Monday, October 31, 2016

We're doing the best we can... and that's pretty great!

Here's a letter we got recently...

Dear Unbelievables,
Boy, have you guys been asleep at the wheel in 2016! So many celebrities have passed away that it's impossible to list them all and you guys didn't save any of them! Why is whoever is paying you goofs to do what you do paying you goofs to not do what you're supposed to do?!?
Deeply Disappointed in you Ding Dongs

Okay, calm down.
First of all, our primary purpose in life is not protecting celebrities, and certainly not all of the celebrities.
Secondly, a sad fact of life is people die. Granted, it's a depressing fact that so many beloved public figures have passed in such a short period of time but it's not like there's a global plot to assassinate them (there's isn't, and if there was we'd know about it and we wouldn't share that with you). It's just one big, weird, grim coincidence.
Thirdly, who says we haven't saved any celebrities? You're only thinking of those that are no longer with us. What about those that still are? Such as...

This is the obvious one, the lowest hanging fruit on the "How are they still alive?" tree. Every year (not just this one), people remark how it must be a miracle that half of the Glimmer Twins has yet to Break On Through To The Other Side (I know that's not a Rollings Stones song and I don't care). All I can say about that is "no, it isn't" and "you're welcome".

 "Oh, come on, Unbelievables!!", you're saying. "He's relatively young and clearly a fitness and exercise fanatic. There's no challenge in keeping someone like him alive." You wouldn't say that if you knew about his frequent participation in underground naked jousting tournaments.

What?!? Why is this here?? Typo. Misfiled. Error. Classified. Forget you saw this. You didn't see it. Plausible deniability. move along, please. Nothing to see here.

Forget how many people she's angered. If you think it's easy to keep someone who thinks chicken-fried butter with ranch dressing gravy is a vegetable from seizing up a couple of times a day, I'd like to see you give it a try.

You people keep killing him (on Wikipedia and other web sites) and we keep not letting it happen in real life.

Of course, there are more. Many more. Find out who some of them are later this week!

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