these letters qualify to be classified under multiple categories. For instance, most nude shots come from fans. While a naked picture from Henri Petit could be considered threatening.

Don't get any bright ideas, vile curtain climber

Another category that might merit its own slot is seasonal concerns. For some reason, this fall has brought forth a veritable deluge of autumn-centric inquiries. Like this one:

"Dear Unbelievables,Why do you lose your battle every year with whatever super villain that changes time and shortens days? It's great that you come back and defeat him (her? whomever) in the spring, but why not just win that battle when it happens? It's not like you can't prepare for it; it happens every year. Come on guys. Be proactive, not reactive. I'm sick of it. At least tell me what I should do to be able to deal with it. If you don't get a handle on this, I'm going to do something very, very bad. I don't know what or how I will do it, but it will be incredibly tragic!
Sincerely,Frustrated, Really Angry, Unbelievably Disappointed
PS: Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan. Please see the enclosed photo. You're welcome."

Congratulations, F.R.A.U.D. You are the first person to send us a letter that qualifies for every category!

We Get (Autumnal) Letters

It's not often I get irritated by letters. Usually I'm a very patient man, the other guys will be quick to verify. But sometimes the quality of the letters we receive declines sharply.

Here's a couple examples:


Hey Unbelieva-lads, 

Costume parties are a 'thing' this time of year. What's your best advice on home-made costumes? 

Francis Enstein
Acme, LA

What?!  Didn't we cover that topic more than adequately a bunch of times before? Most recently a couple weeks ago? NEXT!

Hey Jeff, 

What are your favourite recipes for a fall party?

Dr. De'Ath

Tucumcari, NM

Oh, do come on. This is old hat, surely.

Dear Jeff,

Any suggestions for cocktail recipes for an autumnal shindig?

D. Racula

Isabel, ND

WELL! Now you're talking. Here's a couple I've found to be winners at previous parties...

PUMPKIN KISS SHOT

Ingredients: 

1 oz. cream

1/2 oz. Pumpkin King Cordial

1 tsp. Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate mix

Method:

Pour the cream into a glass, then layer the Pumpkin King cordial on top. Add the hot chocolate mix and give it all a good stir. Some of the chocolate mix won't dissolve, but that makes for a cool effect with little bursts of chocolate in each sip.

BEST EVER MULLED SCRUMPY

Ingredients
2 litres good-quality traditional hard cider
6 cloves
3-4 star anise
¼ nutmeg , finely grated into the pan
1 cinnamon stick
1 vanilla pod , halved
1 orange , juice of
2 clementines, juice of
1 pomegranate, juice and seeds of
4–5 tablespoons caster sugar

Method

Pour the cider into a large pan on a low heat and let it warm through for a few minutes. Add all the spices and juices and turn the heat up. Once boiling, turn down to a simmer and leave to tick away for 5–8 minutes.
As everything infuses you’ll get delicious layers of flavour. Taste it and add sugar as you like. You don’t want it sweet; you just want the sugar to join the spices in a harmonious taste. When you’re happy with the flavours, ladle into glasses or mugs and serve warm.

Hi Guys, 

How do you like my koala costume?

Wolff Manne

Mashpee, MA

That's it. I'm out.

We Get (Easter) Letters

Yes folks, it's time for another delve into the Unbelieva-mailbag for a quick peruse. The first one is from Terry Towelling from Ireland, WV (little known fact: Ireland, WV is the American home of the sport of Irish Road-Bowling - ed.)who asks:

Dear Unbelievables,

Faith and begorrah, to be sure, I know we have chocolate eggs at Easter, but do they have to be in the flamin' shops so gosh darn early in the year? It seems as soon as Christmas is over they put the eggs in the shops. Why is this and can you fellers do anything to stop it? Oh, bejeesus and begorrah, Darby O'Gill and de Little People, sorr, to be sure. (stop with the Irish stuff - Ed.)

Well, let us answer those questions one at a time.

1. They don't have to be in the shops that early, but the shops would like us to believe that it is necessary, so that they can make more money selling us stuff that's frivolous and unhealthy. I could go into a long diatribe about the fact that we all eat so much unhealthy crap these days because of the post-WW2 end of rationing, but I won't. Fun fact though - one thing that wasn't rationed during WW2 in Britain was fish and chips. 

2. Sadly, Terry, we are not at liberty to stop the perfectly legal, and it is perfectly legal to sell candy at any time of year. Once it becomes restricted, we'll talk. 

Your letter does remind me of a pet peeve of mine, though, and that has to do with the size of chocolate products in general. Back in the day, Easter Eggs were mahoosive.  Remember back in the day when the eggs that are now known as Cadbury's Creme Eggs 

were known as Rowntree Mackintosh's Cream Eggs? 

Remember back when people used to challenge each other to put a whole one in their mouth and eat it? How many trips to the local casualty department could have been avoided if they hadn't tried it?

Not even close.

 But nowadays, now that they cost a helluva lot more, they are no longer a challenge because they're so small.

I believe we should begin a campaign against the shrinking of our choccie bars. Every few months, another couple of grams is shaved off the weight of a candy bar and the price either stays the same or increases. Is it just me? C'mon, world. Join me in this noble quest. 

"Let's Make Our Marathons Great Again!"

Automatic Rejects

Jeff is right. The wannabee crimefighters come out of the woodwork.

And sometimes? You don't even have to read their letters. All you need do is take a quick gander at their provided photos which seem to always accompany the pleas for inclusion to The Unbelievables.

Here, see what I mean* ...

The Human Lobster Rage Fist ...

Stealth Girl ...

Buchart Butthead ...

Inventin' Jim ...

Grandpa Scowl ...

Jim "Stretchy" Pullapart ...

Drop Kick Gal ...

  "Lips" McGinty ...

The Manimal ...

NSFW Sock Monkey Girl ...

Al, Man Of A Thousand Disguises ...

This guy called himself "The Contortionist" ...

You just gotta wonder, right?  Being an Unbelievable is tough work ... especially when you have to slog through the mailbag.

Me? I'm exhausted. I'm taking a break. I have a "date" (*uh-hem*) with Laura Biding-Citizen ...

* All "names" accompanying the above photos are the actual signed signatures of the submitters. No foolin' ...

48 Hours I'll Never Get Back

Honestly, we Unbelievables get a lot of fan mail. A lot of it contains questions. "How come you're such a big hit with the girls?" is a recurring theme. So is "How come you guys are so good at fighting crime and kicking butt and stuff like that?". But just occasionally, we get asked to solve perplexing problems.

However.

This one, from a "Jacob", I dunno. Why Michael assigned it such high priority, I have no idea. All I can think is it must be a "slow crime week". Things have been fairly quiet around here for a few days, that's certain. I've been working on this for last couple days. For what it's worth, here is my report. Try to stay awake if you can.

So, doing a bit of digging around, I found that George Roy Hill, the director of Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, actually wanted the song Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head because he wanted something with a quaint, turn-of-the-century feel to it. Well, that's the official story anyway. But then I turned up something interesting when searching for niblets of info. Turns out Katharine Ross, who played Etta Place and sat on the crossbar of the bike in that scene, had visited the set on the first day of shooting, when the train robbery scenes were being shot. There were 5 cameras but only four operators, so somebody gave her the job of operating the 5th, showing her how to operate it and move it etc. Hill was mightily pissed off at this, and though he said nothing on the day, he banned her from visiting the set except when she was working. 

Katharine Ross herself has weighed in on this one too. She was heard to say that she enjoyed the bicycle scene best, because it was shot by the 2nd unit and Hill was not present. "Any day away from George Roy Hill was a good one." she says.

So it stands to reason that Hill would stamp all over her favourite scene by sticking a completely out-of-place cod-Victorian song over the top and making everyone in the theatre gag. 

But wait! There's more!

Turns out Burt Bacharach had to really work on Hill to put the song in the film, as Hill wasn't convinced that a song with a lyric would work versus an instrumental piece. But after his spat with Miss Ross, he was convinced. Odd, that.

But get this!

Burt didn't want B.J. Thomas to sing it. Various reports say he wanted Bob Dylan, but in truth it was Ray Stevens he was after.

Yes. This guy. Now that IS Unbelievable.

But Stevens didn't want to do it. Which is odd, because Bacharach was on a roll after 20-odd hits with Dionne Warwick and countless covers by Dusty Springfield and the like. Why wouldn't Stevens jump at the chance instead of having novelty hits?

Sadly, my friends, I fear Stevens was in cahoots with George Roy Hill. Not only that, but he hated the song too, and couldn't wait to screw over another singer (B.J. Thomas) and make sure he was only remembered for being the "Raindrops guy".

I tracked Ray down and asked him upfront. Here is an excerpt from our conversation.

Ray: Well, Unbelievables, you figured it out. I hated the song, hated B.J. Thomas and would far rather be remembered for Mississippi Squirrel Revival and The Streak than for that piece of s**t song. Too darn cutesy and sick-making.

Jeff: OK, so how do you explain Everything Is Beautiful? Not to mention Misty?

Ray: Alright, interview's over. Get the hell off my property.

So there you have it, friends. Solved another mystery. You are welcome, world, and Jacob in particular.

Is It An Emergency? One Never Knows ...

You know ... for my money, days like today are what turn my crank. Fall has arrived, you can feel there's a definite turn in the weather and all seems right with the world.

And because of that, right here and right now, I get the opportunity to alter the path of the spotlight that's usually shining down on me (*heheheheheheheh*) and direct it to my two more-than-capable colleagues, Jeff and Clark.

Here's the deal:

I got an emergency message early this morning from a fan of The Unbelievables. Jeff and Clark don't even know about it ... and they won't until they read it here on the site. The message was this:

Dear Unbelievables:

What the hell is the deal with the inclusion of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" in the film Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid ... ??? It must be the most singularly stupid insertion in all of filmdom - it doesn't make sense in the movie and it has no place being in it. I know the film is from the late 60s and it probably doesn't mean squat when it comes to the whys and wherefors of it being inserted in that Newman / Redford vehicle, but, somehow, I feel there's a story to be told there with a hint of evil being afoot.

Can you guys find out what the story is behind this and get back to me by Friday? It just so happens I have a bet with a fellow employee about it. He bet me The Unbelievables couldn't crack this particular case in under a week. I'm betting you can.

Do me proud.

Jacob

I may have something to say about this down the line, but for now I'm leaving the mystery of this B.J. Thomas / Burt Bacharach co-penned easy listener in the hands of my buddies.

Take it away, boys ...

More from the mailbag

Yep, we do indeed get mail, which we read AND answer! Check it out...

Dear Unbelievables,
In which way are you most disappointed that life isn't like cartoons?
Sincerely, 
B. Watterson

Dear B,
Definitely the fact that bullet holes in bad guys' heads don't come out perfectly round and don't always go all the way through.


Dear Unbelievables,
Ultimately, doesn't a word, ANY word, only have as much power as you give it? I mean, come on.
Sincerely,
P. Deen

Dear P,
Yes. You douchenozzle.


Dear Unbelievables,
If you're not guilty, you have nothing to hide. Right?
Sincerely,
K. Alexander

Dear K,
Somehow, I think you already know how we feel about that.


Dear Unbelievables,
I can't decide whether I want to be a DJ or a social media guru. What should be my first step?
Sincerely,
A. Teen

Dear A,
Fill this out


Dear Unbelievables,
What's one thing that doesn't get a lot of attention that makes you such effective crimefighters?
Sincerely,
C. Urious

Dear C,
I'd say it's actually a healthy level of respect for our foes. Not for their values, of course, but for their skills and abilities. It keeps us from underestimating them.


Dear Unbelievables,
I'm so glad you said that, because I have a fiendishly clever riddle for you: What starts out "blue", becomes "slippery when wet" before turning "red all over"? Hmmmm? Engage me in this cunning game of cat-and-mouse, won't you?
Sincerely, 
H. Petit

Dear Henri Petit,
Oh my God, you fat stupid ugly baby. More of your fat, stupid, infantile, made-up nonsense?


Dear Unbelievables,
I'm not a baby and it's not nonsense. It's an incredibly difficult riddle. I worked really hard on it and it involves the safety of a top governemnt official's family, so...
Sincerely,
Henri

Dear Petit,
I'm on my way over there and I'm going to beat you with your own high chair for a half hour and then I'm going to punt you through a plate glass window, you horrible, ugly, horrible child..


Dear Unbelievables,
Just kidding. Please don't come over.
Sincerely,
Henri "for the last time, I'm not a child" Petit

We Get Mail

We, The Unbelievables, get letters. Yes ... we do.

It's not all about crime fighting, ridding the world of evil doers and throwing fabulous entertainment extravaganzas (Hello, Ladies!) ... let me tell you.
 
Sometimes? It's necessary to tussle with some of the more difficult questions the world throws our way. For example ...

Dear Unbelievables,

Who's the person determining the colors that are "in" for the upcoming fall season? And I hear some joker decided one-piece bathing suits will make a splash next summer, not the more flesh-friendly attire? Come on! I'm having a hard time believing this! And just who the hell says stripes are "the thing" and plaids have gone the way of the dinosaur? What crap!

The fashion industry is nothing more than a big steaming pile! Get to the bottom of this, will you?

Thank you in advance, Clara Beau

Important stuff - I'm sure you'd agree. This was our collective response: 

Clara:

You're right. It's crap. And here's why:

There's no one person who says yellow is the new color for the fall season. Truth be told, the left hand of the fashion industry doesn't know what the right hand is doing. It could be as simple as too much yellow fabric left over from last year's fashions and those guys with their noses in the air just want to get rid of all of it.

The result? << BOOM! >> Yellow is in.

It's like wine: "This Pinot Headache-O vintage has strawberry essences and a woody finish." Bull pucky. The same strawberry that tastes like a strawberry to you might have a completely different taste to us. Granted, it will still taste like a strawberry - and we identify it as such - but we're all individuals with individual likes and differentiations.

The bottom line is this: There's not a whole lot we can do about this situation other than refuse to conform to what "they" mandate. Wear whatever it is you like and love yourself for doing so.

It's the best revenge.

Regards

The Unbelievables
Twitter: @StylishGents

And then there was this little gem the guys decided to pass along to me:

And my response ...

Dear Billy:

You need to understand Mom and Dad are paying the bills. They're the ones who keep a roof over your head and food on the table. So right this moment it's their call on where you go to school.

And if that school mandates uniforms? You're kind of SOL. So here's my advice: Conform, Billy, and get used to the fact that until you hit 18 years of age you're up a creek without a paddle.

Good luck.

Your pals, The Unbelievables

P.S. The best revenge will be that one day you, too, will probably have kids. Then you can subject them to the same unfairness your parents foisted on you. It's called "paying it forward." You just need a little patience.