A Hive Of Scum And Villainy part 2

It's true, getting away to San Diego once a year to frolic with the Comic Con folks is pretty much his thang. What he doesn't know is that Jeff and I planned to show up and surprise him there this year. That scheme ran into a couple of snags though.
First, I got to town and talked my way into an extra key to his hotel suite at the impossibly posh San Diego Grand Plaza Terrarium. I changed into a perfect and brilliant disguise and went to his room. However, when I got there, I found a would-be assassin lying in wait. Tsk. As Unbelievables, there's never a time when we're truly safe from ne'er do-wells. Anyway, thanks to the top-notch security system at the San Diego Grand Plaza Terrarium, I'm able to show you exactly how I took care of the situation.
If you think that was wacky, just wait until you hear Jeff's story!

A Hive Of Scum And Villainy

Want to know where one of the world's most dangerous pantheons of deviousness resides? Where hundreds of ne'er-do-wells and schemers who wish to put the "bad" in badness meet up?

Beautiful San Diego, California.

In mid-July at the southern tip of the state smack dab in the middle of "America's Finest City" there's a little shindig known as Comic-Con International which showcases a festival of all things geek in nature.

Originally fueled at its core by the once lowly comic book, Comic-Con has morphed over the years into a spectacle welcoming dork interests, nerd attractants and cosplay weirdos for years. And it's really played up to television and film promotion in the last 10 showings, too. Enough hype to fill your wazoo, enough private parties to choke a horse, enough panels and detailed workshops and art shows to please any passerby. Add it all up and you have a 4-day orgy that brings out the heretofore socially stunted contingent of the world's population in unparalleled numbers.

But ...

Comic-Con isn't just for the geeky fan or casual observer. Oh, no.

Underneath it all is a not-so-secret playground for the criminal element, where bad guys glean ideas for new and innovative monkey business to foist on an unsuspecting public. Where they blueprint their next nefarious plan for world domination. Where they can hobnob and rub elbows with other fiends to network their skills and knowledge. Simply for the benefit of their over-sized delusions of grandeur.

Yep. Comic-Con. Bad people's paradise. 

Let me show you some examples, both brilliant and ... well, not so brilliant of their work:

Some wannabee villains think an unsuspecting public will fall for just about anything ...

Ummmmm ... no.

Clearly an aged and underhanded baddie who just doesn't know when to call it quits.
(As evidenced by her "cleverly disguised" motorized wheelchair.)

 Again: No. (*yeesh*)

Talk about "working it."
Even good guys like me are impressed with this kind of dedication.

Hello, Ladies!

 See what I mean about delusions of grandeur?

 As a bad guy wannabee,
if you think you can get away with putting a burger on your back
and using it as some sort of evil bomb or propulsion unit?
You've got quite a way to go in the R&D Department ...

No question which side of the fence this guy is on ... 

Obvious villains.

I again note the dude with the burger on his back a few photos up: 
It's back to the drawing board, folks.

Yes, it's obvious this woman doesn't have anyone's best interests at heart.
But, she's not the concern.
See the dude in the back giving the "thumbs up" at her?
He's a clear candidate for evil.

Now, while this Smokin' Joe may appear to be a badass,
you have to applaud his honesty.

I'm saddened to report fellow Unbelievables Clark and Jeff weren't able to accompany me on this (not so) little reconnaissance venture. But rest assured they'll weigh in just the same. 

Beware The Double "D" Dames

"I'm sure Michael will let you know about some of our lesser-known evil-doers," Jeff said in Wednesday's post.

Fat chance of that.

Here ... let me show you why: 

"Oh, Jeff! Those are some delectable-looking whipped potatoes you have there! I completely forgot it was Tuesday!"

"I really like a man who poses next to his vintage Corvette! You're sassy and confident in equal measure, Clark!"

"Wow, Michael - I didn't know an ascot could be so attractive!

Do those exclamations sound like the machinations of lesser-known evil doers? Heck no! They're some of the most insidious commonalities we Unbelievables must shoulder day in and day out ... and gladly.

And you'd think, by the innocence of it all, there wouldn't be any underlying or ulterior motives. But let's be realistic: There are always underlying and ulterior motives when you're making small talk ... and especially small talk that comes off as throwaway. It's the most dangerous kind of small talk around.

That being said, there is no one group of Chatty Cathys more dangerous than Dx, D3 and DLish, Better Known as the Double "D" Dames. Their devious, daring and double-talking ways have often perplexed The Unbelievables at every turn, opening doors to chaos and monkey business with every turn of a phrase.

Want proof? 

"Jeff! I just love you!" Dx was caught saying to him at a chance encounter once. "You're so handsome! Much more handsome than Clark or Michael! You've always been my favorite!" 

"Clark! I just adore you!" exclaimed D3 to him during a gathering of the Annual "Spies and Good Guys" convention last year. "You're so handsome! Much more handsome than Michael or Jeff! You've always been my favorite!" 

"Michael! What wavy locks you have!" DLish was heard to say over a PA system while we were at a parade in our honor some time ago in Durham, North Carolina. "You're so handsome! By far you are my favorite Unbelievable! Jeff and Clark don't come close to having what you've got!" 

(You can see by far DLish is the one with the real chutzpah, as proof of her stating the above in clear earshot of Jeff and Clark.) 

Now ... put all this personal attention together and you can see how these web-weaving foxy mamas could inject devious shenanigans into their sugar-coated praises.

Of all the villains out there, all the wily, underhanded ne'er-do-wells wandering about near and far, these three just might be our greatest foes.

Jeff and Clark have documented and categorized more than a few of our lesser foes this week (seriously ... how can you not like Accordion Toting Dude ... ?!?), but the Double "D" Dames are more than a handful, not to be trifled with. 

Tune in next week to find out why ...

Petit: He's Such A Little Shit ...

That damned Henri Petit ...

I hate him with a passion.

He's smug, cynical, self-absorbed and psychotic. Which makes it all the more fun when we foil his plans. Because he wails like the baby that he is when we do so.

Want to know how much of a little shit-head Petit is? His name says it all. Remember Quentin Tarantino's film Inglorious Basterds? Yep ... that's where the moniker came from. Petit liked the way "LaPadite" rolled off Col. Hans Landa's tongue when he said it, especially in French, and the rest is history. (Regardless of the fact the little doink spells his name differently.) All the other names Petit went by - Beauregard, Shale, El Squirto, Big Bad Jim - didn't have "the flare" (his words) that "Petit" has. What a maroon. What a self-centered, snot-nosed twit.

And oh ... the crimes he's committed. Not all of which we've been able to pin him with. Petit is nothing if not sly.

And some of the things he's pulled ... wow. Notorious. Heinous. Utterly villainous. 

Here are some examples:

This is Leslie. Leslie was employed by Petit back in the early 80s and was utilized as Petit's unwitting foil time and again. Petit worked his evil plans so that Leslie took the fall every time, leaving Petit to scurry off into the sunset unscathed. That's the kind of guy Petit is.
 
And the worst of all? You may not realize it from the photo above but Leslie is a guy.

This is Candy. Candy was once an Unbelieva-Babe ... until Petit seduced her with promises that, with a little common sense, you knew couldn't be realized. That didn't stop Petit from trying to infiltrate our base through Candy, though. To be fair, she was a rather new Unbelieva-Babe at the time, still "in training" with us, so she was easily manipulated by Petit's devious machinations. To date, we have no idea where Candy is, how Petit employed her nor, ultimately, what Petit did with her.

Want to see one of Petit's proudest accomplishments? Here you go:

Yep. Oprah. He's been cultivating her for years, subtley working his particular brand of devilishness to fog Oprah's mind more thoroughly than a world famous Chicago dog with everything on it. Need I say anything more?

Lately? We've found the scummy, filthy hand of Petit working pop culture:

Again, yep. Not only did he procure Miley Cyrus to do his bidding, but he got Robin Thicke in on "the party" as well. Pretty damned low of him, don't you think?

Regarding the magazines that have surfaced over the years Jeff mentioned? Personally (and I think I'm in the minority here, but Clark will let you know Friday) I'm of the mind there's no such thing as bad publicity. Petit and his ilk think they're cutting us off at the knees, but, really, each time one of these things shows up on the sales racks in the grocery stores and staring at you when you enter a 7-11 to get a Slurpee they simply let the public know we're on the job. Regardless of the fact I eat ham salad.

These are just some of the reasons Petit is continually at the top of our list of ne'er do wells. You'd think a villain who looks like a baby could be easily nabbed and dealt with ... but nothing could be further from the truth ...

Once Again, There's Potential Evil In Them There Sweets

A lot - and I mean a lot - can happen in just a couple days.

Jeff intimated about more doings with Twinkies and Company and what's come before. I can let you in on a couple "hints" of what's to come. Nothing concrete, but you'll have no doubt big doings are in the works.

Remember Clark's big reveal concerning incendiaries and other things that go boom on those boxes of Suzy Q's, Ho Ho's and Donettes? Well ... that's sort of the same situation here: The Powers That Be over there at the newly reconstructed company are attempting to inject monkey business into the soft cream filling of those sponge cakes once more.

And that's just not going to fly. What's failed before will fail again. The bad guys ... they just don't learn. They think they can just let a bad idea alone until it fades from memory and then << POW! >> they resurrect it for their evil intentions thinking no one will notice.

News Flash: The Unbelievables don't forget.

Wait for it. It's coming.

Meanwhile, I have to go clean up after Jeff. Yesterday was Tuesday ... and you know what that means.

Whipped potato day.

We really need to teach him to tone down the gluttony and utilize a little tuber restraint ...

 Evil. Times two ...

Update: Wait ... what? What happened with The Klumpmasterflash Twins, you squawked about last week Michael?

Things don't always work the way you'd think in The Unbelievables' world. Wrenches get thrown into the machine ... complications arise. All I can say is be patient. All will be revealed ... soon ...

Childhood Memories

Memorieeeees...light the corners of mah mahhhhhhhhnnnnddd...

Oh, hi folks. Jeff here. As Clark so rightly said on Monday, we do have fond memories of childhood. For example, the first time I met Marissa...

Wow. I had forgotten how much she used to look like a goofy Natalie Portman. But she clearly dug my style.

And the first time I met Michael...

Debonair fellow even then.

I remember also the first 'official' photo session.

Double knee denims were our idea, by the way, folks. Essential for when you're hiding in a crouched position for hours on end. Comfort is paramount.

I even remember an early case. We met a pair of beguiling twins, Greta and Gerta Klumpmasterflash.

They looked a lot younger than they actually were. This was Junior High.

Greta and Gerta were sweet and funny and charming, and Michael, Clark and I almost came to blows over who was going to take which one to the sock hop and which one of us fellas was going to end up as the gooseberry.
Sadly, what we did not realise right off the bat was the fact that the Klumpmasterflash Twins were evil. Pure evil. One day, we showed up and there they were, in full 'evil twin' garb.

Bad. Ass.

That didn't stop us from wanting to date them, though. Those gals was purty. But they were up to no good. They had bad news written on them like a Washington Post headline. We hadn't realised that the whole time we'd been chasing them, wooing them and generally being goofy teenage boys about them, they'd been studying our every move, finding out about all our secrets and using this info to gain favor with our early nemesis Henri Petit, that little brat!

Lil' devil.

Well, we are pretty sharp, you know, and Petit isn't, so as soon as he started making cardinal errors such as bragging to us about all the dirt he had on us, we made the connection and ditched the ladies. Actually, what Petit said to us was the childish "I know something you don't know!" which was a stupid thing to say. We knew all the stuff he knew. It was about us! Doyyy!

Nope, when it comes to the ladies, we were better off stickin' with our best gals - like Laura here.

Laura had skills. Laura could LEVITATE.