Clark's Unbelievable Pet Peeve

So, you're not happy to see me?

Once again, Michael has offered up some very solid advice. If you close the lid, you're putting the seat down. Gentlemen, the whole toilet seat thing is very important to the ladies and if you heed my colleague's advice, you could reap dividends, if you catch my drift (I'm talking about sex stuff).

While I share Michael's peevishness, that isn't my pet. Mine is counting. Man, I hate it when they count! Not the math function in general. I recognize that serves a purpose. No, I'm talking about when crooks count my bullets while I'm shooting at them. Remember Clint Eastwood's classic monologue from 1971's "Dirty Harry"...

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Of course you remember it. Everyone does, including criminals. As a result, this kind of thing happens...

"All right, it's over. Give yourself up already."
"I don't think so. You see, I believe you've already fired all six shots."
"No, I didn't. I only fired five. I have one left."
"I don't see how you could possibly know that, what with all this excitement."
"You honestly think I'm not going to remember how many shots I've fired? That's absurd."
"Prove it then. Shoot me."
"What? No, I'm not going to shoot you."
"Why not? Go ahead and do it."
"No. Because I don't want to, that's why."
"Hmmm, maybe because, oh, I don't know, you're all out of bullets?"
"Are you seriously questioning my ability to count to six?"
"Maybe..."
"I am not out of bullets!"
"Just open it up and look in there. I'll bet you a million dollars it's empty."
"Oh right. A million dollars? Like you have a million dollars. Sure, I'll make that bet, Mr. Million Dollars, who robs liquor stores. Why don't we make it a billion dollars?"
"It's this simple; if you don't shoot me, I'm just going to take off running."
"You'd better not!"
"Look, you shot at me at the bank, that's one. Then when I ran to the end of the block, you shot again. Right? Then twice when I stole the school bus..."
"I only shot once at the school bus!"
"No, remember? The first shot shattered the back window and then you comandeered that motorcycle and fired a second one which ricocheted off the front fender and broke the rear view mirror."
"Shit. That's right."
"Then your fifth shot hit me in the shoulder, which caused me to crash into the gate at the amusement park and then you shot at me one more time when we climbed to the top of this Ferris Wheel. That's six!"
"This is so stupid..."
"Ha ha ha ha! I win! (turns and starts running, gets shot, falls off Ferris Wheel, crashes through glass ceiling, lands on red hot barbecue grill, bounces off into deep fryer which explodes)"
"...I mean, geez, I have another gun."

You can see how that kind of thing, happening more than a couple times, would get annoying.

Corrections & Apologies Dept.

It was recently reported on these pages that among the many weapons we have reviewed and decided against using, the 'Lobster Rage Fist' was rejected on the grounds of crustacean cruelty (see below).

However, following an emergency late-night meeting, The Unbelievables have decided to reinstate this method of defense, citing the fact that the instructional guide (see above) says neither that the lobster involved has to be (a) alive; or (b) a real lobster. The fake plastic ones are dangerously sharp on their own.

This decision has nothing whatsoever to do with whining or complaining on any member's part, although it should be noted that there was rather a lot of that.

Thank you for your time and attention.

P.S. And a big thank you goes out to the Panhandle Lobster Protection Coalition of Tahlequah, Oklahoma - you can stop emailing us now.

P.P.S. And to the Scranton, PA chapter of Duct Tape Users Anonymous - same goes for you.

File Under: Do Not Use

There are literally thousands of different weapons out there and dozens of different fighting styles, and we here at Unbelievables HQ pride ourselves on being able to learn the most efficient ways of utilising these weapons and skills in double-quick time. We are all fast learners and can turn our hands to new disciplines in the wink of an eye.

Being skilled with weaponry as well as having to kick bad guys' butts on a weekly basis not only keeps us in tip-top shape, but it also means that we have seen some interesting, if not wacky, guns, swords, knives and the like in our time. Some are extremely useful - others, sadly, merely look good. And there are those that are neither. Since we don't use any of the following any more, we are allowed to show them to you. Brace yourselves.

 This outsized sword is really only useful if you are a wizard or an ogre. It looks amazing, but it's so blunt you can't really do anything with it except use it as an interesting serving platter for canapes. Move over Jamie Oliver!

This one was meant to be used for when you find yourself in a tough spot and are surrounded on all sides. Trouble is, there is no way to know which barrel your last shot will come out of. The spike is the most useful bit. Looks intimidating though.

The Crazy Gun is really only for those rare occasions when showering your opponent in Silly String is preferable to giving him a good duffing-up. Better save this one for Halloween.

A menacing weapon, but rejected because the shot tended to deflect off the tip of the blade, causing a shower of sparks and not hitting the intended target. High-class junk.

The Nerf Gator Gun. Speechless.

The multi-rubberband gun looks insane, but is only good for prancing around in a frock coat on a hillside.

A stupid knife based on a cricket bat. Better off to use an actual cricket bat.

Cpl. Baker with an invention of his own, the chainmachinegunsaw. We rejected this one, unsurprisingly, on the grounds that we could hurt ourselves by simply starting it up.

Not really sure what this is. Next!

At first glance we quite liked the sword/cane, but dropped it for two reasons: First, old people kept picking it up and taking it home by mistake, and secondly, because taking one of these suckers through TSA checkpoints is nigh impossible without certain uncomfortable questions being raised.

Effective, but cruel to crustaceans.

The ring-gun. Difficult to operate without blowing your finger off.

The blunder-axe. Looks great, but the recoil can be deadly.

I don't think that's strictly legal for huntin' deer, Bubba.

Ummm... not sure where this pic came from. Guys? any ideas?

This is one weapon we kept, but only for use at parties. You can use it for bagels, donuts, mini-pizzas and pineapple rings.

Weapons of choice

While we do not consider ourselves violent men and certainly don't condone violence as the first and foremost means of resolving a conflict, the fact of the matter is the best way to finish a fight is to win it. It would be nice to say that The Unbelievables are able to handle things the way we do simply because we are the men that we are. That's almost entirely true but in some cases, were we to enter a fight totally unarmed, there exists a slight mathematical possibility that we could lose. We're not men who leave things to chance. As a result, we devote a great deal of ongoing training to mastering weapons systems.

All weapons can be sorted into one of the following four categories:

1. Shooting - Pistol, rifle, bow and arrow, etc.
2. Cutting/stabbing - Knife, ax, sword, bayonets affixed to an empty rifle, arrow that has fallen on the ground, etc.
3. Hitting - Club, empty pistol, empty rifle, beer bottle, whiskey bottle, vodka bottle, rum bottle, cognac bottle, bartender's artificial leg (we used to get in a lot of fights at bars), etc.
4. Exploding - Bomb, grenade, artillery, rifle with dynamite stuffed down the barrel, etc.

Each of us are masters in all four categories, but we still have our own personal favorites. Mine is the sword. Don't get me wrong, guns are a lot of fun and when you need to blast a bad guy backwards through a plate glass window, well, there really is no substitute.

However, I much prefer swords to guns. Guns are loud and clumsy. Swords are more elegant and graceful. The "BANG-BANG-BANG" of a gun fight is like the self-indulgent drum solo during a heavy metal performance. By comparison, the "Schiiiiiiiiiiiing" when you pull the sword from your scabbard to the "tink-tink-ka-tink" of blade-against-blade during a duel to the eventual "YAAAARRRGH!!" of your opponent screaming while spitting up blood after you've stabbed him in the stomach makes a sword fight more like a beautiful symphony. Granted, a beautiful symphony that ends with someone drowning in their own blood, but that's always going to happen. Nothing you can do about that. Simply put, a sword is the gentleman's weapon; guns are for brutish goons.

But that's just me. To each their own. Like I said, the three of us are weapon masters in all classifications, but we still have our own personal preferences.


"Michael's right, these hats are ridiculous. I can't see a bloody thing."
"Thank you, Jeff. What do they have to do with swords anyway?"
"Oh, shut up, both of you. These hats are bad ass."

I'll let Jeff and Michael fill you in on their favorites and the reasons behind them. Meanwhile, I'm off for a fencing lesson with 2012 Olympic gold medal winner Elisa Di Francisca (she's showing tremendous promise!)