Where's Michael? Asking because I don't know

You may have noticed that Michael didn't post on Monday. And you may have interpreted that as him being missing. That is both true and not so much.

Photographic proof of evidence that we were in one spot at the same time at some point.

See, Michael and I were working on a top secret case and he snuck into a top secret crime hideout to do some top secret recon. I was supposed to pick him up after... but I forgot where I dropped him off. So he's where he's supposed to be (presumably) but I don't know where that is. Hence, not missing and missing.
If anyone has any ideas where he might be, it might help. Here's what I remember:

• There's a castle, with parapets and everything
• Lots of people
• A serious rodent infestation
• Curiously clean in spite of the rodents
• Hot!
• A whole bunch of presidents
• Dwarfs
• Talking animals that don't talk
• Modes of transportation that Henri Petit would not be eligible to ride

Seems like I should know where this is.

Not That I'm Unconcerned, but...

I was somewhat less than amused when I awoke on Monday morning and discovered the Unbelievabase empty, save for myself, six of the Unbelievababes and a whole batch of whipped potatoes , freshly made in the kitchen. 

That's right. Clark and Michael were nowhere to be found. Gone. Vanished. Disappeared. Not there.

I scratched my head and tried to think if they'd told me of some undercover mission (what am I saying? ALL of our missions are undercover) they were embarking on, some urgent meeting with one or other heads of state (with the boobs that currently run this planet? Unlikely) or just an extended run to the store for some extra tortillas, guacamole and Tampico... but we were fully stocked.

I hunted around for some signs of life, or even a note. Nothing. Not even a religious pamphlet from The Church Of The Eighth-day, Holy-Rolling, Everlasting Gobstopper Freedom-Bus-Drivers of Nutwackett, NV just over in the next town. (Nutwackett, that is - they're a different breed over there. They had a suicide cult once, but once they'd gotten the brand new Nikes on their feet, they decided they didn't want to die. They're now the local basketball squad. They're good players and all, just don't accept any offers of Gatorade.)

But like I said, there was a moment or two of quiet panic and about five minutes of tearing my hair out with worry at what might have become of my two compadres, my amigos, my buddies, my ol' pals Clark and Michael.

And then I had an epiphany. A revelation. Buddhists may even say that I had a satori. (I did, once, and it was delicious, especially when washed down with a couple Mai Tais).

Like I was saying,  I had a satori. A pearl, a rare gem of sparkling wisdom, which was this.

I had the whole Unbelievabase to myself. I was alone with some fresh whipped potatoes and six of the Unbelievababes.

And that, my dear friend, is the point at which I quit worrying.  I'll be OK, and I'm sure my buddies are big enough and ugly enough to take care of themselves...

It would be dumb to do things we can't/won't do

Michael began the week with a post about things we can't/won't do because we're busy or otherwise disinterested. Jeff followed up with a plug for a cookbook. I'm not sure what I should do here so I guess I'll combine the two things: Things We Can't/Won't Cook/Eat.

MEATLOAF

Can eat it, will eat it (because it's delicious and the single reason that ketchup should exist), can't cook it. It's meat, I get that. But how do you get the onions and breadcrumbs in there? Feed that stuff to a cow a long time ago? Then, how do you get it into a loaf shape? Is there a loaf part of the cow?

Let the culinary geniuses figure that out and bless them for their selfless work.

PEAS

Could probably cook them (what is there to that besides heating them?), but won't because I won't eat them. I think they taste terrible. I also find them smug. And why are there always so many of them?

FISH WITH THE HEAD STILL ON

Can cook it (because as far as I can tell, all you do is take the fish out of the water and throw it right into the oven), absolutely will not ever eat it. Is an explanation even necessary? It is? Oh, okay; I'm not a sociopath. I don't enjoy looking at the facial expression of something while I eat it. Same goes for pancakes.

Avert your cold, dead, delicious gaze

BAKED GOODS

Will happily eat, can not cook. Every recipe starts with flour and water, which is how you make glue. Adding eggs and sugar to glue doesn't automatically equal cookies. Unless it does. I don't know.

Can't Cook? Won't Cook?

You probably noticed on Monday that one of the requests Michael was talking about concerned a lady who did not know what to fix her husband for dinner. Believe me, we get more and more silly requests from these unimaginative, non-creative people than you can shake a stick at (by the way, what kind of phrase is that, anyway? I mean, who are these people that just walk around with sticks in their hands, looking for stuff to shake them at? I'll tell ya who - old people, that's who. They're the ones with the monopoly on sticks and stick-shaking. And they're the ones that make up daft phrases like that, too, I'll bet.) and that is why I have taken it upon myself to publish a cookbook for all those thickies  folks out there that might be incompetent a little lacking in the cuisine department.

Yes folks, for the rock-bottom price of only $29.95, you can own this indispensable guide to not making huge mistakes in the kitchen. You can learn:

• the mantra "If you got rice, you got dinner!"
• how to use burnt toast
• get creative with spaghetti hoops
• the other mantra "Canned mushrooms are your friend!"
• what to do with that 4-year-old jar of gherkins

It's true! For only six monthly payments of $10 inc. P&P, you can get your hands on a copy of this life-saving, meal-rescuing and money-stretching book, handsomely bound in filo pastry, full of tips and tricks to ensure you never go hungry again! Lots of your questions answered! For example:

• does yogurt ever really go off?
• does cheese ever really go bad?
• when does the 5-second-rule apply?
• my dog grabbed my steak and dragged it round the garden. Is it salvageable?
• what about blue cheese? Isn't that mouldy already?

And many more!
And the really great thing about this book is, it's made from Triscuits and Weetabix all smushed up together, so even if you try the methods outlined in this book and fail (which is virtually impossible) you can still make a delicious meal by covering this book in cheese and toasting it!

All profits of this book go to a worthy cause, namely, Marissa's Home For Wayward Showgirls. 

And don't forget with every seven copies you order, you get one free! Christmas - sorted.


You're welcome, world.

(Offer not valid in KY, HI or MT. Allow 6 -8 months for delivery. )

Dumbing Down

Let's be reasonable, folks:

We can't do everything you ask. That's the long and the short of it. 

And that goes double when it's stupid stuff.

What do we mean? Here ... let me show you:

Dear Unbelievables:

 
My husband comes home in a couple hours and I don't know what to fix for dinner. Can you come over and whip something up for him?

In Anticipation, Dolores

No, Dolores ... we can't.

Dear Unbelievables:

I'm just too tired to take out the trash this week. They come Tuesday and Saturday. A little help over here would be appreciated.

Thanks! Marjorie

Uhm, nope.

Hey Unbelievables:

Seriously, Mickey D's needs to stay open past midnight. I have huge Big Mac attacks several nights a week. Work your magic and talk to those corporate boys for me. Thanks. 

Ralph

I don't think so.

Unbelieva-Guys:

I have 12 kitty cats. I can't snuggle all of them at once but I bet, with a little help from a couple of you guys, you could satisfy their need for closeness. How about it?

Beverly (purr)

Not in this lifetime, Beverly

Dear Unbelievables:

The sun comes up way too early for me. Is there someone in your vast network of stooges and compatriots who might alter this daily grind?

Chuck

Yes ... but he's busy next week.

See what we mean? Come on, people. You're not schlubbs and we're not at your beck and call for every whim and desire. (And let's face it - some of your whims and desires are questionable at best.) Life is hard, reality isn't always shiny and bright and full of promise and we have lives, too. It's not that we don't care. But ... sometimes? We don't. You've come this far, you can go a little further.


Post Note: You may have noticed Jeff didn't conclude last week's Back To School Top Tips theme. That's because he was busy with Best Man duties at a wedding, a most esteemed position in the grand scheme of wedding chores. There is not better man for the job of Best Man than our pal Jeff. So, you see? We do have things "just as important" as some of your requests. Remember that.

Top Tips: School Safety And Stuff

Now that we've learned (or relearned in some cases) a few of the tried and true classic old mealtime sayings ("You gotta feed your kids dinner! What are you, nuts?" is my favorite. Thanks, Clark!) I thought I'd lend a little wisdom concerning parent toleration.

It's important stuff! Seriously, if you can't master parent toleration you risk going nuts. You don't want to lose the ability to venture out of doors and communicate normally with the outside world, do you? Face the fact you're just going to have to hitch up your jeans and act like a grown up every once in a while, despite the fact your kids will do their best to drive you borderline insane.

So here are a few Top Tips to get you through various 24 hour periods without going off the deep end.

Top Tip: Don't obsess over the hand sanitizer

The best thing you can do is just throw the stuff in the trash. Kids don't need hand sanitizer. They're prone to eating dirt and picking dropped food off the ground and popping it in their mouths anyway, 5 second rule be damned. It's a natural, time-honored right of passage aimed at bolstering your young ones' immune systems. You can't stop Nature, it's just not going to happen. So relax, give the heave ho to those goopy "cleansers on the go." (Look at it this way: If any germs do cause some perverse reaction to your offspring, you have a handy dandy local emergency room nearby. That's why they were created in the first place.)

Don't believe the hype! This isn't going to happen if you don't use hand sanitizer.

Top Tip: Scrapes and minor flesh wounds are going to happen

Again, don't stress. Be prepared. That's why our ancestors created band aid type bandages, for those minor cuts caused from climbing trees and the occasional road rash. It's kind of like that classic old saying: "Quitcher cryin' and put a band aid on it." (Or that other classic saying "Duct tape. Because band aid type bandages don't always staunch the flow of an open vein.")

You're in the top 5% of parents if you keep a role of duct tape handy. Good job!

Top Tip: Safety strap your refrigerator

As the school year progresses, those burgeoning Picassos, portraits of summer vacations and the like will fill the face of your fridge in pretty short order. And, before you know it, your appliance is suddenly in danger of tipping over from the bevy of artwork. So, while it's fresh in your mind - yes, right now, this very moment, while it's fresh in your mind - it's best to stop what you're doing and strap that sucker to the wall, preventing any future danger. You never know when the weight of those cherished drawings could result in an untimely tragedy to Bowzer, Kitty Puss Puss or, God forbid, grandma.

Not a recommended method for strapping down your fridge. Use discretion, folks.

Top Tip: There's nothing wrong with bringing back clothing patches

Little Jimmy takes a tumble from two stories up on the jungle gym. (It happens.) Luckily, his knee broke the fall. But, in the process, said knee of his jeans receives a gaping rip the size of a silver dollar pancake. Not to worry. Do what your grandmother did when your parents were kids: Apply a fashionable patch to the area to prevent further aggravation to the tear.

Lots of fun designs and colors to choose from!

Hey! Don't turn up your nose at patches! They can be fashionable as well as fun! They come in all kinds of sizes and styles for the new generation - emojis, LOLs and WTFs, clever sayings ... even superheroes and musical artists.

What ...  you can't sew? No problem! They're now made with no-iron, aggressive, wash-resistant adhesives! Just peel and stick. Boom! Instant clothes savers! 

Top Tip: Parent conferences and open houses

No one really likes these things, least of all teachers. (They're obligated by contract to tough them out during the year.)

Want to be a hero in their eyes? The day before the meeting or open house, stop by the classroom and slip them a couple of those single shot adult beverages to take the edge off. Imagine the surprise on the teacher's face when a couple miniature bottles of Fireball are slipped in their hands on the sly. You just might receive a "You get me ... you really GET me!" response, setting you up as the hip parent of the semester.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner ... !!!

I know, I know! I can hardly wait for Jeff's contribution Friday! Stay tuned ... !!!

Back to school top tips

By now, all of your school-aged kiddies should be back at the daily grind of readin', ritin' and rhythmajig. If not, it's because you're bad parents and it's not our fault if you've been waiting for us, The Unbelievables, to furnish you with another installment of Top Tips designed for the annual return to scholarly pursuits. At any rate, here they are now so get those wee ones back on the bus already!

I'm going to cover nutrition. The guys will have input on other areas later this week.

START THE DAY WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST - It's kind of like that classic old saying; "Start the day with a good breakfast!" Unless you're grooming your young'uns for a long career as a truck driver or maybe a private detective (both worthy and admirable pursuits), you shouldn't be sending them off into the world on a tummy full of fried eggs, greasy meat and black coffee. Instead feed them a breakfast like the one pictured above.

• Minced green something or other
• A quarter of an orange
• Brown package of whatever
• Three shiny dough columns in a puddle of syrup
• Thimble of fruit juice

LUNCH TIME IS A TIME FOR EATING LUNCH - It's kind of like that classic old saying; "Sit down and eat some lunch because it's lunch time!" Unless you're grooming your whippersnappers for a long career as some drone who toils away in an office doing spreadsheet reports (a somewhat worthy pursuit), you shouldn't be leaving their mid-day refueling to a bunch of things crammed into a brown paper bag. Instead feed them a proper school lunchy lunch.

• Corn
• Minced orange something or other
• Potato nuggets
• Meat nuggets
• As obelisk of low-fat milk

DIN DIN IS AFTER SCHOOL (but still important) - If you think your child-feeding obligations end at lunch, you are sadly mistaken. It's kind of like that classic old saying; "You gotta feed your kids dinner! What are you, nuts?" Unless you're grooming your moppets for a long career as somebody who doesn't eat right, such as a writer or a stand-up comedian or a comedy writer (none of which can be considered worthy pursuits), you should be feeding them a meal when they get home from school. Specifically, creamy tuna casserole.

• Tuna
• Noodles
• Creamy-ness
• Green

Now that we, The Unbelievables, have covered how to nourish your kids, we'll move on to other areas where you need help.

Rockin' It

By far, though, one of the most "interesting" things we did (though, I rather did enjoy the dunk tank Clark mentioned last post) came courtesy of losing a bet. (It was all Jeff's fault for making the bet in the first place and allowing the conditions of said wager result in a "winner's choice" outcome. But that's a tale for another time ...)

Fortunately for us, the bet was contingent upon a one shot deal. But it was weird. We were once fashion models at a local rock and gem show.

And here's the weird thing: The organizers of the show didn't want it known The Unbelievables were the ones doing the modeling. No celebrity publicity whatsoever. They wanted us only for our masters of disguise abilities. (I told you it was weird.)

Take a look ...

Believe it or not, this is Jeff blowing extremely fine gold dust from his hand. 

Yeah ... we didn't get it either ...

 They made me dress up as a little girl rock hound ...

 Clark made a rather "smashing" run-of-the-mill female geologist.

(So they said.)

Legend has it someone called "Amethyst Girl" is a real showstopper.

Here's Jeff as that icon ...

This? Was one of the interactive photo booths.

(Jeff is on the left, Clark on the right. I played the rock.)

There was lots of hand modeling just like this. Go figure. 

For some reason this was a popular scene at the event ...

... and The Organizational Powers That Be highly encouraged these types of close ups

as fans walked up and down the aisles ... 

Yes. This is Clark. In this get up. (You can totally tell it's him.)

I don't remember if this was Jeff, if it was Clark or if it was me.
Bottom line? Great disguise!

By the time the shindig closed its doors

(6 hours of ultra boring geological mumbo jumbo talk)

I was ready to kill one of its directors. (Almost got away with it, too.)

In the end we survived. The show producers were pleased, noting we were a hit. (How? We still don't have a clue.) They even asked us back. We politely declined, pointing out the terms of our bet had been met to the letter.

At least for this type of rock show, we're done.

What's it gonna take to get you into this Unbelievable car?

Not so much anymore, just because we're busy with our actual jobs, but we used to do appearances at car dealerships.

"Come on down to Harrison Ford for our annual Labor Day Inventory Blowout Sale! Bring the kids! Have a hot dog! Meet The Unbelievables!" 

That kind of thing. We didn't have to actually sell the cars. The idea was that our presence would draw people to the lot and that they might be interested in purchasing a vehicle while they were there. We were just supposed to shake hands, pose for pictures and sign autographs. But being the "get involved" kind of guys that we are, we often would do more than what was requested of us.

As it turns out, Jeff actually has a knack for salesmanship. He looked forward to these things, not only for the chance to use his "gift", but also to wear some of the blazers normally stored in the back of his wardrobe.

Michael's disdain for wearing pants made him a natural and eager participant in the dunk tank. Most dealerships didn't want the extra expense of changing the water in those tanks, so Michael was often the only participant.

As for me, my contribution to these outings was the invention of the item that got us out of having to do them...

Renting inflatable Tube Unbelievables is far less expensive than hiring actual Unbelievables, so win-win!

What's In A (Baby) Name?

Y'know, it's difficult being Unbelievables sometimes. As major celebrities we often get asked to do things that are not in our job descriptions purely because of our level of famosity (famousness? famadociousicleness?). We've had to cut ribbons, open supermarkets and health centers, launch ships, etc., the list goes on.

Well, long story short, we have on occasion been asked by new parents to come up with names for their babies, and while this may have seemed fun to begin with, we named three that suddenly saw the baby-naming business dry up for us. Here is photographic evidence of the three names in question.

Don't blame it on the sunshine, moonlight, good times or boogie. Blame it on us listening to many repeat plays of Beats International's "Blame It On The Bassline".

Sorry, folks, but he really was (and still is) a handsome little guy.

Anything less than the best is a Felonie. Truth be told, we were kinda fed up with the whole baby-naming biz at this point, so we thought this was an appropriate name for a kid whose parents had been behind bars several times before. Her parents didn't mind, but the school truant officer sure did.

So there we are. We gave up after that. Parents should be the ones to name their wee ones, after all. 

More weird things we've been asked to do on Wednesday! Ciao!

The Girl Scout Cookie Caper, Part Three and Conclusion

"What's with these start-up villains just popping up and announcing their presence via mail? Maybe we should start staking out post offices", I offered through a mouthful of cookie carnage.
Jeff and Michael shrugged their shoulders.
"Well, this guy is off on the wrong foot if he assumes that just because he sent us all these cookies that we're going to sit around eat them all", I said as I opened yet another sleeve of Thin Mints.
"Regardless", Michael replied. "We should start by figuring out who this 'Turgider' is."
I shot up in my seat and exclaimed, "Wait a minute! Turgider? Traditional spelling?"
Jeff said, "Presumably, yes."
"You guys, Turgider backward is Red Igurt!"
Jeff and Michael looked at each other then responded in unison, "Red Igurt? That doesn't make any sense."
"Exactly. Nothing about this case makes any sense", I said and sat down, self-satisfied.
Jeff said, "Okay. Great. Thanks for the contribution" with an unnecessarily aggressive eye-roll.

We went about working on the case which involved high-speed car chases, fist fights, explosions etc., none of which we have time to talk about due to the space wasted on the verbal exchange above.

Eventually, we found out Baron J. Turgider was indeed trying to put the Girl Scouts out of business. Why? To benefit his baked goods-makin' baby mama, none other than...

LITTLE DEBBIE!

We let both of them off with a warning (seemed fair since they did give* us all those cookies) to stop trying to destroy cherished institutions dedicated to developing young people and never involve us in any Jerry Springer-esque family matters. We would go on to cross paths with Little Debbie again later in spite of this.

* Jeff pointed out that we actually had to pay for all those cookies.