Handy Hints For Guys, #1

Invest in a moustache pen. Ladies will flock to your side.

You're welcome.

Happy Holidays of each and every kind from The Unbelievables

Hi there, everyone. Clark here to just give you all a quick heads-up; Jeff, Michael and I will not be around this week (after today, that is.) That's because we recently apprehended the nefarious Anti-Santa, a real no-goodnik who dresses up as the opposite of Santa Claus and takes toys from children.

Yeah, we jingled his bells REAL good.

Afterward, a certain individual whose identity can not be revealed recruited us as his personal security detail for a world-wide gift distribution network he operates from an undisclosable location up north. Unfortunately, the nature of this mission is so necessarily secretive that we won't be able to reveal anything, even after the fact. Thank you for your understanding. And don't worry about us; we've each been assigned a personal assistant to help us out during this particular mission.

I gotta tell you, this organization is first class all the way.

We'll be back in full form NEXT Monday.
In the meantime, from all of us to all of you, have a truly Unbelievable holiday!
Clark, Jeff and Michael

Unbelieva-Yule-Ku

Blessed Christmas time!

The Yule! The spirit! Warmth's glow!

Camaraderie!

A joyous season 

Which seemingly melts stern hearts

With simple greetings ...

Generous offers,

Genuine invitation

Make pause possible.

Why? How is this so?

There's never time enough ... but ...

Christmas avails us.

We stop, consider,

And, in reflection, we know

Christmas' aura, cheer.

So we greet and call

And plan reunion and mirth

And thus feed Yule's call.

To all we offer,

We Unbelievables three:

Good tidings, Ladies!

It's Party Time: An Unbelievaku

The haiku.
No other form of poetry requires so much discipline, yet allows for so much freedom of expression. Of course, the Unbelieva-ku requires seven times more discipline and results in seven times more fantastic-ness.
Here's one about our social gatherings...

Party time again

at the Unbelieva-base.

I can't wait! Such fun!

Jeff is mixing drinks,

Clark's serving appetizers,

Michael has no pants.

Coats lay on a bed.

Jaccuzzi bubbles away.

Keys are in a bowl.

Shag carpeting makes

static electricity.

Shocks await us all!

This DJ's music

is the best there could be. Hey!

Eric Clapton's here!!

What could be more fun?

Dance and drink and eat and sex

Oops. Wait a minute

Something is missing

Don't know what... the doorbell rings

Well, hello ladies!

Holiday Haiku

One thing that is not widely known about the Unbelievables is that we are skilled poets. Yes, 'tis true. It all started when we were learning martial arts and developing our own style - Unbelieva-Fu - and practising our own meditation techniques - Unbelieva-Zen. We became quite proficient in haiku and after a time we developed our own form of the art (we are very fond of taking things and developing our own version of it, aren't we?). We called our version of haiku Unbelieva-ku, and instead of the traditional 5-7-5 format (five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second line and five in the third), ours consists of seven stanzas of 5-7-5 haikus. Here is one I wrote earlier.

the unbelievables

michael jeff and clark
they have solved some major crimes
unbelievables

got to the bottom
of the muffin man's mischief
turns out he's half-baked

the shenanigans
of little debbie and co.
they got it sorted

sam snow, beyonce
henri petit, dumb baby
klumpmasterflash twins

all of the above
and so many other fools
they brought them to book

holiday season
seems incomplete without them
raise a glass or two

unbelievables
ever vigilant, watching
evil for to quash.

you're welcome.

Len Scapp, unofficial official Unbelievables photojournalist

What The Unbelievables are to international crime-fighting and romance, Len Scapp is to the world of art and fashion photography. He's stylish, charming, flambouyant, passionate and utterly adored by the ladies (hello ladies!). He's also infatuated with us.

Shortly after the interaction that Jeff detailed previously, he scrapped all of his other projects and devoted his life to following us around and documenting our adventures. "The Unbelievables! They shall be my greatest accomplishment, a never-ending, always-changing, work-in-progress, sexy and violent real life performance art captured in an ongoing series of still photographs!" That description, delivered in person by Len to the World Humanity Organization of Art (W.H.O.A) led them to present him with a lifetime achievement award which came with a self-repleneshing annual grant of $3 million, a huge trophy, free french fries at Hardee's/Carl's Jr and an uncomfortably moist hug from W.H.O.A chief administrator Maurizio Von Skreech.

"Where are you going? I was not quite finished hugging you! Wait...okay, never mind. I am done now."

Of course, we're very proud of our role in helping Len reach this level of achievement but he's a highly talented artist in his own rite, as illustrated by some of his previously published art installations...

This is from "A World Without Lighters". It was followed in quick succession by "Models Without Hair".

This one is from "Miniature Models Making Major Messes". Len sought the smallest models he could find, paired them with the largest props possible and spent two weeks screaming, "KNOCK IT OVER! THAT'S IT! SPILL IT! SPILL IT, YOU GORGEOUS, FRAIL, UNDERAGED, ANOREXIC, NOT-QUITE-A-MIDGET, NARCISISTIC WAIF!!" and capturing the results on film.

Of course, this is from "Paging M.C. Escher" in which high fashion models in haute couture were displayed on architecturally impossible sets, given a cell phone and told to call the famed Dutch graphic artist and ask him how to get down.

"Carl's Jr.". We're not sure but we have a feeling that Len just really likes Carl's Jr.

This is all fine with us. Len's a good enough guy and we kind of like having our work documented. But in spite of what people think, he is NOT our official photographer. That honor belongs exclusively to none other than the even more stylish, charming, flambouyant, passionate and mononymous Sprezzatura.

Hello Sprez!!

Girls Like Us, Cameras Love Us

Back when we were just starting out as crimefighters (under the tutelage of the late great Ralph) we never really gave a second thought to our appearance, beyond just wanting to look good for the ladies (Hello, ladies!). We just did what every suave, debonair, playboy man-about-town-who-is-secretly-fighting-crime would do. Expertly coiffed hair. Perfectly precision-cut facial hair. Natty threads. Sweet, sweet custom-made shoes. Awesome wheels. All the usual stuff.

But one Tuesday while we were hanging out on the set of The Misfits in Stagecoach, NV (where they filmed that wild roping scene), chatting to Clark Gable and the delightful Marilyn (yeah - name dropping, I know) a photographer named Len Scapp stopped me in my tracks and said "You know, you have amazing cheekbones."

Blushing, I mumbled shyly, "Yeah, I know! That's what all the ladies say anyway (Hello, ladies!!)"

Then he turned his attention to Michael and Clark and said, "You guys are all lookers. You could make a fortune modelling, you know." Then he gave me a fresh bowl of whipped potatoes, with lots of butter and cracked black pepper.

Well, that was it. Nothing we Unbelievables like better than flattery, or whipped potatoes, especially on a Tuesday. He gave us the number of a couple big modelling agencies and we were on our way, baby. Gig after gig came our way, and soon we found that some of our crime-scene photos also looked so good, what with us being so stylishly dressed and everything, that they could easily be mistaken for catalog pictures, so we slipped them in too. 

In order: drug smuggling ring, plagiarists, and international donut thieves. We busted them all.

But the pictures of us on billboards, bearing the legend "The Unbelievables"? How'd that come about? I'll let Clark explain...

How'd this come about?

P.S. What Michael said about the Unbelieva-base? Well, our first test shoot with the legend that is Len Scapp took place in the inner sanctum of the base, and it was from that shoot that this image came...

Sign, Sign ... Everywhere A Sign

Have you noticed The Unbelievables pop up in some rather interesting places? (Of course you have):

Las Vegas ...

New York ...

Taipei ...

Ever wonder the hows, what the hecks and why fors behind some of those sightings? Why The Unbelievables get their mugs (and more) graced in exotic locales? Common place roadside banners? Especial marquees? Magazine ads? Splashed out there on the world-wide stage?

And who takes those pictures of us, anyway?

There's a tale behind it all as you can well imagine. A story with a reason.

And it all started at the Unbelieva-Base.

Take it away, guys ...

Duel-ry

Michael and Clark have done a great job of outlining our adventures in dispute resolution, although right off the bat I feel I have to make a comment about Sock'Em (or Socker) Boppers, which of course were a ripoff of one of our ideas - Fistipuffs. Thinking about that time makes me so mad I want to don a pair and Bop the heck out of somebody. Which leads me to talk about an old fashioned method of settling an argument - the duel (and I'm not talking about trucks vs. cars driven by Dennis Weaver).

I'm talking about the kind that involves wigs and flintlocks.

The duel is an age-old, tried and tested, yet completely ineffective way of settling an argument. Winning a dispute based purely on how good of a sharpshooter you are, essentially, defies all logic. Doesn't make you a better person, and it doesn't make your point valid, or even correct. So we recommend less harmful ways of having a fight.

First, if you simply must have a duel, make it more skilful and less life-threatening.

Much better.

If the whole theatrical aspect of the duel is what appeals to you, blow off steam by putting on a production of The Mikado. By the time you've worked together on building sets, rehearsed, collaborated on makeup and costume etc., you'll have hopefully formed some sort of bond and will have forgotten all about your silly squabbles.

Or not.

If you are still sold on Socker Boppers, by all means have a bopping duel. Be aware, though, that bopping duels are more fun with tentacle arms.

Or, you could use the now-reinstated Lobster Rage Fist.

You could go for the instant satisfaction of dumping an ice-cold soft drink on the other person's head.

I have long been a fan of pillow fights. In fact, I encourage the Unbelieva-Babes to have lingerie pillow fights on a regular basis as a way of releasing stress. It's um, a team-building exercise. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Go for it, girls! I for one am lobbying the International Olympic Committee to have Lingerie Pillow Fighting recognized as a bona fide Olympic Sport.

If all else fails you could regress into a childlike state and write a soppy note in hopes that the cuteness factor will save the day.

Never fails.

If none of these ideas works for you, then I suggest hiding up at home with a big bowl of whipped potatoes. Especially on a Tuesday.

I'll be in my room till Wednesday.

Dispute Resolution: A Few Examples

Yes ... dispute resolution. 

Just one more thing in which The Unbelievables excel.

Example: While in Washington to accept one of our many accolades (this particular time it was a presidential commendation for crime fighting) we were invited to sit in on a press conference for some such. There was a big hullabaloo on the set between the producers and director who couldn't figure out which would be the better format - black & white or color. Color, the producers said, would usher in a feeling of realism and "nowness" foisting confidence that the government was "with the times." Black & white, the director argued, would minimize the background noise and help focus on the issue at hand (whatever it was). 

You can see the results of the our efforts in assisting to resolve the debate: Both color and black & white in the same scene. 

"Brilliant!" the producers and director shouted simultaneously as they applied hearty back slaps to Jeff, Clark and myself for getting them out of a sticky jam. The session ended with a celebratory party, lots of champagne and even more praises for us.


Another Example: The sinister Dame Frederica had issues with men all her life. She would rather kill them then let them pass her on the sidewalk. 

The Unbelievables managed to quell those evil tendencies (along with additional jail time) by utilizing the simple technique of "pulling men's strings" while she wore nothing but her undergarments. We're proud to say Dame Frederica still remains outside the hoosegow today.

Of note, it's interesting Clark brought up the dinner dish fiasco between husband and wife last post. Because - not only did we define fighting fairness and, thus, dispute resolution - it instigated the development of one of our most innovative products of the time: Fistipuffs by The Unbelievables.

Naturally, with any popular product, imitators come out of the woodwork. In the case of Fistipuffs, the cheap Socker Boppers were launched with a marketing campaign of renown. 

Jeff will clue you into some of the details of how our invention got ripped off by Charles "Chuckie" Swift, seen below with a Socker Boppers display in a Woolworth department store.

Bastard ...

Why you didn't see us on "Black Friday"

Every year, it seems the problem of over-aggressive bargain seekers creating mayhem at early "door buster" retail sales on the day after Thanksgiving (aka "Black Friday") gets bigger. At least it gets more attention. With that, we get more people inquiring, "why don't The Unbelievables get involved and do something about this?". Well, it's not really a matter of picking our battles except in this case it totally is. Just take a look at this...

See that big, ugly, swirling, sweaty, tacky mass of pushing and pulling? No style. No grace. No class. Ugh. Those people aren't going to listen to us and we certainly don't want to hear anything they have to say. Even the worst supervillians we deal with have an element of elan that is utterly lacking in these crude chotchkie clutchers.

Even the horrible, disgusting man-toddler Henri Petit at least knows how to rock a sweater vest.

Simply put, we're not above settling disputes as long as they're classy.

Here we are (note the neutral corner) settling a debate between a husband and wife over who should clean the post-dinner dishes. It was our idea for the lady to remain seated as she might grow weary and to wear gloves, so as to protect her manicure. She lost. Badly.

These two gentlemen nearly came to blows over which was the bigger anachronism, the bicycles parked nearby or everything about the woman yelling at them. We were able to convince them, with surprisngly little effort, that they had far more in common than they did in dispute. They're still married today. Congratulations, Fred and Walter!

Lastly, here we are simulating fisticuffs for the benefit of a local chapter of "We Solve All Of Our Problems With Guns!" (W.S.A.O.O.P.W.G), opening their minds to the possibility of settling certain conflicts in a slightly less-fatal manner. It looks like Michael is restraining Jeff so I can land an uncontested haymaker. However, this is actually a split second before everything I ate for a week tasted like Jeff's left shoe.
I'm sure my colleagues would be delighted to share examples of other disputes where we were either directly involved in the resolution of or had no intention whatsoever of getting involved at all.