Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Have No Fear, Unbelievinars™ Are Here

So many careers have been ruined or at least slowed to a crawl due to an offhand remark, a single instance of poor or shoddy work, or, in the case of Hollywood actors especially, a photo without make-up. This is where we Unbelievables are ready to step in at a moment's notice with one of our patented Unbelievinars™.
In these we teach notables of every ilk how to avoid the many common pitfalls of fame. Of course, we have a vast network of celebrities out there in famous-land who are in fact undercover operatives and informants, ready to let us know at a moment's behest what's goin' down in Chinatown.But did you also know that these same household-name moles and well-known supergrasses are also ready to tell us whether a celeb is at risk of making a public gaffe or career-stalling decision such as those outlined on Monday. This is when we step in and conduct an Unbelievinar™ with the person or persons in question.

So... what sort of things do we teach these folks?

Well, here is an example.

One of the mimeographed sheets from an Unbelievinar™.

So who have we helped? There is of course a lot of secrecy surrounding the celebrity Unbelieva-Network, so I am only able to mention those folks who have sadly passed on, or who aren't really that famous anymore.

Tiny Tim had a glittering career up until 1996, when he ignored our advice in which we declared the importance of NOT dying on stage. To be fair, he didn't actually die on stage, but he had a heart attack from which he never recovered, which is almost the same thing.


Pat Hingle was on the fence about working with that massive tool Michael Keaton in the 1989 film Batman. We told him straight "Pat, if you turn down the role of Commissioner Gordon  it'll be career suicide. Don't make a public twit of yourself, take the role, suck it up and cash in, buddy."

"I cashed in. Thanks, Unbelievinars™!"

Peter Falk very nearly blew his stack at a prying paparazzo and was one step away from decking him with a well-aimed glass eye. The reason you never heard about this story is because at the last second he referred to his Unbelieva-Zen, took a step back, regulated his breathing, stepped forward again, snapped the guy's neck in one swift movement and buried the body in the Arizona desert. After all, he figured the guy was a minute speck on a sea of scum - who's gonna miss him? You know what - nobody has yet.

Thanks, Unbelievinars™!
Dennis Hopper was brought to us when we were alerted by one of our vast network of insiders that he was worried that he might be about to commit celeb hara-kiri by accepting a role in the Super Mario Bros. film. We reassured him, however. "You're Dennis F***ing Hopper, man. You don't need to worry. Anything you touch is cool by definition!"

Yes, the film was a stinker by anyone's standards. But Hopper made it cool, because he was and is still cool. Ah, if only one could say the same for Fisher Stevens and Samantha Mathis.
Thanks, you f***ers, for Unbelievinars™!

Michael Gough, famous for playing Alfred in the first four Batman pictures, was also infamous for playing pranks on other actors, and almost put his butlerly foot in it when he set up the old paint-can-on-top-of-the-door trick with the intent of nobbling Tim Burton, the film's director. Luckily we were nearby and were able to dismantle the apparatus before anyone got sploshed. We hastily booked him in for a session.

Thank you very much indeed, Unbelievinars™!

I'll leave it to fellow Unbelieva-Instructor Michael to continue the accounts of our involvement in defusing celebrity hot pickles. Or something.

Catch you on the flipside.

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