Monday, October 10, 2016

Unbelievably therapeutic therapy

Long-time or short-time or brand-new or recently-deceased readers may have noticed some recurring themes:
  • Michael loves not wearing pants
  • Jeff loves whipped potatoes
  • I am a defenestration devotee
As such, it's entirely possible that someone could get the idea that The Unbelievables demonstrate the traits of people who might have addictive personalities.
Well, that someone is correct. But we manage it! Not only that, we use it to our advantage. 
Laser-like focus!

Now, we would love to be able to take full credit for doing that ourselves, but the truth is we have benefited from having the remarkable therapist Dr. Quinton Quitit on retainer.
Dr. Quinton Quitit
You can tell if someone is a good doctor by how much they're able to accomplish with their eyes closed.
Dr. Quitit is the brilliant mind behind the innovative and somewhat controversial S.T.A.T.E. (Stop That Already, That's Enough) method of treating addiction.
Each of us, from time to time, on an as-needed basis, have "checked in" with Dr. Quentin at his facility in Bedrest, New Hampshire.
Idyllic setting. Food's not bad either.

For example, I once found myself hiring Henri Petit lookalikes for the sole purpose of kicking them out of windows. 
Some of them didn't even resemble Petit that much at all, if I'm being honest, which I am because that's part of the healing

Jeff and Michael brought that to my attention and I went to see Dr, Quitit. Here's a transcript from that visit:
QQ: Hello Clark. It's nice to see you. I'm told you are here because of a bit too much window kicking, yes?
ME: You know it, doc. What can I say. The sound of shattering glass caused by a human body going through it is like music to me.
QQ: As it is to us all, Clark.
ME: Really? It's not just me?
QQ: Of course! Everyone loves hurling people through glass. Why, it's as natural as eating, sleeping and making love.
ME: Whew! That's a relief!
QQ: The key is moderation. If you do much of anything, it is bad. Very, very bad! Too much eating? Bad. Too much sleeping? Bad. Too much with the making of the love... well, maybe not as bad. Ha ha! I am kidding.
ME: Ha ha! I recognize that as a sex joke. I like that!
QQ: Thank you. But my point is that it's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, which very few people realize is a true story; you have to find the "just right" fit between too much and not enough.
ME: But how, Doc? How??
QQ: You'll see soon enough. Now let's get you fitted for some electric nipple clamps and a pair of goggles.
Afterward, I couldn't see or wear a shirt for a week, but I also didn't kick too many people out of windows either. So, you know, that was pretty good.

Later this week, my cohorts will regale you with tales of their own regarding their interactions with the incredible Dr. Quitit.

(Seeking help for mental health issues is not a laughing matter, unless it's a made-up [fake] story about yourself and involves electroshocking your nipples. Then it can be kind of amusing. But if you or somebody you know actually needs assistance with a real-life situation, this is a good place to start:

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