TVOD

Despite the obvious shoddiness and overall uninspired scripts we've seen, replete with sad, poor imitations of our snappy selves in gutterball roles, there were one or two we found amusing. If only the production companies would have come forward and asked us for help or permission or even a piece of the action for the use of our likenesses, we might have given our blessing. (Doubtful but ... you know ...)

Alternatively we found it necessary to sic our legal representation after them, The Law Offices of Poon, headed by our go-to buddy and confidant Chung S. Poon, advisor extraordinaire.

Our pal, Chung S. Poon

(To date, and because of Mr. Poon's legal wrangling, we've seized the ideas for those few that have potential. Developed properly, they could see the light of day ... but under our watchful eyes only.)

Clark said it Monday: Television had a very specific cycle back in the day. Now? Not so much. But put a couple spiffy ideas out there featuring The Unbelievables - not recycled, reconstituted drivel but thoughtful, interesting, engaging sitcoms or dramas or the like - and television could be brought back to its glory days of old.

Instead? Well ... you've seen some of the examples earlier this week. To wrap up the week, I'm offering a couple more which necessitated cease and desist letters. A few even went so far as to interest a couple prominent production studios which, in turn, ordered pilots. (Don't ask which ones. Let your mind go wild.)

"Frank" ... ??? Who's Frank?

Uhmmm ... no.

The bi-line on this one?

"And how to get around those pesky child labor laws."

Wow.

The original title on this one was

"Look! Up In The Sky! Stargazing with 3 Guys Somewhere in Nevada"

Guess they wanted to go with the more straightforward title ...

This one was supposed to be a one hour after-school special one-shot.

Almost makes you want to give up television all together ... doesn't it?

Still ... that Unbelievababes one Jeff mentioned doesn't sound too shabby ...

TV - The Same Old Same Old

Those lousy TV companies. They just want to make a fast buck off of our good name, uncopyrighted as it may be. We don't get consulted. Not even so much as a Post-It note stuck on the mailman's heel.

Just last week one of our celebrity moles (who shall for security purposes remain nameless but will doubtless be familiar to millions as a lifeguard or the owner of a talking car) alerted us to three new shows currently in the planning stages. Clearly they are based on our lifestyle and status as crimefighters, and at the same time shameless ripoffs of old TV shows that were unfeasibly popular.

Here they are in all their plagiaristic glory:

1)

Three FBI agents (named Noble, Brooks, and the enigmatic Mr. Hickmott) are investigating a series of unexplained occurrences while accompanied by various scantily-clad ladies.(Hello, ladies!!) Also stars Pauly Shore. Hmmm.

2)

Three retired playboy crimefighters named Jesse Cough-Lecher,  Jeff Eco-Fletcher and Jerry Kofeletzer move to a quiet town in New England where they begin to solve murder mysteries in under an hour, accompanied by a bevy of scantily-clad ladies.(Hello, ladies!!!) Also starring Willie Aames.

3)

They'll be there for you.

Three hot women (Hello, ladies!!) who enjoy jumping in fountains share a New York apartment above a coffee shop, in the company of their three butt-kicking crimefighter boyfriends - Jeff, the tall nerdy shlub, Michael, the aspiring actor who loves sandwiches (with his cheeky catchphrase "What's up, ladies!") and Clark, the wisecracking penpusher who, uh, cracks wise. Like, all the time. Also stars Fred Stoller. I actually kinda like the sound of this one.

More on Friday!

TV as a leisure activity? As if.

"What do The Unbelievables like to watch on TV?"

Like to watch? As in, a pastime? Something to do to relax during downtime?
Oh, Kip. Ha ha! You're such a useless moron.
Let me tell you something, Mail Boy. When you're an Unbelievable, there's no such thing as downtime. All your time is up. Up! You hear me, you sweaty, sniveling sausage casing stuffed with not only pork fat but weak and stupid as well? UP! UP! UP!!

TV, like anything else, is a tool we use. In my case, I use it to monitor the human condition, specifically, the people who say horrible things to other people. For over a decade beginning in the last '80s, it was these people:




Running pretty much concurrently was this group of World Champions...



A period of approximately seven years of relatively good behavior passed before this woman and her pinhead pals showed up...

Now, none of these people are engaging in what could be classified as "criminal activity", certainly not to the degree with which The Unbelievables would expect to get involved. So what's the point of monitoring this activity? I guess I just like it.
Oh, shut up, Kip.

Like We Have Time For TV

A TV legend and one of our favourites recently passed away. Patrick Macnee, famous in the '60s and '70s as John Steed, leader of The Avengers and The New Avengers, died aged 93. He will be sorely missed, not only for his sartorial elegance, his wit, charm and general savoir faire with the opposite sex, but for his incredible array of weaponry and impressive bad-guy-butt-kicking skills.

This leads us to a question that was posed by one of our readers the other day (well, truthfully, it was Kip the Mail Boy) which was: What do The Unbelievables like to watch on TV?

So therefore I shall post my TV choices and the others can post theirs later.

Well, sadly, we don't get an awful lot of time to watch the old gogglebox, but when we do, I tend to go for something funny, y'know, to lighten the mood. Being a crimefighter is not without its stresses and strains, so a little levity can ease the burden a tad. I like stuff like

The IT Crowd,


Father Ted, 


8 Out Of 10 Cats, 



Modern Life Is Goodish  



and Live At the Apollo.




I do like crime drama (natch), my recent fave being DCI Banks.




However, in my estimation, for real enjoyable and relaxing TV, one cannot beat a cracking episode of Tree Fu Tom. 

First you have Tom, a young lad who is able to magically shrink down and enter the forest world of Treetopolis, ruled by the kindly Oprah-like earth mother figure Treetog. Tom's best friend is Twigs, an acorn sprite, voiced by the great David Tennant (yes - Doctor Who number 10), aided and abetted by the sassy rancher-butterfly Ariella, the perpetually scared woodlouse Squirmtum (whose knowledge of caverns is unsurpassed) and the slightly unhinged wacky frog inventor Zigzoo. There's also a kindly old spider named Rickety and villainy in the form of the Mushers, Stink and Puffy. 

Sounds like a kids' show, ya say? Well, it is - or at least, that's what they want you to think. But Tom regularly interrupts the action to lead us through some physical movement exercises, cunningly disguised as magic spells, which are actually variants of Unbelieva-Fu that we taught Tom himself at one of our Unbelievinars™. What a great time we had. Especially when we all went out for burgers and shakes afterwards at Mel's diner in Pigeon Forge, TN. So watching an episode of Tree Fu Tom is like a warm, fuzzy trip back in time for me. Not only that, but Tennant's (Twigs's) throwaway one -liners and casual asides are straight up hilarious. To quote Bruno Mars, "don't believe me? Just watch."