Camp Unbelievable is, well ... unbelievable. (Tell me you didn't see that coming.)
Schlubs come to us barely able to tie their own shoelaces and we send'em back to their folks productive members of a household. That's a big win-win in our book!
But let's take a bit closer look at things. The way Clark presented some of the activities in Monday's post garnered a few cards and letters of concern from some of you who we're about to sign on the dotted line, ready to send your Dicks and Janes our way next year.
Fair enough ... I can see that. So here's what I'll do: I'll elaborate to calm any fears or misgivings you might have.
We'll take the activities previously mentioned one at a time in the order they were presented: rope holding, two friend adventures, mastery of weapons, satellite repair, man stacking, Plutonium stacking, human battering ram and how to properly tie a bow tie. I'm certain, after you're provided with a more detailed explanation on the events, your hesitations will be swept away.
Seriously, where's the confusion? Your kid is going to need to learn how to hold a rope tons during their young, formative years. Who better to teach them than The Unbelievables? Consider it the "101 Course" prior to moving forward to mastery of weapons. You've got to learn to walk before you can run, you know. Are we good? Good. Let's move along then ...
Two Friend Adventures
You saw Lord Of The Flies, right? It's along those lines ... sort of. A "too many cooks in the kitchen will ruin the dish" sort of thing, if you get my meaning. Herd mentality and the like. You don't want that happening, do you? You want your kid to have fun, not be a lemming. Groups of four or more simply aren't conducive to a good camp experience. (But ... that's a tale for another time.)
Look, here's a perfect example: The Unbelievables are a trio and we work like a well-oiled machine. See what I mean? Besides, there's that "someone might actually die" thing to contend with and you don't really want that, right? I didn't think so. That's precisely why we keep the groups in manageable triads. Let's make your child's experience the best we can provide ... that's all we're saying ...
Mastery Of Weapons
An Unbelievable specialty! The kids are in confident, safe and sane hands when these lessons come about ... provided they competently pass rope holding (above). And no kid has ever failed rope holding in the history of Camp Unbelievable. Well ... one kid did. But that was a long time ago ... and we've perfected our methods in the interim. Besides, the family of that kid was handsomely compensated. And they didn't really miss him anyway. Again: win-win.
(Side Note: Kids LOVE the Lobster Rage Fist!)
Just what it says. It's kind of like algebra: "When am I ever going to need algebra in my lifetime?"
And then ... << BOOM >>
One day? There you are, using it and remembering you learned it back in the day. And guess what? It came in handy after all. Satellite repair is exactly the same thing. Trust us - it's useful stuff.
Do you recall "packing efficiency" during high school chemistry? Man stacking is along those same lines. Except, you know, with human beings. We're teaching nothing but life lessons and fundamentals here, folks ... and your kid will be all the more adept, ready and able if he learns this stuff now.
Now, granted, it sounds dangerous ... but it really isn't. It's not like we're working with weapons-grade Plutonium, y'unnerstan' ...
Human Battering Ram
I know, I know ... there are a lot of parents out there who preach no physical rough housing and no spanking and "use your words instead of your fists" and all that.
But you never know when your kid will find him/herself in a situation that: a) needs defusing and quickly; or, b) requires the well-being of their own person where only the teachings of human battering ram will come in handy. Don't worry - we have all the appropriate equipment for safe, hands-on instruction.
How To Properly Tie A Bow Tie
Etiquette, folks. Nothing wrong with good manners, just as important as anything listed above. (We are fashionable gents, remember.)
Rest easy, parents. Feel calm and confident as you put junior's name down for next year's Camp Unbelievable. (Which, incidentally, will be bigger and better than this year's!)
Oh ... and folks? You're welcome.