Just Another Rock-n-Roll Bodyguard Story

As Clark made you all aware on Monday, there have been many times when we have undertaken bodyguard-type work. Michael refers to these times as "a little extra sum-sum'pn" but I prefer to think of them as "slow crime weeks". See, when there's not enough bad guys out there to vanquish, things can get a little thin over at the Unbelieva-base.

At least there's beer.

Now, because we were so well-known around Vegas and Tinseltown, not to mention the Great White Way, Tin Pan Alley and La-La-Land (and Disney World), we had been asked many times if we offered personal protective services, by which we mean this...

Not this.

So, in order to keep the wolf from the door, we decided to take on a few clients and keep the fridge fully stocked.

Just can't get good help these days.

One of our first clients was the actor Karl Malden, who felt the need to hire bodyguards when he embarked upon a recording career and felt certain he would be mobbed wherever he went.

Sadly for Mr. Malden, this was not only his only recording, but the only copy ever sold. Well, that's not specifically true - he actually gave us this copy, then 'borrowed' five bucks from Michael one day and 'forgot' to return it.

We also met a musical group of young'uns who were big fans of ours. Such big fans, in fact, that they did a pastiche of one of the more famous pictures of us, from one of our early cases where we employed the services of Schlomo McCaskill, the world's only Scottish-Jewish-American FBI agent. Here's the original...

And their version...

They called themselves Jiminy Christmas and The Fires of Molech, but we thought that was a bit wordy and just called them dorks. However, we offered them our services, and it worked out for a while. Because we needed to protect our identities, we went in disguise as another band, which helped us to blend in seamlessly.

Here we are as "The Spontaneous Cheese Polka Experience". Now that's a band name.

It all went belly-up with Jiminy after a while, when they failed to secure a record deal and went their separate ways. We only had one more musical client after that, and it was this character.

As you can see, his name is not worth remembering, but he thought he was something when Dick Dale, after one too many adult beverages, agreed to let him play at his club. Big mistake. This dude literally never wore clothes anywhere if he could avoid doing so. We got really fed up with escorting a nudist about. So when he took the stage, believe me, he needed protecting. However, by this point we'd had enough of his naked shenanigans and had left the building.

I'm sure he's OK and made it out alive.

Michael will let you know about some of our other bodyguard assignments on Friday. Till then... ciao!

Flight of the Conchords - What does that even mean?

Yes, Jeff is correct; Bret and Jermaine are field operatives. But it doesn't matter how much critical acclaim and popularity your satirical folk music combo receives, when it comes to The Unbelievables, you've got to earn your way into the ranks by starting at the very bottom. And that means that once upon a time, they were interns.



Picking up snacks for that case that required us to stake out Medieval Times.
Good work, boys.

 While serving in that capacity, Bret and Jermaine apparently became enamored with some of the code language we have to use during missions. Let us not forget, we're involved in some very serious business here. It's a world of ever-present threat to life and limb in the form of guns, knives, swords, bombs and martial arts, where your first mistake will in all likelihood be your last. With that in mind, we developed a code language so we can communicate in the heat of battle without giving away tactical info to our enemies. I can't stress this enough; if we're not absolutely perfect, people die! This is serious stuff!

This is a fairly common occurrence in our world.

Anyway, without giving away too much, "flight" is the code word for "quickly obtain" and "conchord" is the code word for "high-quality champagne". So "Flight of the Conchords" would basically be "hurry up and go get us some champagne, the good stuff; not that carbonated toilet wine you chuckleheads brought back last time". I guess Bret and Jermaine must have heard that phrase once or twice (or twenty-seven times) and took a fancy to it. We're honored but let's hope this doesn't become a trend. We simply can't have the real meaning of "Hoobastank" getting out.

Unbelieva-Peeves

Strangely enough, I have only one pet Unbelieva-peeve. Actually, it's a whole host of them, but they all come under one heading - I hate the stupidly unrealistic things that occur in detective/cop/superhero movies and TV shows. It makes us look kinda stupid, right? However, by the same token, it does give us Unbelievables an advantage over criminals because it can make them feel somewhat complacent and therefore a little lax. It lulls them into a false sense of security. 

"Hey boss, shouldn't we have locked that door behind us?"
"Relax, youse guys. Dey'll NEVER think of looking in here!"

See what I mean? So I shall list here a few good examples of the kind of thing that really tweaks my melon.

Hint: Not actual cops.

• In Law & Order, homicide detectives investigating murders always 
• talk to people who are too busy to stop what they are doing and talk to 
• them. The people aren't necessarily being shifty (although it certainly sometimes seems that way), they just don't 
• consider the gumshoes important enough to stop work for a minute. 
• They just keep on loading trucks or trying to get to class or telling 
• other people what to do or fixing whatever they are fixing, 
• all the while talking off-handedly to 
• the detectives as if someone is just nodding to them as they pass by. I mean h
• ow often do average people get questioned by homicide detectives that 
• they can't be bothered to stop what they are 
• doing to answer questions?
• In disaster situations, land vehicles and airplanes continue to function at full speed, despite volcanic eruptions and the world in general exploding and crumbling all around them. Does anybody remember Mt. St. Helens?
• Computer programs showing characters in 1" in size, and programs that do image searches flashing every image they find until the computer comes to the one it's looking for. And software so sophisticated it can take a blurry photograph, magnify it 10 times in the lab, and then clearly see the numbers on a license plate that was 100 feet away in the photo.
• Car keys kept in the visor of a conveniently-placed get-away car. Who does that?
• Bullets that never ever ever ever EVER seem to find the good guy. Seriously, if bad guys were such crappy shots, there'd be no such thing as gun crime.
• Guns with perpetual bullets. Guy has a six shot revolver, fires 32 shots with out re-loading and then moves on to the next shootout with nary a pause.
• Scenes in a moving car where the driver turns to the passenger, makes full eye contact and carries on a three minute conversation with them without even once looking at the road. Apparently Hollywood cars come equipped with magic auto pilot.
• Some character finds themselves on foot on a road with a car following them. The car speeds up with the obvious intent of running over the pedestrian. The pedestrian inevitably tries to outrun the car, fails, and is hit by the car. I don't think I've ever seen a case where the pedestrian gets off the road where the car can't follow him.
• Even during widespread natural disasters, cell phones and land phones still work and people get through right away to say goodbye or pass along vital information.
• The sound effect of chambering a round when someone points a 
• gun. 
• People in a standoff lowering their weapons,and the chambering sound effect being used AGAIN if they raise the guns again!
• Screeching car tires on dirt road.
• Modern cars equipped with Anti-Lock Brakes, whose tires still screech.
• Perfectly neat-as-a-pin and perfectly-decorated houses/apartments. I'm sorry - the hot maverick misunderstood bachelor FBI agent with perfect cheekbones, great car, and upwardly-mobile career, (who mysteriously remains single) DOES NOT live in a perfectly-clean, tidy and professionally-decorated condo. His real condo looks like a frat house on Sunday morning and smells of pee. Let's just keep it real here.
• Actors walking around with take-out coffee cups that are so clearly empty they scream "I’m a prop! I’m a prop! What you’re watching is a TV show, not reality!" I mean, we all know what a cup filled with a hot liquid looks like. It has a certain weight and heft, and anyone who handles it does so gingerly, for obvious reasons. Yet on the big and small screens, characters continue to sip from receptacles whose absurdly obvious emptiness shatters our belief in the fictional world we’re beholding and forces us back to stale reality. It’s the proverbial "exit sign" in a movie theater: You’re enjoying a juicy moment of drama or whatnot, then happen to glance at the bright red letters near the door and remember you’re in a room with a bunch of strangers, staring at a piece of celluloid.
• Detectives who can travel from Sacramento to other cities in California and back in ridiculous amounts of time. Leave Sacramento by car around 10:00 am, go to San Francisco, find a guy and interview him, then get back to Sacramento in time for lunch. 
• San Francisco is about 90 miles away and not an easy city to move around in. Add to that that you have to find the guy. Then there's the interview. Then the trip back. You'd be lucky to get back by 4:00 pm, and that's if you managed to avoid the horrendous afternoon traffic.
• The pile of empty cardboard boxes on the street corner. What are they doing there? I mean, why bother doing detective work if all you really need to do is park a squad car near a pile of boxes and wait?
• And lastly, the obligatory car chase. Like any city center is so devoid of other cars that two vehicles can zoom around willy-nilly at 60mph?

So now you know the sort of thing I mean, you'll probably be watching out for it the next time you turn on NCIS or The Mentalist. But don't spread it around - the bad guys might find out. And our job sure doesn't get any easier.

Clark's Unbelievable Pet Peeve

So, you're not happy to see me?

Once again, Michael has offered up some very solid advice. If you close the lid, you're putting the seat down. Gentlemen, the whole toilet seat thing is very important to the ladies and if you heed my colleague's advice, you could reap dividends, if you catch my drift (I'm talking about sex stuff).

While I share Michael's peevishness, that isn't my pet. Mine is counting. Man, I hate it when they count! Not the math function in general. I recognize that serves a purpose. No, I'm talking about when crooks count my bullets while I'm shooting at them. Remember Clint Eastwood's classic monologue from 1971's "Dirty Harry"...

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Of course you remember it. Everyone does, including criminals. As a result, this kind of thing happens...

"All right, it's over. Give yourself up already."
"I don't think so. You see, I believe you've already fired all six shots."
"No, I didn't. I only fired five. I have one left."
"I don't see how you could possibly know that, what with all this excitement."
"You honestly think I'm not going to remember how many shots I've fired? That's absurd."
"Prove it then. Shoot me."
"What? No, I'm not going to shoot you."
"Why not? Go ahead and do it."
"No. Because I don't want to, that's why."
"Hmmm, maybe because, oh, I don't know, you're all out of bullets?"
"Are you seriously questioning my ability to count to six?"
"Maybe..."
"I am not out of bullets!"
"Just open it up and look in there. I'll bet you a million dollars it's empty."
"Oh right. A million dollars? Like you have a million dollars. Sure, I'll make that bet, Mr. Million Dollars, who robs liquor stores. Why don't we make it a billion dollars?"
"It's this simple; if you don't shoot me, I'm just going to take off running."
"You'd better not!"
"Look, you shot at me at the bank, that's one. Then when I ran to the end of the block, you shot again. Right? Then twice when I stole the school bus..."
"I only shot once at the school bus!"
"No, remember? The first shot shattered the back window and then you comandeered that motorcycle and fired a second one which ricocheted off the front fender and broke the rear view mirror."
"Shit. That's right."
"Then your fifth shot hit me in the shoulder, which caused me to crash into the gate at the amusement park and then you shot at me one more time when we climbed to the top of this Ferris Wheel. That's six!"
"This is so stupid..."
"Ha ha ha ha! I win! (turns and starts running, gets shot, falls off Ferris Wheel, crashes through glass ceiling, lands on red hot barbecue grill, bounces off into deep fryer which explodes)"
"...I mean, geez, I have another gun."

You can see how that kind of thing, happening more than a couple times, would get annoying.

File Under: Do Not Use

There are literally thousands of different weapons out there and dozens of different fighting styles, and we here at Unbelievables HQ pride ourselves on being able to learn the most efficient ways of utilising these weapons and skills in double-quick time. We are all fast learners and can turn our hands to new disciplines in the wink of an eye.

Being skilled with weaponry as well as having to kick bad guys' butts on a weekly basis not only keeps us in tip-top shape, but it also means that we have seen some interesting, if not wacky, guns, swords, knives and the like in our time. Some are extremely useful - others, sadly, merely look good. And there are those that are neither. Since we don't use any of the following any more, we are allowed to show them to you. Brace yourselves.

 This outsized sword is really only useful if you are a wizard or an ogre. It looks amazing, but it's so blunt you can't really do anything with it except use it as an interesting serving platter for canapes. Move over Jamie Oliver!

This one was meant to be used for when you find yourself in a tough spot and are surrounded on all sides. Trouble is, there is no way to know which barrel your last shot will come out of. The spike is the most useful bit. Looks intimidating though.

The Crazy Gun is really only for those rare occasions when showering your opponent in Silly String is preferable to giving him a good duffing-up. Better save this one for Halloween.

A menacing weapon, but rejected because the shot tended to deflect off the tip of the blade, causing a shower of sparks and not hitting the intended target. High-class junk.

The Nerf Gator Gun. Speechless.

The multi-rubberband gun looks insane, but is only good for prancing around in a frock coat on a hillside.

A stupid knife based on a cricket bat. Better off to use an actual cricket bat.

Cpl. Baker with an invention of his own, the chainmachinegunsaw. We rejected this one, unsurprisingly, on the grounds that we could hurt ourselves by simply starting it up.

Not really sure what this is. Next!

At first glance we quite liked the sword/cane, but dropped it for two reasons: First, old people kept picking it up and taking it home by mistake, and secondly, because taking one of these suckers through TSA checkpoints is nigh impossible without certain uncomfortable questions being raised.

Effective, but cruel to crustaceans.

The ring-gun. Difficult to operate without blowing your finger off.

The blunder-axe. Looks great, but the recoil can be deadly.

I don't think that's strictly legal for huntin' deer, Bubba.

Ummm... not sure where this pic came from. Guys? any ideas?

This is one weapon we kept, but only for use at parties. You can use it for bagels, donuts, mini-pizzas and pineapple rings.

Weapons of choice

While we do not consider ourselves violent men and certainly don't condone violence as the first and foremost means of resolving a conflict, the fact of the matter is the best way to finish a fight is to win it. It would be nice to say that The Unbelievables are able to handle things the way we do simply because we are the men that we are. That's almost entirely true but in some cases, were we to enter a fight totally unarmed, there exists a slight mathematical possibility that we could lose. We're not men who leave things to chance. As a result, we devote a great deal of ongoing training to mastering weapons systems.

All weapons can be sorted into one of the following four categories:

1. Shooting - Pistol, rifle, bow and arrow, etc.
2. Cutting/stabbing - Knife, ax, sword, bayonets affixed to an empty rifle, arrow that has fallen on the ground, etc.
3. Hitting - Club, empty pistol, empty rifle, beer bottle, whiskey bottle, vodka bottle, rum bottle, cognac bottle, bartender's artificial leg (we used to get in a lot of fights at bars), etc.
4. Exploding - Bomb, grenade, artillery, rifle with dynamite stuffed down the barrel, etc.

Each of us are masters in all four categories, but we still have our own personal favorites. Mine is the sword. Don't get me wrong, guns are a lot of fun and when you need to blast a bad guy backwards through a plate glass window, well, there really is no substitute.

However, I much prefer swords to guns. Guns are loud and clumsy. Swords are more elegant and graceful. The "BANG-BANG-BANG" of a gun fight is like the self-indulgent drum solo during a heavy metal performance. By comparison, the "Schiiiiiiiiiiiing" when you pull the sword from your scabbard to the "tink-tink-ka-tink" of blade-against-blade during a duel to the eventual "YAAAARRRGH!!" of your opponent screaming while spitting up blood after you've stabbed him in the stomach makes a sword fight more like a beautiful symphony. Granted, a beautiful symphony that ends with someone drowning in their own blood, but that's always going to happen. Nothing you can do about that. Simply put, a sword is the gentleman's weapon; guns are for brutish goons.

But that's just me. To each their own. Like I said, the three of us are weapon masters in all classifications, but we still have our own personal preferences.


"Michael's right, these hats are ridiculous. I can't see a bloody thing."
"Thank you, Jeff. What do they have to do with swords anyway?"
"Oh, shut up, both of you. These hats are bad ass."

I'll let Jeff and Michael fill you in on their favorites and the reasons behind them. Meanwhile, I'm off for a fencing lesson with 2012 Olympic gold medal winner Elisa Di Francisca (she's showing tremendous promise!)