Owl be darned

The three most powerful sources of motivation when it comes to committing outlandish spectacles of criminal activity are sex, money and revenge. When the perpetrator has plenty of the first two, all that's left is vengeance. That's why nobody should be surprised that the twisted mastermind behind these horrible "bird people" is this guy...

What? Harmless romance novel cover boy and vegetable-oil-fortified-with-synthetic-carotene pitchman Fabio?!? Yes, Fabio.
Before you gasp in shock (Too late? Sorry) consider the following classic villain traits that have been in your face this whole time:

• Long hair
• Indistinctly generic European accent
• Owns an island (presumably)

Kind of obvious, when you look at it. But against whom was Fabio seeking revenge? All of birdkind, basically. Let me draw your memory back to a lovely spring day at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia, back in 1999...



"Laugh now, wench. Vengeance shall be mine!"

From that day forward, Fabio... changed. Many a beautiful young lass was lured by false pretense to enter his secret laboratory (or "Labio"; his description, not ours) only to emerge looking like this...

We couldn't let this stand, so we donned extremely clever disguises...

Check out our sweet abs!


... and without giving away any secrets, we went in and shut the operation down (hint: we beat his ass), which made Owl Girl very happy.
Another case successfully closed by... The Unbelievables! CAW!

The Unbelievables Give A Hoot

 

Bird.

Bird is the word, you know:




Some are mighty as in America's symbol, the proud eagle:

Some are inspiring as in Sesame Street's Big Bird:

Some are menacing like Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds":

There are even some who bring mirth and merriment in the form of public service, as shown below ... one of my cherished shirts from the '70s featuring Woodsy Owl, the "Give A Hoot, Don't Pollute" mascot of do goodery in an age of waste and smog:

And then? Some? Head-shakingly confounding:

We all know: You don't tug on Superman's cape ... you don't spit in the wind ... you don't take the mask off the 'ole Lone Ranger ... and you don't mess around with Jim.

But let's go a little further: Let's add leaving avian DNA to the birds. You can't mess with Mother Nature and not expect things to go tragically sideways! So ... no medical experiments! After all ... we're not visiting the Universal Studios' back lot! We're not vacationing at Frankenstein's European digs! We're not confined to the island of Dr. Moreau! Human / animal experimentation must be nipped in the bud lest The Decline Of Western Civilization come crashing down around our ears! And that includes the sad and sorry state quite evident with June Shannon, better known as Alana ("Honey Boo Boo") Shannon's mother.

McWowZah! Is there need for further evidence as to the crimes being perpetrated againt this poor woman? Because it's obvious there are detrimental side effects, reprehensible character anomolies, health concerns (who knows what the comingling of human and avian DNA is doing to this individual) and probably more, more, more, more, more. Clearly, evil deeds are afoot and being committed with seeming wild abandon.

But ... to what end? And why? Is there cause for alarm? Should the local authorities be alerted? Is it one of the signs of the apocalypse? Does it signal the beginning of the end? Is it a plan of Republicans? PETA infiltrators? The North Koreans? Pod people? Oprah followers ... ?!?? Who is behind these fiendish plans?

Due diligence is required. We need to hunker down, delve in deeply. This isn't one of those "snap of the fingers" cases that is merely a hop, skip and a jump from being solved. It takes guts and determination and venturing into the unknown to find out what we can find.

As Jeff mentioned, we have a plan in force. We'll get to the bottom of it ... and hopefully before any real consequences make themselves known, not the least of which could be the irreparable damage that could quite possibly result to our fine feathered friends ... and to owls in particular.

I haven't heard from Clark in awhile. He'll check in with what he may or may not have discovered as a result of our meeting with Owl Girl.

Me? I'm off to the Unbelieva-Base's research center to aid in cracking this baffling case ...