The ICC

More often than not, The Unbelievables don't wait for things to happen. We make things happen.

But, in this particular case, we were glad to have waited for the opportunity.

The International Conference of Crime (The ICC) rears its head to gather some of the best crime fighting groups and individuals from around the globe. It's an interesting get-together, sporadically appearing at various times and never at the same time of year or location. With a mere month's notice of any of the conferences, not all champions of defense and do-goodery are able to make the event. Or are offered an invite for that matter.

This year was one of the times our calendar allowed us to attend.

The ICC is a series of meet and greets, sit downs, interactive workshops and more centered on quashing the actions of ne'er-do-wells and their malfeasance. The three-day affair also hosts a lavish end-of-conference dinner which is one of the highlights of the event, complete with special emphasis on those in attendance who have gone above and beyond in their efforts to put misconduct in its place.

Of course, The Unbelievables - with all our globetrotting adventures - we're keynote speakers. We were afforded the opportunity to call out some of our most daring adventures, much to the delight of all those in attendance.

The quiet before the storm:
A glimpse of one of the lecture rooms an hour prior to our Unbelieva-Fu® lecture.

We even got to head up a panel featuring our signature Unbelieva-Fu® methods of discipline ... which, as it turned out, blossomed into a surprise threesome of lectures because of its popularity. (Bonus: We have a hefty amount of new orders for our Kickin' Jeans with DiamondCrotch® technology.)

Plus, we devoted a minute on some of the Matt Damon / Jason Bourne film consultations.

Doesn't hurt to showcase a high point or two every now and again.

Needless to say, with our highlighted attendance, The ICC was a smashing proceeding this year ...

Me and Stevie Nicks in the midst of an Unbelieva-Fu® session.
Yes, long ago Stevie signed up for some personal one-on-one instruction.
I was happy to oblige ...

  
... but it wasn't without a few instances of drama.

Clark and Jeff will fill you in on a couple of those points later in the week.

Our Highs, Our Lows

I don't know why we have to continually revisit certain things the public seems to "forget." But here we go again.

It's been well documented I've been upstaged / had the wool pulled over my eyes (See what I did there?) / suffered the shenanigans of one of our old enemies Mac Ramey. I'm not perfect. It's just that I (and the other fellas) appear that way a majority of the time. (We DO have an image to uphold, you know. We do what we can to put our best foot forward, something expected of us.)

Regardless, I learned a few good things about those encounters with Ramey. Various soothing techniques (as an aside) I willingly incorporated into my personal Unbelieva-Fu® regimen for example. Not to mention a few instances where I could apply variations of crime fighting techniques to what we already know and have developed.

But, yes, there was an awkward low point to one of those encounters (much to the chagrin of Jeff and Clark) - the infamous crocheted shorts. It seems I used to flaunt around in them too much. Looking back, they were rather embarrassing.

So, yeah ... Low Point. I'll admit that. And of my own free will. Besides, it's on the internet for-EV-er. I couldn't deny it if I wanted to. There's nothing known to mankind which can eradicate something like that from the history books.

But ... there was a positive consequence borne from it. The fallout from those crocheted shorts led to my "world famous" pantslessness image and preferred mode of traipsing about, especially around the Unbelieva-Base. (And other locales when I can get away with it.)

 
So, there you go. Really High Point.

Need I provide examples of any others? (Don't answer that. If you really must know more information about me, you can find plenty in the annals of The Unbelievables. Don't be lazy. Go search stuff out for yourself. There are volumes of good and bad characteristics to glean.)

Meanwhile, maybe this week we'll discover why Clark often looks like this ...

... when his turn to contribute comes about later this week.

(Disclaimer: Many of you might be all a'flutter waiting for that tidbit. Don't hold your breath; I'm not promising he'll fess up that easily.)

The misinformed mastermind behind the Black Cat

We had to get moving quickly...

CLARK: All right. We're going to need a canoe. They're $38 so we're each going to have to cough up about $13.
JEFF: ...
MICHAEL: ...
CLARK: Okay, one of us only has to pay $12, but we can work that out later.
JEFF: I'm trying to figure out why you think we need a canoe.
MICHAEL: I'm trying to figure out why you think canoes only cost $38.
CLARK: Why would any canoe ever cost more than $38?
JEFF: There's no reason to think we need to take to the water...
MICHAEL: Because every canoe ever costs more than $38!
CLARK: You're out of your mind!
JEFF: .. and we have a boat.
MICHAEL: What do you know about canoes?
CLARK: I bought one! And guess how much it cost? $38!
JEFF: Actually, we have several boats.
MICHAEL: And where is this canoe of yours? I've never seen it.
CLARK: I don't have it anymore. It sunk the first time I took it out. But you see my point.

Right after this exchange, Jeff answered the doorbell (installing the doorbell at our secret hideout was another one of my ideas that Jeff and Michael didn't appreciate, but this story will illustrate, once again, why my ideas are brilliant) and found a man named Melvin Movovovin turning himself in. 

Mr. Melvin Movovovin

It seems he was one of those people mentioned by Jeff on Monday who was a friend of a friend who had actually been one of our Unbelieva-Fu® students. Having heard about it third-hand, he didn't realize it was something we owned the rights to, so he combined his love of cartooning with his beloved pet black cat (Miss Muffinmitts), thinking he could provide a public service and make a few bucks. 

Mrs. Myrna Movovovin (Melvin's Missus) holding Miss Muffinmitts

His connection to the Republican presidential candidates is that he works for all of them, functioning as their Kip the Mailboy. Being indistinguishable from each other, none of them noticed that they all employed the same man. As a result of having 12 jobs, he was making so much money that he'd forgotten about trying to get rich off his Black Cat inadvertent Unbelieva-Fu® rip-off until somebody saw this blog and tipped him off. He apologized profusely and we consider the matter closed, except Michael insists somehow that he won the canoe argument.

Also, Jeff wants you to know that we have some boats for sale.

The "Likely" Candidates

The most likely suspects were Helena Handbasket and Polly Gripp.

(Back in the day, I ... *ahem* ... "knew" them rather well. And trust me: They're two characters you do NOT want to get mixed up with for multiple reasons, your sanity being one of those reasons.)

But likely as the two were - logical considerations both - the facts we uncovered led to a much more heinous group of infiltrators.

Cads. Snake oil salesmen. Louts with ill intention. Scoundrels of such devious mind they were confident they could plot arrangements through secretive lackeys who would (supposedly) leave no paper trail as to who the real brains were in the operation.

Fortunately, The Unbelievables are far smarter than your average miscreant wishing to capitalize on our good names and our even better methodologies.

After sifting through many of the obvious appellants (and hearing, once again, Clark's delusions of grandeur concerning Marianne, the Girl-In-A-Box for the umpteenth time and how he could have been really good for her and turned her from a life of crime) the logical conclusion came to us while we were taking a break watching television last week.

The answer was right there on the screen, these guys:

Yep, you got it. A goodly chunk of the current Republican candidates vying for POTUS.

Damn! What a devious lot! Utilizing a strong feminine figure like The Black Cat to falsely empower other women - brilliant! Especially when everyone and his brother knows full well Republicans despise women and womens' rights! What tricksters! And hiding in plain sight and on a public forum! How cunning!

But ... was it one of them? All of them? Just a select few? None of the candidates were ever enrolled in any of The Unbelievables' Unbelieva-Fu® seminars; we would have recognized them at the drop of a smile. They had to have infiltrated our ranks using a foil. How did they do it?

We may have caught them red-handed but, as politicians, they were collectively able to talk their way their way out of any blame. (It's what politicians do, first and foremost.) Still, there were questions to be answered.

Clark provides the conclusion to the tale Friday ...

Copyright Vs. Copywrong

Naturally, when you are as adept at kicking butt as we Unbelievable types are, people are going to be envious. We have given Unbelievinars® on self-defence for women, using elements of Unbelieva-Fu® combined with Zumba, Salsa and a little Lindy Hop for a well-rounded, complete yet accessible method of ass-kicking. Attendees of these Unbelievinars® have to sign a waiver before taking part in the class to ensure they will not give away any part of what they've learned nor try to profit from it in any way. I mean, we have to protect the public. Unbelieva-Fu® is strong stuff. Even a little knowledge of its secrets can be too much for a regular Joe to handle. 

Michael gives Stevie Nicks a little personal tuition.

But, people are people, and we are well aware of how difficult it can be to keep schtumm about something as awe-inspiring as Unbelieva-Fu®. Some people can barely contain this knowledge. They just have to tell someone.

And as long as it goes no further, as long as it's just an innocent slip, there's usually no problem.

But when somebody tries to make money off of this knowledge, to re-sell our secrets, well then THAT MAKES US SEE RED.

So when this appeared one day...

our blood boiled. All that baloney about Jiu-Jitsu and Judo was just so much hot air. At least 10% of what you see above is Unbelieva-Fu®, pure and simple. (We're not telling which 10%, though - we ain't stupid.) 

We had to try to find this Black Cat person, and quickly. Trouble is, even though we kept scrupulous records of previous attendees of our Unbelievinars®, not one of them answered to the name Black Cat. Obviously a disguise of some sort.

We had some ideas of possible previous pupils, but had no easy time of it in tracking them down. 

Could it be Hotlegs O'Hooligan, the pride of old Peabody, Mass.?

Marianne, the Girl-In-A-Box?

or Helena Handbasket and Polly Gripp, two notorious brawlin' burlesquers?

Come back on Wednesday for further info.

Like We Have Time For TV

A TV legend and one of our favourites recently passed away. Patrick Macnee, famous in the '60s and '70s as John Steed, leader of The Avengers and The New Avengers, died aged 93. He will be sorely missed, not only for his sartorial elegance, his wit, charm and general savoir faire with the opposite sex, but for his incredible array of weaponry and impressive bad-guy-butt-kicking skills.

This leads us to a question that was posed by one of our readers the other day (well, truthfully, it was Kip the Mail Boy) which was: What do The Unbelievables like to watch on TV?

So therefore I shall post my TV choices and the others can post theirs later.

Well, sadly, we don't get an awful lot of time to watch the old gogglebox, but when we do, I tend to go for something funny, y'know, to lighten the mood. Being a crimefighter is not without its stresses and strains, so a little levity can ease the burden a tad. I like stuff like

The IT Crowd,


Father Ted, 


8 Out Of 10 Cats, 



Modern Life Is Goodish  



and Live At the Apollo.




I do like crime drama (natch), my recent fave being DCI Banks.




However, in my estimation, for real enjoyable and relaxing TV, one cannot beat a cracking episode of Tree Fu Tom. 

First you have Tom, a young lad who is able to magically shrink down and enter the forest world of Treetopolis, ruled by the kindly Oprah-like earth mother figure Treetog. Tom's best friend is Twigs, an acorn sprite, voiced by the great David Tennant (yes - Doctor Who number 10), aided and abetted by the sassy rancher-butterfly Ariella, the perpetually scared woodlouse Squirmtum (whose knowledge of caverns is unsurpassed) and the slightly unhinged wacky frog inventor Zigzoo. There's also a kindly old spider named Rickety and villainy in the form of the Mushers, Stink and Puffy. 

Sounds like a kids' show, ya say? Well, it is - or at least, that's what they want you to think. But Tom regularly interrupts the action to lead us through some physical movement exercises, cunningly disguised as magic spells, which are actually variants of Unbelieva-Fu that we taught Tom himself at one of our Unbelievinars™. What a great time we had. Especially when we all went out for burgers and shakes afterwards at Mel's diner in Pigeon Forge, TN. So watching an episode of Tree Fu Tom is like a warm, fuzzy trip back in time for me. Not only that, but Tennant's (Twigs's) throwaway one -liners and casual asides are straight up hilarious. To quote Bruno Mars, "don't believe me? Just watch."

Holiday Haiku

One thing that is not widely known about the Unbelievables is that we are skilled poets. Yes, 'tis true. It all started when we were learning martial arts and developing our own style - Unbelieva-Fu - and practising our own meditation techniques - Unbelieva-Zen. We became quite proficient in haiku and after a time we developed our own form of the art (we are very fond of taking things and developing our own version of it, aren't we?). We called our version of haiku Unbelieva-ku, and instead of the traditional 5-7-5 format (five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second line and five in the third), ours consists of seven stanzas of 5-7-5 haikus. Here is one I wrote earlier.

the unbelievables

michael jeff and clark
they have solved some major crimes
unbelievables

got to the bottom
of the muffin man's mischief
turns out he's half-baked

the shenanigans
of little debbie and co.
they got it sorted

sam snow, beyonce
henri petit, dumb baby
klumpmasterflash twins

all of the above
and so many other fools
they brought them to book

holiday season
seems incomplete without them
raise a glass or two

unbelievables
ever vigilant, watching
evil for to quash.

you're welcome.

File Under: Do Not Use

There are literally thousands of different weapons out there and dozens of different fighting styles, and we here at Unbelievables HQ pride ourselves on being able to learn the most efficient ways of utilising these weapons and skills in double-quick time. We are all fast learners and can turn our hands to new disciplines in the wink of an eye.

Being skilled with weaponry as well as having to kick bad guys' butts on a weekly basis not only keeps us in tip-top shape, but it also means that we have seen some interesting, if not wacky, guns, swords, knives and the like in our time. Some are extremely useful - others, sadly, merely look good. And there are those that are neither. Since we don't use any of the following any more, we are allowed to show them to you. Brace yourselves.

 This outsized sword is really only useful if you are a wizard or an ogre. It looks amazing, but it's so blunt you can't really do anything with it except use it as an interesting serving platter for canapes. Move over Jamie Oliver!

This one was meant to be used for when you find yourself in a tough spot and are surrounded on all sides. Trouble is, there is no way to know which barrel your last shot will come out of. The spike is the most useful bit. Looks intimidating though.

The Crazy Gun is really only for those rare occasions when showering your opponent in Silly String is preferable to giving him a good duffing-up. Better save this one for Halloween.

A menacing weapon, but rejected because the shot tended to deflect off the tip of the blade, causing a shower of sparks and not hitting the intended target. High-class junk.

The Nerf Gator Gun. Speechless.

The multi-rubberband gun looks insane, but is only good for prancing around in a frock coat on a hillside.

A stupid knife based on a cricket bat. Better off to use an actual cricket bat.

Cpl. Baker with an invention of his own, the chainmachinegunsaw. We rejected this one, unsurprisingly, on the grounds that we could hurt ourselves by simply starting it up.

Not really sure what this is. Next!

At first glance we quite liked the sword/cane, but dropped it for two reasons: First, old people kept picking it up and taking it home by mistake, and secondly, because taking one of these suckers through TSA checkpoints is nigh impossible without certain uncomfortable questions being raised.

Effective, but cruel to crustaceans.

The ring-gun. Difficult to operate without blowing your finger off.

The blunder-axe. Looks great, but the recoil can be deadly.

I don't think that's strictly legal for huntin' deer, Bubba.

Ummm... not sure where this pic came from. Guys? any ideas?

This is one weapon we kept, but only for use at parties. You can use it for bagels, donuts, mini-pizzas and pineapple rings.

Weapons of choice

While we do not consider ourselves violent men and certainly don't condone violence as the first and foremost means of resolving a conflict, the fact of the matter is the best way to finish a fight is to win it. It would be nice to say that The Unbelievables are able to handle things the way we do simply because we are the men that we are. That's almost entirely true but in some cases, were we to enter a fight totally unarmed, there exists a slight mathematical possibility that we could lose. We're not men who leave things to chance. As a result, we devote a great deal of ongoing training to mastering weapons systems.

All weapons can be sorted into one of the following four categories:

1. Shooting - Pistol, rifle, bow and arrow, etc.
2. Cutting/stabbing - Knife, ax, sword, bayonets affixed to an empty rifle, arrow that has fallen on the ground, etc.
3. Hitting - Club, empty pistol, empty rifle, beer bottle, whiskey bottle, vodka bottle, rum bottle, cognac bottle, bartender's artificial leg (we used to get in a lot of fights at bars), etc.
4. Exploding - Bomb, grenade, artillery, rifle with dynamite stuffed down the barrel, etc.

Each of us are masters in all four categories, but we still have our own personal favorites. Mine is the sword. Don't get me wrong, guns are a lot of fun and when you need to blast a bad guy backwards through a plate glass window, well, there really is no substitute.

However, I much prefer swords to guns. Guns are loud and clumsy. Swords are more elegant and graceful. The "BANG-BANG-BANG" of a gun fight is like the self-indulgent drum solo during a heavy metal performance. By comparison, the "Schiiiiiiiiiiiing" when you pull the sword from your scabbard to the "tink-tink-ka-tink" of blade-against-blade during a duel to the eventual "YAAAARRRGH!!" of your opponent screaming while spitting up blood after you've stabbed him in the stomach makes a sword fight more like a beautiful symphony. Granted, a beautiful symphony that ends with someone drowning in their own blood, but that's always going to happen. Nothing you can do about that. Simply put, a sword is the gentleman's weapon; guns are for brutish goons.

But that's just me. To each their own. Like I said, the three of us are weapon masters in all classifications, but we still have our own personal preferences.


"Michael's right, these hats are ridiculous. I can't see a bloody thing."
"Thank you, Jeff. What do they have to do with swords anyway?"
"Oh, shut up, both of you. These hats are bad ass."

I'll let Jeff and Michael fill you in on their favorites and the reasons behind them. Meanwhile, I'm off for a fencing lesson with 2012 Olympic gold medal winner Elisa Di Francisca (she's showing tremendous promise!)

The Unbelievables Are Micro-Fiber Reinforced

Let it be said right here and right now:
Bill "Superfoot" Wallace doesn't have anything on The Unbelievables

Clark's right. The clothes we wear are all-encompassing. Careful thought has been put into everything, whether it's that chapeau atop our heads, the color of our cardigans or the (sometimes) steel-fortified tips of our shoes. When we're on the job, it's not just about looking good. The anticipation of danger and the safety of our persons are paramount as well.

I have to say: The kevlar micro-fiber reinforced DiamondCrotch® technology woven into our Kickin' Jeans has come in handy on more than a occasions. And not just because of dealings with dastardly villains we've come across in our travails. ("Hello, ladies!") Possible "trouble" could lurk around any corner ... and not necessarily from an intended threat. Enthusiastic aficionados of The Unbelievables have given us a run for our money as well, a burden we bear gladly.

But ... about the jeans. We need them for a myriad of situations, haute couture being one of the most important, you understand. Blue jeans are one of the most versatile pieces of clothing in the crime fighting arena. Pockets capable of alteration to house a bevy of weapons and more ... leg protection from sliding down a roof or shimmying over the hood of a hot car ... and seriously: Where would he keep our utility belts (if, in fact and indeed, we use utility belts) if not for the waist of our jeans? They do all of this and more.

But it was the innovation of kevlar micro-fiber reinforced DiamondCrotch® technology that really had us sold on Kickin' Jeans. 

One day, while Jeff was frequenting a local ice cream truck that made its daily rounds in the neighborhood, he ticked off a little boy. Apparently, Jeff beat him to the punch and purchased the very last Bomb Pop from the vendor. << WHOOMP! >> Jeff got kneed in the 'nads by the little tyke. (Side Note: That kid was serious about his Bomb Pops. He would later grow up to become a minor nemesis in the annals of The Unbelievables, hell bent on revenge because of Jeff. Known as "Pistachio Nut," we'll tell you about him later in "The Case Of The Ice Cream Sunday Snub" ...) It was then Jeff realized we really needed to come up with something to protect the family jewels ... from angry kids and ne'er-do-wells alike. Discussing his unfortunate ice cream incident, I informed the guys I just so happened to know a spiffy haberdasher by the name of Jax Loominary who did wonders with all sorts of clothing - he might just be the right person for the job. Voila! DiamondCrotch® ... !!! 

Jax tested the technology for weeks on end until he was ready for us to give it a whirl. Much to his chagrin, it was Jeff who drew the short straw and got the unenviable task of being on the receiving end of the experiment. But really ... who better to evaluate the product than Jeff himself? Clark couldn't stomach the test. Besides, as noted previously, he had a women's self defense class to teach. So ... with a pair of altered Kickin' Jeans firmly cinched, I surprised Jeff by walking away from him, twirling and giving him a round-house kick to Mr. Happy. The result? As mentioned and as evidence from the picture at right, Jeff's jewels were safe and sound. Jax had done another outstanding service for us in our ever-vigilant efforts to fight injustice world-wide.

As for our distinctive martial arts methods known as Unbelieva-Fu (or more commonly referred to as "U-Fu"), we'll touch on that more as our adventures unfold.  I'm sure Jeff will elaborate on those further. 

P.S. Clark? Brilliant innovator that he is, I'll let you in on a little secret: Unbelieva-BackOffMister (or "U-Bom(b)") was never officially a part of the official "U-Fu" discipline. At the start, it was Clark's attempt at devising a clever way to capitalize on endearing himself to the fair sex. ("Hello, ladies!") Thus "U-Bom(b)" was born. (He's such a rascal, that Clark!) And it's still going strong today thanks to your local Y. Pow!

But, because of that little aside, we're proud of the 18,000+ variations of U-Fu, including Unbelieva-Two ("U-2"), Unbelieva-Time ("U-Can'tTouchThis"), the head-turning Unbelieva-180 ("U-Turn") and several of our special holiday methods and practices, Unbelieva-Yules (encompassing "U-BetterWatchOut," "U-GotOneMoreComin'," "U-WantSomeEggnog?" and the ever-popular "Hey, You! Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town!").

All things we'll note at a later date ...

The Sweet Smell of Kickin' Butt

Yes, what Clark said was all completely accurate, especially all that business with our intern Chuck, or as we called him "Charlie No-Mates". I mean gee whiz, the guy was such a wimp! And then as soon as he leaves our employ, he's all like, "Yeah, I'm a stuntman, I'm a martial arts expert, I'm an action hero, I'm starring in an infomercial for an exercise machine with a half-naked Christie Brinkley", like that's anything to brag about. She's damaged goods, Norris! Been spoiled by Billy Joel, and that traumatic helicopter crash did her mental state no favours either. You ripped off our Kickin' Jeans idea and went ahead and made some lousy movies, whatever. Oh, and you think you're some kind of singer too. The eyes of Texas are upon you, huh? Well, watch your back, buddy, because the eyes of The Unbelievables see everything.

He kinda smelled funny too. Not enough Hai Karate and too much Lily of The Valley, if you ask me.

Which leads me on to another aspect of our style cocktail, fragrance. It's all very well having the paisley shirt and the ascot and the belted cardigan, but if you choose the wrong aftershave you might as well hang up your slacks and stay home watching reruns of Green Acres and let that other guy with the funky kaftan and the handlebar moustache kick some bad guy butt and get all the chicks. 

When it comes to fragrances, all you need to know are these:

Hai Karate, of course. Girls dig it.

Brut 33, 

Old Spice, and

for the slightly more mature butt-kickin' super-agent, Skin Bracer by Mennen works a treat.

Once you have the fashions and the scents down pat and the Unbelieva-Fu sorted, the rest will take care of itself. But never, repeat never, try to learn U-Fu without first taking care of the other stuff. Heck, your manly scent may even improve your UF skills.

Well, that's all I have to say, really. I'm sure Michael can go into more detail about this topic. In the meantime, stay alert, folks. You never know when some evil-smelling super-criminal will cross your path. But rest assured that when they do, The Unbelievables will soon be on the trail.