Friday, September 4, 2015

Jade East and her band of L.O.S.E.R.s

The simple fact of the matter is that any time Michael becomes enamored with a woman, it's automatically a good idea to check her out, so check Jade East out I did.

She was ambitious, no doubt. As Jeff mentioned, she escalated the level of her larcenous endeavors rather quickly. It came as no surprise that her plans were even bigger than we suspected initially.

It turns out that she was the head of an organization she founded, an international crime cabal bent on nothing less than controlling the whole world. How could one group possibly pull off such an ambitious plot? By being such profoundly over-the-top and cartoonish cultural caricatures that their actions would actually be ignored by the populace and simply not taken seriously until it was too late.

That's right, Jade East, object of Michael's infatuation, was the mastermind behind the...

Legion of Offensive Stereotypes, Evil and Racist 

Other criminal members included:
Frenchy McGee - Was originally supposed to represent the Irish but prefers wine to whiskey.

Der Lederhoser - Careful; that is not beer and he will throw it at you.

The Colonel - Blustery. Southern. Drunk.

Nigel and Ian Greatbritain - This picture was taken in London. Last Tuesday.

Putting a stop to this whole thing was actually pretty easy. All we had to do was point out that all the members weren't actually racist stereotypes, being as all of them, including Jade, are white people.
FRENCHY: Well, now ziz whole zing seems, 'ow you say, silly?
NIGEL and IAN: (simultaneously) Oh, knock it off, you ridiculous ponce.
THE COLONEL: The Unbelievables are right. I feel like a fool. I mean, I'm from Brooklyn!
They all walked sadly out of the room and returned to their normal lives. That included Jade herself, who went back to being Talulah Mae Periwinkle and wearing pants in Lithopolis, Ohio, where she took a job at the public library. She enjoys teaching senior citizens how to use the internet and looks like this now...
And Michael doesn't return her calls.

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