Monday, August 31, 2015

Eastern Promise

One of our most interesting foes was a young lady from the Orient named Jade East. That wasn't her real name, of course. After a bit of digging we found out that she was born Talulah Mae Periwinkle, from Lithopolis, OH. She adopted the Jade East persona after she'd made a bunch of money off of a chain of 99 cent stores and decided to go into the perfume biz. Jade East, her first attempt, was a success and the ad for the product starred Talulah herself. She loved the pseudo-Japanese look that the makeup artist gave her and also the pantsless look (more about that later). So she dropped Talulah, dropped her trousers and became Jade. A legendary criminal was born.

She started small. Petty larceny, carjacking, and a peculiar penchant for stealing pogo sticks. Fairly soon, she'd moved on to money laundering, drug dealing, and pogo-stick-factory-stealing. She managed to build up quite an empire by the time we crossed swords with her. 

We first got wind of her nefarious activities from a couple of our celebrity moles onto whom she'd managed to offload a run-down ski resort. Luckily they were able to make a ton of cash by renting it out as a location for episodes of detective shows based in ski resorts, and occasional album cover photo shoots.

So anyway, we tracked her down, and as soon as Michael saw her trouser-free mode of dress, he recognised a kindred spirit and was smitten. Oy. It's always Michael, isn't it?

I think this is a good point in the story to let Michael take over, so he'll fill you in on Wednesday. Perhaps he can tell you all about her fascination with pogo sticks too. Till then...


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