Friday, December 7, 2012

This Ain't No Snow Job

As Clark and Michael have outlined earlier this week, we were in pursuit of the twisted Sam Snow, aka "Frosty the Snowman". His one aim - to rid the world of toys. He had done his darndest, I'll give him that. Even to the extent of kidnapping the great Roy Wood, lead singer of the glam rock outfit Wizzard, and forcing him to record the song "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday". 

Surely not, you say. That's a happy jolly Christmassy song. Yes, it is. But pay attention to the lyrics. 

When the snowman brings the snow
Well he just might like to know
He's put a great big smile upon somebody's face
If you jump into your bed
Quickly cover up your head
Don't you lock the doors
You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way

The Snowman reference is clear. He sincerely thought that by taking away all the toys, he'd put a 'great big smile' on everyone's faces. As to Santa Claus? Well he may be on his way, but there is nothing in the lyrics that references toys, is there? Look it up. And who was there to rescue the great Mr. Wood? The Unbelievables, of course. we discovered him strapped to a chair with a pair of headphones taped over his mouth so he couldn't cry for help. Once we'd removed the tape (and most of his beard), he told us of the location of Sam Snow's hideout.

So anyway, there we were, the three of us, dressed in our Ken doll outfits. We had our code names - Clark was Ken, I was Sean and Michael was Carson. Of course, Michael being the witty jokester he always is, was busy saying stuff like "I did not know that", and "Weird, wild stuff" a la Johnny, but Clark and I were trying to ignore the dead-on impersonations* as best we could and concentrate on what we were up to. And what were we up to?

"Acid wash? Seriously?"

We had had to somehow fit ourselves in packages and pass ourselves off as genuine Christmas gifts and deposit ourselves under a Christmas tree. Whose Christmas tree? Why, Sam Snow's, of course. He may not have been a fan of toys, but he sure loved getting presents. He was a Grinchy fellow for sure, he wanted to turn the world into his own personal "Snow Globe", he hated his kids and their want-want-bloody-want all the freakin' time, couldn't bear to see anyone else happy. In fact, he reminded us a lot of the sour old Burgermeister Meisterburger from "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town". His heart was softened by the gift of a toy, so we thought we'd try the same tack. Plant ourselves under the man's tree, and when he opens the packages and is momentarily beguiled by our charms, nab the foul fiend. 

"A TOY?!"

The only problem was how to get in there. This required some strategy. Sam Snow barely ever left his compound, so getting in without being noticed was gonna be tough. This was when we hit upon the idea of using an ex-SAS person. The SAS are trained to get in and out without being detected, and are therefore ideal in this type of situation. Clark had connections. A friend of a friend's cousin's sister's uncle's brother's neighbour's grandpa's best friend's daughter was dating Bear Grylls at the time, so he made a call. Several calls, actually.

Bear was at a loose end and so was easily convinced. We promised him as much roadkill as he could eat and told him that the future of Christmas depended on him. How he got us in, I'll never know. It was very dark and quite a bumpy ride, and I swear I could smell roasting hyena, but he did it, bless him.

"Om nom nom nom!!"

Come Christmas morn we were woken abruptly by Snow shaking the packages and wondering aloud who the hell had sent him a present. As he tore off the wrapping, we jumped out in our Ken disguises, which stunned him momentarily, allowing us the valuable seconds we needed to subdue him. Michael pinned him to the floor with a knee to the throat, Clark cuffed him and I poked my weapon in the small of his back and helped frogmarch him out to the *ahem* new car we had bought to replace the Corvette. Sadly, it was a Chevy Citation, but we'd made a few modifications. 

And the free world breathed a collective sigh of relief. You're welcome, world. Just another day at the office for The Unbelievables.

*Michael has always tried out his impressions from the early days. Even when we were together at Camp Action! he would do the voices of all the camp counselors and some of the other campers. Oh, his take on Larry Scheeble, the camp nerd, was priceless! We did laugh.


  1. Oh ... the times we had in that Citation.

    Much more fun, entertaining and adventurous than the Corvette ...

  2. RuprechtMadeMeDoItDecember 7, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    there's an ex-state trooper here who allegedly tried to pull "a snowman" on his ex-girlfriend while she was sleeping (we call it pulling a Yauk, to honor his last name). the local fuzz must be the santa to which you refer after the lyrics. . . their rudolph had a bright red nose on top of its head.

    i didn't read much past the lyrics; you distracted me.