Jade East and her band of L.O.S.E.R.s

The simple fact of the matter is that any time Michael becomes enamored with a woman, it's automatically a good idea to check her out, so check Jade East out I did.

She was ambitious, no doubt. As Jeff mentioned, she escalated the level of her larcenous endeavors rather quickly. It came as no surprise that her plans were even bigger than we suspected initially.

It turns out that she was the head of an organization she founded, an international crime cabal bent on nothing less than controlling the whole world. How could one group possibly pull off such an ambitious plot? By being such profoundly over-the-top and cartoonish cultural caricatures that their actions would actually be ignored by the populace and simply not taken seriously until it was too late.

That's right, Jade East, object of Michael's infatuation, was the mastermind behind the...

Legion of Offensive Stereotypes, Evil and Racist 

Other criminal members included:

Frenchy McGee - Was originally supposed to represent the Irish but prefers wine to whiskey.

Der Lederhoser - Careful; that is not beer and he will throw it at you.

The Colonel - Blustery. Southern. Drunk.

Nigel and Ian Greatbritain - This picture was taken in London. Last Tuesday.

Putting a stop to this whole thing was actually pretty easy. All we had to do was point out that all the members weren't actually racist stereotypes, being as all of them, including Jade, are white people.

FRENCHY: Well, now ziz whole zing seems, 'ow you say, silly?
NIGEL and IAN: (simultaneously) Oh, knock it off, you ridiculous ponce.
THE COLONEL: The Unbelievables are right. I feel like a fool. I mean, I'm from Brooklyn!
DER LEDERHOSER: I'm Jewish!

They all walked sadly out of the room and returned to their normal lives. That included Jade herself, who went back to being Talulah Mae Periwinkle and wearing pants in Lithopolis, Ohio, where she took a job at the public library. She enjoys teaching senior citizens how to use the internet and looks like this now...

And Michael doesn't return her calls.

Jaded

Yep, smitten. Smoted.

It was if I was stripped of all normalcy (Quiet up there in the peanut gallery, you!) and my usual suave demeanor replaced with puppy-like qualities, good only for following along in Jade's shadow, tail-waggingly happy and contented.

I was smitten, all right.

And I had no clue why. I don't have any bent toward either the Orient or Asian culture, I'm not particularly keen on Japanese cuisine. And, truth be told, Jade's dress wasn't really all that short.

But ... there was a certain allure to the woman that caught my eye. It's rumored 'round the Unbelieva-Base when I fall hard I don't leave any room for doubt. In other words: Head first, heels pointed to the sky.

Over the course of a few winter months, Jade and I had a grand time. We frequented her rundown ski resort and whiled away the time frolicking on the slopes in the afternoons (curious in that skiing is not anywhere on my list of activities I enjoy, that's how smitten I was) and cuddling up for cocktails come the 4 o'clock hour. I gladly helped her out with a lot of the necessary paperwork while she was procuring and selling off her resort -- it was harmless enough. The transaction was on the up and up, nothing nefarious or underhanded about it. Jade had found a willing, able and capable vehicle to further promote her eventual criminal intents, unbeknownst to me of course. After all, that puppy love attitude was easily fostered and controlled. (A weakness I've since defeated.)

Behind the scenes, however, Jade was steadily working her charms in other manners as Jeff detailed Monday. I knew nothing of her other "ventures" not the least of which was the pogo stick kleptomania she kept on the down low. Oh ... I caught a little looksy here and there of them hidden away in a closet or out in a box in the garage, but I didn't ask any questions and wrote it off as one of those little quirks of character people tend to have. I figured the lovely Jade just had a thing for pogo sticks.

And, therein, was her undoing. It was almost my undoing, me being so taken with this master criminal I had no idea was a master criminal.

It was Clark who figured out her scheme (pogo stick tainted as it was) and ended up saving my hide. And that's why it's not me who will detail the final reveal of this tale but Clark, with his good guy acumen and obvious armor which protects him from women with sultry, pseudo-Eastern wiles ...

Eastern Promise

One of our most interesting foes was a young lady from the Orient named Jade East. That wasn't her real name, of course. After a bit of digging we found out that she was born Talulah Mae Periwinkle, from Lithopolis, OH. She adopted the Jade East persona after she'd made a bunch of money off of a chain of 99 cent stores and decided to go into the perfume biz. Jade East, her first attempt, was a success and the ad for the product starred Talulah herself. She loved the pseudo-Japanese look that the makeup artist gave her and also the pantsless look (more about that later). So she dropped Talulah, dropped her trousers and became Jade. A legendary criminal was born.

She started small. Petty larceny, carjacking, and a peculiar penchant for stealing pogo sticks. Fairly soon, she'd moved on to money laundering, drug dealing, and pogo-stick-factory-stealing. She managed to build up quite an empire by the time we crossed swords with her. 

We first got wind of her nefarious activities from a couple of our celebrity moles onto whom she'd managed to offload a run-down ski resort. Luckily they were able to make a ton of cash by renting it out as a location for episodes of detective shows based in ski resorts, and occasional album cover photo shoots.

So anyway, we tracked her down, and as soon as Michael saw her trouser-free mode of dress, he recognised a kindred spirit and was smitten. Oy. It's always Michael, isn't it?

I think this is a good point in the story to let Michael take over, so he'll fill you in on Wednesday. Perhaps he can tell you all about her fascination with pogo sticks too. Till then...


Ciao!