Wednesday, August 24, 2016

The weather, and other things we shouldn't talk about

Do yourself and everyone else a favor and issue yourself a preemptive SHUT UP any time one of these topics pops up. For three reasons:
1) Like Michael said, we can't do anything about them so what's the point?
2) Shut up.
3) OMG, SHUT UP!!!


"It's hot outside!"
Yes. It's summer time. This is not a particularly illuminating observation. It is hot outside. You're not making it cooler nor are you educating anyone. Nobody who has been outside has said, "there's something about the environment in which I am currently an inhabitant but I just can't figure out what it is." Hey, it's hot outside. "You know what, that is exactly what it is! Hot! Thank you!"


"It's cold outside!"
See above and change some of the words around, you dummy.


"Your candidate is awful"
"My candidate is also kinda awful, if I'm being honest"
"All the candidates are awful"
"Everything is awful"
Yeah. And?


We know, it's awesome, the best place ever, just amazing. Unless it's terrible, the worst place ever, just horrible. The service is outstanding. Unless it sucks. The food is just incredible. Unless it sucks. One of two ridiculous subjective extremes. You feel like it's your obligation to get the word out, either way. That's fine. But here's what you need to do: publish a review on Yelp where we can conveniently ignore you and people like you in one place.


Chances are if I didn't make a point of sitting down and watching the guy run around and kick the thing and hit the other guy, it's because I didn't want to. And even if that's not the case, if I missed it for some reason, there are only about a million different ways I can get caught up without hearing you talk about it.


If you're a fantasy sports enthusiast, you already know that people who aren't have no interest in the subject, as well as people who are. You already know from previous failed attempts to engage people that exactly zero people care that you missed the playoffs in one of your leagues because your kicker missed a 27-yard field goal after making kicks of 33, 48 and 53 previously in the same game. What you also need to know is that the name of your team is nowhere near as clever as you think it is. Setting up a web page and issuing "hilarious" fake press releases and memes with your made-up logo poorly Photoshopped on to Jake Cutler's helmet is nothing more than a waste of bandwidth, even today when that isn't even a thing people worry about anymore.
Not even remotely funny, on any level whatsoever.

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