Spazzin' Out

So we three Unbelievables figured we were up to the challenge of sorting out the three hellions from the VW commercial. Phil was assigned to Michael, Clark got Chunk and me, I got lumbered with Spazz.

Spazz seems to be missing a chromosome or perhaps his mother dropped him on his head when only a baby. Either way, there's sump'n about this peculiar character that's a tad NQR. (Not Quite Right.)

Whatever his problem, it causes him to leave a trail of destruction wherever he goes. Sometimes he's completely unaware of the fact that he is leaving broken toys and burning toasters in his wake. Other times he laps it up, like in the commercial pictured above.

I went to see the kid, and the first thing I noticed was a large puddle of maple syrup on the floor. Spazz was calmly sitting at the table, eating pancakes.

"What happened here?" quoth I.

"I dunno," the little one-man wrecking crew replied, flobbing chunks of pancake as he spoke. "it just sorta happened."

"So what's with the burned-out cereal box then?" I asked, gesturing towards the pile of black ash still smoldering at the other end of the table.

"Oh, well, you know how parents always tell you not to play with matches? I just wanted to find out why. Trouble is, my glasses mess with my depth perception."

It occurred to me that there was very little anyone could do for Spazz, so what I did was to give the little twit a special Unbelieva-Safety-Backpack.

Contained within this pack is everything that he could possibly need. First Aid Kit, baby wipes, defibrillator, whistle, screwdriver, penknife, fire extinguisher, Tide stain remover, thing for getting stones out of horses' hooves, you name it, it's in there. There's also a big sign on the outside to warn passers-by of the dangers of being near Spazz, and also to use the contents of his pack should a calamity occur (and you know it will). 

Bottom line, Spazz is just a walking disaster area, sometimes accidental, sometimes deliberate, and the best anyone can do around him is to take appropriate action when the inevitable occurs. So it makes sense to supply the kid with useful items in a handy hi-vis pack that anyone can use.

It's either that, or lock the kid in the attic and pretend he ran away to join the circus. Say, the circus... I wonder if they'd want him...? Let's Google it...