Girls Like Us, Cameras Love Us

Back when we were just starting out as crimefighters (under the tutelage of the late great Ralph) we never really gave a second thought to our appearance, beyond just wanting to look good for the ladies (Hello, ladies!). We just did what every suave, debonair, playboy man-about-town-who-is-secretly-fighting-crime would do. Expertly coiffed hair. Perfectly precision-cut facial hair. Natty threads. Sweet, sweet custom-made shoes. Awesome wheels. All the usual stuff.

But one Tuesday while we were hanging out on the set of The Misfits in Stagecoach, NV (where they filmed that wild roping scene), chatting to Clark Gable and the delightful Marilyn (yeah - name dropping, I know) a photographer named Len Scapp stopped me in my tracks and said "You know, you have amazing cheekbones."

Blushing, I mumbled shyly, "Yeah, I know! That's what all the ladies say anyway (Hello, ladies!!)"

Then he turned his attention to Michael and Clark and said, "You guys are all lookers. You could make a fortune modelling, you know." Then he gave me a fresh bowl of whipped potatoes, with lots of butter and cracked black pepper.

Well, that was it. Nothing we Unbelievables like better than flattery, or whipped potatoes, especially on a Tuesday. He gave us the number of a couple big modelling agencies and we were on our way, baby. Gig after gig came our way, and soon we found that some of our crime-scene photos also looked so good, what with us being so stylishly dressed and everything, that they could easily be mistaken for catalog pictures, so we slipped them in too. 

In order: drug smuggling ring, plagiarists, and international donut thieves. We busted them all.

But the pictures of us on billboards, bearing the legend "The Unbelievables"? How'd that come about? I'll let Clark explain...

How'd this come about?

P.S. What Michael said about the Unbelieva-base? Well, our first test shoot with the legend that is Len Scapp took place in the inner sanctum of the base, and it was from that shoot that this image came...

File Under: Do Not Use

There are literally thousands of different weapons out there and dozens of different fighting styles, and we here at Unbelievables HQ pride ourselves on being able to learn the most efficient ways of utilising these weapons and skills in double-quick time. We are all fast learners and can turn our hands to new disciplines in the wink of an eye.

Being skilled with weaponry as well as having to kick bad guys' butts on a weekly basis not only keeps us in tip-top shape, but it also means that we have seen some interesting, if not wacky, guns, swords, knives and the like in our time. Some are extremely useful - others, sadly, merely look good. And there are those that are neither. Since we don't use any of the following any more, we are allowed to show them to you. Brace yourselves.

 This outsized sword is really only useful if you are a wizard or an ogre. It looks amazing, but it's so blunt you can't really do anything with it except use it as an interesting serving platter for canapes. Move over Jamie Oliver!

This one was meant to be used for when you find yourself in a tough spot and are surrounded on all sides. Trouble is, there is no way to know which barrel your last shot will come out of. The spike is the most useful bit. Looks intimidating though.

The Crazy Gun is really only for those rare occasions when showering your opponent in Silly String is preferable to giving him a good duffing-up. Better save this one for Halloween.

A menacing weapon, but rejected because the shot tended to deflect off the tip of the blade, causing a shower of sparks and not hitting the intended target. High-class junk.

The Nerf Gator Gun. Speechless.

The multi-rubberband gun looks insane, but is only good for prancing around in a frock coat on a hillside.

A stupid knife based on a cricket bat. Better off to use an actual cricket bat.

Cpl. Baker with an invention of his own, the chainmachinegunsaw. We rejected this one, unsurprisingly, on the grounds that we could hurt ourselves by simply starting it up.

Not really sure what this is. Next!

At first glance we quite liked the sword/cane, but dropped it for two reasons: First, old people kept picking it up and taking it home by mistake, and secondly, because taking one of these suckers through TSA checkpoints is nigh impossible without certain uncomfortable questions being raised.

Effective, but cruel to crustaceans.

The ring-gun. Difficult to operate without blowing your finger off.

The blunder-axe. Looks great, but the recoil can be deadly.

I don't think that's strictly legal for huntin' deer, Bubba.

Ummm... not sure where this pic came from. Guys? any ideas?

This is one weapon we kept, but only for use at parties. You can use it for bagels, donuts, mini-pizzas and pineapple rings.

Weapons of choice

While we do not consider ourselves violent men and certainly don't condone violence as the first and foremost means of resolving a conflict, the fact of the matter is the best way to finish a fight is to win it. It would be nice to say that The Unbelievables are able to handle things the way we do simply because we are the men that we are. That's almost entirely true but in some cases, were we to enter a fight totally unarmed, there exists a slight mathematical possibility that we could lose. We're not men who leave things to chance. As a result, we devote a great deal of ongoing training to mastering weapons systems.

All weapons can be sorted into one of the following four categories:

1. Shooting - Pistol, rifle, bow and arrow, etc.
2. Cutting/stabbing - Knife, ax, sword, bayonets affixed to an empty rifle, arrow that has fallen on the ground, etc.
3. Hitting - Club, empty pistol, empty rifle, beer bottle, whiskey bottle, vodka bottle, rum bottle, cognac bottle, bartender's artificial leg (we used to get in a lot of fights at bars), etc.
4. Exploding - Bomb, grenade, artillery, rifle with dynamite stuffed down the barrel, etc.

Each of us are masters in all four categories, but we still have our own personal favorites. Mine is the sword. Don't get me wrong, guns are a lot of fun and when you need to blast a bad guy backwards through a plate glass window, well, there really is no substitute.

However, I much prefer swords to guns. Guns are loud and clumsy. Swords are more elegant and graceful. The "BANG-BANG-BANG" of a gun fight is like the self-indulgent drum solo during a heavy metal performance. By comparison, the "Schiiiiiiiiiiiing" when you pull the sword from your scabbard to the "tink-tink-ka-tink" of blade-against-blade during a duel to the eventual "YAAAARRRGH!!" of your opponent screaming while spitting up blood after you've stabbed him in the stomach makes a sword fight more like a beautiful symphony. Granted, a beautiful symphony that ends with someone drowning in their own blood, but that's always going to happen. Nothing you can do about that. Simply put, a sword is the gentleman's weapon; guns are for brutish goons.

But that's just me. To each their own. Like I said, the three of us are weapon masters in all classifications, but we still have our own personal preferences.


"Michael's right, these hats are ridiculous. I can't see a bloody thing."
"Thank you, Jeff. What do they have to do with swords anyway?"
"Oh, shut up, both of you. These hats are bad ass."

I'll let Jeff and Michael fill you in on their favorites and the reasons behind them. Meanwhile, I'm off for a fencing lesson with 2012 Olympic gold medal winner Elisa Di Francisca (she's showing tremendous promise!)